Can my marriage survive domestic violence?

Agreed - shocking advice. There was a terrible case which set precedent in NY some years ago. Woman wanted a divorce due to husband's temper and rage. Went to a counseller. She retained an Attorney. Attorney sent letter to husband because counsellor advised her not to just walk out. He got letter, she came home from work, he killed her. Left 5 children without a mother. He got life. Children also no longer had father. Horrible, horrible case. I don't know how the suit against the counsellor was settled.

I take the position if a woman says he's violent and she's afraid ... Believe her.

Get out now, however, whenever, do what it takes.

Okay, you need to listen to me, and you need to listen very carefully alright?

DO NOT protect him from going to jail! DO NOT lie for him! He NEEDS to go to jail, and you NEED to not contact him any further! You are doing him or yourself NO FAVOURS by not putting him where he belongs.

Do you know what is going to happen? He IS going to do this to you again. His words are just noise. Do you remember the story about the boy who called wolf? Well you are being the girl who called wolf, and sooner than later, the cops ARE NOT going to take you seriously anymore! They will see who called, and they will take their time to get there, because they know that you always want to drop the charges and lie for him. They aren't stupid! They KNOW you are lying! By that time you could be DEAD!

Why do I know this you may ask? I was YOU sweetheart...I WAS YOU! Do you want me to list the number of bones in my body that were broken? Or the number of hospital visits I made and lied about because I was threatened? Everything in your story was ME!...and I was there longer than you. It doesn't get BETTER! It gets much WORSE! Trust me, you could very likely end up dead. This is nothing to take lightly!

Cut off all contact, period! Find a new counsellor, because the one you have is BRAIN DEAD, and find someone that is qualified in handling abuse cases. Find a safe place to live and let the lawyers handle anything that involves contact. Do NOT tell him you're leaving, DO NOT tell him where you are going. Plan ahead, wait until he's out of the house, or bring the authorities with you and GO!

If you don't have a place yet, go to a battered woman's shelter in your area. You will be safe there. At the very least, go to a friend or family member and stay with them, but let the cops know that is where you are, and tell them the situation.

You need to get out PERIOD!

Leave him to cut a deal with the prosecuters on his own, and worry about what you have to do for your own life.

Time to be selfish, and protective of your own, and let everyone else take responsibility for their own actions.

I was involved in the same situation. My mother, bless her soul, lived through verbal and physical abuse to an extent that I really don't want to go into here. But I can tell you that she said that she 'stayed' because of 'us' kids...she kept forgiving him and saying that 'you have to understand the pressures he is going through.'

WHAT? For all those years! He had her scared to death!

I have to say that except for this (really big) flaw, we was a caring and wonderful woman, very smart woman whose capacity for loving was boundless...But clueless when it came to her own life.

When we were older and left home we all (all eight of us; her kids and his) begged her to leave and come live with one of us...

We told her that we would 'have it out with him or at least sit him down to straight talk" Her final argument was..'please don't, he will only take it out on me...' She wouldn't leave and we couldn't intervene.....

She said that 'he is better', 'he loves me in his own way', 'he doesn't really mean it'....

She put up with his CRAP and abuse for over 26 years! I don't understand, but I do know that she even would take the blame for things that we did as kids 'so daddy won't get mad!' I found this out much later...

Finally...he died, I did not go to his funeral and neither did most of his kids....we actually felt relieved...

Mom finally opened up and began to live her live, she traveled, she visited all of us in various parts of this country and 'came alive' for what I think was the first time...now, she was smiling much more...

I made a blood promise to myself that I would never spank, hit or abuse my kids or my wife...never and I would use 'him' as an example of how NOT to be....

My point is this LovesAnimals, HE WILL NEVER CHANGE! Please leave now, get away from him, start the first day of your new life, cut the cord hon, IT WILL NOT EVER GET BETTER only worse...I really pray that you leave and are safe.

I'm sorry, but stop and think for a moment, some of this problem is the low respect that you have for yourself...you need to change that, you need to start building you own life...

Stringer

Please leave! My cousin almost lost her life due to domestic violence. Her boyfriend beat her for years and nobody in my family knew about it until he beat her with a bat and made her blind in one eye. Now she has to wear a patch on her right eye and to this day she stills has nightwares about the abuse.

