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I've been with him for 7 1/2 years and just recently it's escalated to physical violence to me. He's never layed a hand on me before. I was tired of constantly arguing with him over every little thing. He always had to have things ultimately his way. He didn't speak to me in a very respectful manner...just wasn't nice.
One final incident put me over the edge. I was already seeking personal counseling to try to figure out how to communicate to him how unhappy I was and to find out if he was truly abusive or if I was just exagerating things, you know? The incident was still in my mind where he embarassed me in front of friends at lunch telling me to "knock it off", yelling at me more like it, when I jumped into a conversation and talked over him. Mind you I did that quite often and tried to remember not to and just did this time. We had already been arguing that morning on whether I was going to the lunch or not (I was sick and really wanted to stay home but he wanted me to go). When he yelled one couple looked shocked... I put my menu up and silently cried. My heart and feelings hurt once again. I just couldn't let it go. I went home after the counseling appointment and asked him to leave. He did the next day because I just told him I needed space to figure things out which I did.
A month went by and he was trying to contact me and showing up at the house at least once a week. Then one night he came back and threatened to kill himself. I tried to stop him (calling 911) and he choked me. He moved back.
It's gotten better then worse. Another night after being turned down "intimately" yet again he choked me worse pretty much close to death.
He's still at the house and we are going to couples counciling and swears he sees the errors of his ways (treating me badly in the past) but still downplays the physical abuse. Is there any real hope for our relationship? Counselors have told me that it's not but I just don't want to believe them...you know. I wish I could just erase everything bad that's happened from my brain and just start over on a clean slate
I spent many years in an abusive marriage. I lost friends who tried to save me. One couple lived in the same house as us and had directed me to a divorce lawyer and I chickened out. They moved out in disgust. An abusive relationship just takes and takes. You just lose and lose. I even volunteered on a DV helpline to try to force myself to leave. When the dawn finally broke over Marblehead it was when I hit bottom. Even though we'd had knockdown, drag out fights for a long time, it was a slap in the face that ended it.
I write about this in the first chapter of my book that I finally realized that no one has the right to put their hands on you NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OR DO NOT DO.
Abuse is never okay. Its just not. It is possible to leave an abusive situation and lead a happy life.
There is no "doing right "by an abuser. There is only doing right by you.
I don't blame the victim but you get what you put up with. Once I stopped putting up with it, it stopped happening in my life. There is a dysfunctional dance that partners in a DV relationship do and you have to recognize and change your steps in the dance.
Unless and until you put yourself first, you will never break the sick chains of the DV relationship.
You must learn to do right by YOU and you alone. You cannot do right by you AND take care of him and you must never abandon you. NEVER.
Hey, LovesAnimals, thanks for checking in with us. Always look for your posts.
Please don't wait for the court date to leave. I've already posted what could happen. You know that is just your way of putting it off. You need to be away from him and you know it. Do right by you!! You are young and could have a wonderful future ahead of you. Don't deny yourself a happy life. Be safe.
Hi, it's been a few weeks since I've posted anything. I am still safe but still not in a good place because nothing has changed in my life. Everything is the same..... I've not posted because I really don't want to come accross as a whinny "poor me" person.
I've had bad days (where everything is so confusing) and good days (where I see everything with clarity). I know I'm the only one that can change anything in my life but when I get the strength to do it....something always happens (or so I let something else happen).
His court dates keep getting pushed back and postponed. His defense is that I lied at the doctor and to the sheriff but no one will believe that and I can't go into a court of law and lie. I was just told there is no spousal privalege in a case like this though so... I've not been contacted but I'm sure it's a matter of time.
Thank you to all of you for your support when I've needed you. I still will go back and read the messages you've written so far to help give me strength to make it through each day. I really try to look at everything you know?
Well, I just wanted to let you know nothing profound has happened but nothing horrible has happened either...
When are you going to make a clean break?? Are you waiting to see what happens after his court date? Are you expecting things to change?
I don't understand...he's going to go in and tell the judge that you lied about everything and that he did nothing wrong. You know otherwise....why stay with him when you know that he is going to be calling you a liar on top of everything else??
Is it financial? Is it fear? Are you afraid there will be reprecussions if you leave or kick him out?
When you are you going to start living your life instead of just existing on his time schedule? Don't wait for it to be forced on you after he goes to court.....take back your life....on your own terms.
I just came across this post. LovesAnimals, what kind of flowers do you like? You won't leave and he will get more violent, intentions notwithstanding. Rest in Peace.
When are you going to make a clean break?? Are you waiting to see what happens after his court date? Are you expecting things to change?
I don't understand...he's going to go in and tell the judge that you lied about everything and that he did nothing wrong. You know otherwise....why stay with him when you know that he is going to be calling you a liar on top of everything else??
Is it financial? Is it fear? Are you afraid there will be reprecussions if you leave or kick him out?
When you are you going to start living your life instead of just existing on his time schedule? Don't wait for it to be forced on you after he goes to court.....take back your life....on your own terms.
Your post is a good one and very correct...but that question has been asked of her many times, I believe that it doesn't matter what the reason is that she is not leaving...she just doesn't want to (period).
You will always find a drama that keeps you.
You know there are women's shelters that will get you a new life and away from him where he can't find you.
You are going to end up with any of these results
looking back and wishing you hadn't wasted your life on this guy
choked to death or killed one way or another by him
living the rest of your life with the same mess and not getting anywhere.
Move on the faster you get away the faster you can find your prince
charming. Trust me I've been through all that and I left and found the man of my dreams.
I seem to be alone here - I honestly DO understand the reasons women don't leave, how good women get tied into bad men. Afraid of being alone, having someone is better than having no one, he says he loves me and maybe he does.
All I can do is keep you in my thoughts and pray you are safe.
Everything good - and everything bad - comes in time. You know what your options are. You just have to come to a place of comfort and peace.
I seem to be alone here - I honestly DO understand the reasons women don't leave, how good women get tied into bad men. Afraid of being alone, having someone is better than having no one, he says he loves me and maybe he does.
All I can do is keep you in my thoughts and pray you are safe.
Everything good - and everything bad - comes in time. You know what your options are. You just have to come to a place of comfort and peace.
Thinking about you -
No, you're not alone....I agree, certainly there are reasons women don't leave. Many of us here have gone through the same thing or something similar....finding it hard to move forward even though we knew it had to be done....finding excuses not to, holding onto glimmers that things might change, letting our fears hold us back..... but there comes a time when a woman needs to make those moves to protect herself.
That time will be different for everyone, but sometimes women need to have a "push" in order to take that last step....to break through the fear of being alone, of wondering how they will manage, of what people will think, the reasons are numerous.
If this were just an unhappy marriage, that would be different, but this involves physical abuse and that makes the stakes much higher.
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