For ten months I have been involved with a guy for whom I've magically sustained very strong feelings for despite all the bull. The relationship got rocky after about 6 weeks (which were great), when he had a drastic change in attitude towards me. From there I saw him less, dealt with rude and careless treatment, avoidance and overall annoyance with me. I don't know if he was sleeping with other people. The "dark period" lasted about six months, and during that time I would only see him about 3 times a month at best, and for one entire month- not at all. He would arbitrarily communicate with me for a week straight and other times- the longest- not for three weeks. I unsuccessfully tried to end the relationship numerous times. Then around December, his demeanor changed, he recognized his behavior and apologized for it a number of times. Since then, we talk all the time and i always know i'll hear from him at some point. We haven't argued, since all we ever argued about was his behavior- and seem to be headed to overall greener pastures. We still only see each other about 6 times a month, if i'm lucky. All through this time we still continue to have really superb sex. The thing is, I think he's got to be somewhat indifferent about having me in his life; all because he refuses to see me more often. It's not like he's too busy. And it's always in the back of my mind that he's going to drop out from under me again, even though know he's not going anywhere anytime soon. I don't know if at this point the relationship is still toxic for me and i'm living on eggshells, or if i need to just give it room to grow at the glacial pace it seems to be going because we have to recover from hurt and mistrust that's happened between us?

pasiria

Reading your post was like looking at myself just about two years ago. I went through a relationship like yours. You will only destroy your self worth. You will feel worst until you hit rock bottom and realize that you should love yourself more. It took me longer to wake up, I really loved this man or I might have been obsessed with him because he was a doctor. Do not waste your time with him. A relationship should be 50/50. I am now in a wonderful relationship that grows each day with marriage ahead. Can you imagine if I would have stayed in that dark hole, I would have never met this new love.

wizzlet

for anyone is still reading this thread, here's the update: i prepared him for a talk, we had it and i got way more upset while we were talking than i expected. the conversation was all mixed messages "if you want to spend more time together we will, if you think i'm using you i'm not, i like you, i care, i'm not indifferent and i'm glad you're telling me all of this" followed by "i'm going to have to think about this, i don't want to be in a serious relationship (which isn't at ALL what i was asking for), and i have nothing to offer at this point in my life". Confusing? YES.

Two days passed, and suddenly i hit a wall on monday night (a real one this time) and needed to get out. I basically made him think i found out about other people he's slept with, figuring i'd kill two birds with one stone. One to get rid of him on the basis that i am 'humiliated' and two, besides calling me a few times in the middle of the night that night, i haven't heard a peep from him claiming his innocence otherwise. It's been 3 days, and even though what i did could be construed as manipulative- it was means to an end and i am not trying to get anything out of this anymore.

pasiria

"One to get rid of him on the basis that i am 'humiliated'", If you had stayed you would have continued to feel like this.

kp2171

well... sounds like you resolved it yourself.

is it wrong to manupulate a manipulator? eh.... more yes than no... just cause im a jealous, vindictive irish punk.

at this point its time to think about how things went down and what youd do differently next time.

im all for the man not being a girlfriend. i think each partner needs some space to call their own. my wife has friends i know and like, but i dont hang with... and vice versa. i need my cave time" and "guy time" now and then... and most people want a partner who has enough connections to them to find common ground, but enough differences to be interesting.

so... lesson learned... dont sleep with a guy you are scared to talk to... i know its not that simple... but its also only complicated if we let it be... and you let it be.

lets get back to the OP... you "magically sustained feelings for despite the bull"... clarify this.

and understand, as a person whose had his head up his arse too many times to count... im not judging you...

i want to know what this guy had over you. what was special? was it sexual tension? looks? emotional connection? was it something that was missing in other relationships prior to him?

id like to talk this out, cause i think you need to understand why you put up with him... was it simply the sex was good enough to hold on?

again, not judging, says speaks-with-head-up-arse boy.

jolienoire

You may have handled the situation differently than most, but you are out of that now, and to be honest dont wait the time will never be just right sometimes, we go into survival mode and just use our last resort to get us out of a tough situation that is detrimental to our well being Never let a problem to be solved become more important than the person to be loved. You did what you had to.... just try to stick to your decision.

wizzlet

lets get back to the OP... you "magically sustained feelings for despite the bull"... clarify this.
and understand, as a person whose had his head up his arse too many times to count... im not judging you...
i want to know what this guy had over you. what was special? was it sexual tension? looks? emotional connection? was it something that was missing in other relationships prior to him?
id like to talk this out, cause i think you need to understand why you put up with him... was it simply the sex was good enough to hold on?

***
thanks for the response. i could write a thousand pages on why i put up with it, but to sum it up, i haven't had many relationships. the ones i've had have been not much different than this one, as in; we'll sleep together but the question of it going anywhere is... well, out of the question. so i internalized all of it and never asked. with this guy in particular- we'd hooked up a few time some years ago and then found ourselves in the same social circle and went at it again. although it was pretty laid back it still seemed to be going, somewhere- anywhere! i never really find myself smitten with anyone, and he just zapped me. no ego inflating intended, but i've got no problem attracting people and have plenty of suitors i just never really find the 'click'- he was familiar territory, insanely good-looking, similar interests, and was as into me as i was him.

i've basically spent the past 8 months trying to get back to those first two when we were wildly pursuing each other. when i take a step back and look at the situation, i know it'll take nuclear war for me not to be attracted to him, but i have to replace the feelings of attraction with my feelings of dissatisfaction and distaste for the way he treats me (i do let myself reminisce a little bit though). That seems to be working for now, an as far as attempting to contact him i do this: figure he's going to decline and opt to arbitrarily see me when he feels so inclined as per usual or think about all the sadness i have in the days after i sleep with him.

sorry for the long winded answer, but if you're an expert you'd probably want to hear more than less!

susangpyp

I'd suggest reading Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood. One of the hallmarks of bad/addictive relationships is good sex. But love making should happen in every room and under every circumstance. You can't just sever the sex off from the rest of the relationship and think that it represents anything. It doesn't. Sometimes it's just an outlet for the tension and that is why it's so "dramatic." Get some counseling, read the book and take care of you.

N0help4u

He only wants to see you at his convenience so NO the relationship will not go anywhere.
You are letting him take advantage of you by not expecting or insisting on compromise.