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Can my marriage survive domestic violence?
Asked Feb 26, 2009, 04:14 PM
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279 Answers Moved to new thread I've been with him for 7 1/2 years and just recently it's escalated to physical violence to me. He's never laid a hand on me before. I was tired of constantly arguing with him over every little thing. He always had to have things ultimately his way. He didn't speak to me in a very respectful manner...just wasn't nice. One final incident put me over the edge. I was already seeking personal counseling to try to figure out how to communicate to him how unhappy I was and to find out if he was truly abusive or if I was just exagerating things, you know? The incident was still in my mind where he embarrassed me in front of friends at lunch telling me to "knock it off", yelling at me more like it, when I jumped into a conversation and talked over him. Mind you I did that quite often and tried to remember not to and just did this time. We had already been arguing that morning on whether I was going to the lunch or not (I was sick and really wanted to stay home but he wanted me to go). When he yelled one couple looked shocked... I put my menu up and silently cried. My heart and feelings hurt once again. I just couldn't let it go. I went home after the counseling appointment and asked him to leave. He did the next day because I just told him I needed space to figure things out which I did. A month went by and he was trying to contact me and showing up at the house at least once a week. Then one night he came back and threatened to kill himself. I tried to stop him (calling 911) and he choked me. He moved back. It's gotten better then worse. Another night after being turned down "intimately" yet again he choked me worse pretty much close to death. He's still at the house and we are going to couples counciling and swears he sees the errors of his ways (treating me badly in the past) but still downplays the physical abuse. Is there any real hope for our relationship? Counselors have told me that it's not but I just don't want to believe them...you know. I wish I could just erase everything bad that's happened from my brain and just start over on a clean slate  Any thoughts? |
279 Answers
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| It's not a healthy relationship. He really needs to see that what he is doing is wrong and it's unacceptable and he has to stop... You should tell him that it needs to stop or else the relationship is over, and then you have to follow through with that. If you don't, it will continue to get worse and you may not be so lucky next time. Good luck with everything <3 | ||||
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Did you read the thread before you responded? | ||||
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| Hi everyone....I haven't forgotten to keep you updated but there isn't much that's changed in my life right now. I couldn't see the one counselor I was seeing because it was through work and I only had 6 sessions with her. So, I made an appointment with the guy I was seeing before that. He said that he didn't think he could really help me that much and what I needed to do was attend group sessions for ADV. He didn't refuse to see me any more but didn't know how he could help. He could talk until he's blue in the face but if I don't take his advise...well... It's been two weeks and I haven't went to a group but I still plan to. I moved this weekend and geesh....I hate moving. And yes...he moved with me I couldn't have done it on my own and I wasn't ready. We've actually been getting along pretty good but I think it's because we have had a focus...the move. I know there are still problems and they are all mine I'm not blaming myself, but they are my issues and well justified ones! I still don't feel any desire for intimacy with my husband and don't think it will ever be there. I'm back to feeling very confused. Now he tells me that if they put a restraining order on him, then he will still live at the new place because they really won't know he's there. I expressed that I felt I would be at risk for getting into trouble but....he says he doesn't know how saying he'd be the one in trouble... His first court appearance is coming up next week and then we'll find out about the restraining order and also how things are going to go... I've been off work (both jobs) so I'm trying to get back into things right now...aargh... So I'm ignoring all the major stuff and worrying about the little stuff. Not a good way to be but it's self preservation mode and that's what helps me I guess.. Well, that's my crappy update and I'm sorry to disappoint with no action but one step at a time....although I feel myself starting to cave and slip... | ||||
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| Your counselor is right. He can't help you if you're just going through the motions. You are in so much denial that you just can't see what is happening, and what WILL HAPPEN if you stay with him! It's ONLY a matter of time, and you WON'T even see it coming! Trust me, YOU WON'T! Do you have a death wish? He is 100% WRONG about the restraining order! It works BOTH ways! You can go to jail for violating the restraining order, just the same as him! Is he worth going to jail for? You are in so much danger continuing to stay with him, and for what? For a man that beats you, lies to you, is likely going to jail, and will take that out on you! You aren't going to be feeling so well when you are either sitting in a jail cell, a hospital bed, or maybe a morgue! If you think that is far fetched?...it's NOT! You are also isolating yourself from the world. You're not even working anymore, which means that you have to reley on him for money right? That is what he wants! You are playing right into his hands, and he KNOWS IT! PROTECT YOURSELF, OR YOU MAY NOT LIVE TO REGRET IT! | ||||
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My partner abused me a little when we first started going out when he was really angry. He shoved me and threw things in my direction. It happened probably 3 times and I told him how much it scared me and said that if it ever happened again I would leave him. 3 years on and he has never laid a hand on me since. | ||||
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| You are stuck and only you can change that. You just don't want to push yourself to take the last step. No one can help you with it, it has to come from you. Stop listening to him....of course he is going to say what he thinks will allow him to stay and keep you in the relationship....after all, it has worked so far hasn't it? End it....kick him out....move out yourself....see yourself with a new life that is free from fear, heartache, and pain. There is no more advice anyone can give you that you haven't already heard....you are simply choosing not to go through with it. Perhaps it will take one or two more hits, chokings, or threats of harm before it sinks in enough....how many will you need before you decide you are worth so much more and deserve better? Women die every single day at the hands of a "loved" one. I just hope it won't be too late for you....that you will be one of the lucky ones that gets away. I wish you well....I truly do. | ||||
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