So please don't defend him because a man that would hit, choke, threaten you, or cause any bodily harm to you isn't a man at all because a real man would walk away to cool his head befores it even gets to that point. Believe it or not your the victim and need to protect yourself because what you had with this guy isn't love. You need to gather all the strength from within and stand strong. Talk to others women that walked in your shoes by joining a support group but put this guy in jail and I bet you he won't survive and guys in jail don't like to hear about guys like him.

Also, if you don't have nobody to stay with or a support system you can always go into a domestic violence shelter ana they would help you with everything you need to help you recover.

Do you know what happens to victims who drop charges against their abusers?

They are not taken seriously by police, family, or friends. That will leave you vulnerable to whatever he gets away with.

Protect yourself.

The domestic violence hotline number is 1-800-799-safe. They can made arrangements to pick you up from wherever your at. And help you by providing housing, counseling, support groups,etc

To me, a man who hits a woman or a child ...isn't a man at all....

What's he is really saying to you? I can't compete with you intellectually so I have revert to violence and abuse...?

Not a man at all...(period)

This cannot be good. Both of you need to be away from one another as you both seem psychologically fused together. For whatever reason, your self worth is so low, your judgement is clouded into thinking being choked is acceptable. His is obviously clouded, if he thinks it is ok to do that to someone. I am not trying to defend him in ANY way, but... Obviously he must be miserable to have to stoop to such a disgusting level. I can only imagine how ty he must feel about himself. Regardless if he does or does not, the bottom line is that you two are toxic for one another AT THIS POINT. For one to think a certain behavior is acceptable to DO, while the other thinks it is acceptable to DEAL WITH--there are serious underlying issues that need to be fixed. I hate to say the solution is to leave a marriage, but then again... I definitely do not advise living a life being disrespected in any way. He's crossed some major lines, and the fact that you even bothered to ask about advise shows it bothered you. Please walk away with your dignity, I promise you will love yourself for it later on. You deserve it...for yourself.

Hey....I'm back and still reading all your great comments. I was mistaken about what my counselor had suggested. She wanted me to tell him it was done but wanted someone...friend or cops....there because of the kind of reaction he might have. I didn't talk to him about all that though because of everything else going on.

The last person who wrote sounds exactly like my counselor. She says I have to unhealthly draw or need to my husband that doesn't allow me to leave. She says I'm actually hurting him by staying. She can see how much everything confuses me and how much I really do love him. The problem is that his constant want of things and his own way and treatment of me...changed who I was. I had resentment that built up slowly and I would just ignore it instead of addressing things... Now it's caused all this drama and nonsense to happen.

The really sad part is that I've always (in the past) been able to overlook all the bad and focus on the good and we move forward in our own demented way and now I just can't let go and do that. I know too much. I know our relationship is not healthy for either one of us right now and maybe never... I try to explain all this to him and he just doesn't get it. We need to have space and time to heal and fix ourselves so we can both be in healthy relationships whether with each other or not. I just put a stop to the cycle and things spiraled out of control!

I know what needs to be done and I think I'm in a better state of mind with our relationship or lack there of.

There is just too much going on for me to handle right now... I'm trying to work both jobs, figure out where to live (haven't paid on the mortgage and I'm approved for a place to rent). Now that he's getting the unemployment again and with both jobs I'm sure I can get the mortgage paid and hopefully caught up but should I even bother with everything else going on? My husband is facing prison time for the things he did to me.

My good sense tells me "what the hell are you doing women!" sticking by a man that almost killed you! He needs to have consequences to his actions or he's never going to learn or change... Unfortunately I think he's going to have some pretty big consequences...

So....this is where I'm at...

I know we can't be together for the good of me and the good of him but I'm not going to leave him alone in dealing with the charges. Even though I know his actions put him in this position I can't help feeling responsible for bringing them on because I told the doctor the truth! I told the truth! I'm not going to deny that he choked me but I am going to say it was horseplay and he doesn't deserve to go to prison for years. Maybe they will get him the help he needs.

He's got some fantasy that we are still going to be okay in the end even though I tell him I'm not okay with him or us to this day! I try to be as honest as I can...

Thanks for all the advise and believe it or not it's really helped me to sort through some things on the seriousness of everything. I do have escape plans in place and codes if something is wrong. I more fully understand what needs to be done but I have to do it in baby steps for me... I have come to the conclusion that I need to take ownership of things and make actions in my life to resolve the problems... One step at a time....

Thank you all