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I texted her "Hey you just wanted to say hey and how are you?"
Texted me back, "I was just about to send you a text asking you the same thing. I'm at work can you talk?"
I told her I could talk before I go to work. She called me and we talked for an hour. Laughed and joked around like old times. It felt so natural. She said seh was afraid to talk to me because she thought I didn't want to talk to her. She said she's not over me at all and that she did't want to break up in the first place but couldn't handle the way I was treating her at the time. She kept asking questions about if we started over would it be better. I told her I thought so and that I'd learned a lot about myself. She asked what and I told her and told her how much I regretted the way I treated her and the way I drove her away. She said she was really sorry and that she didn't make it any easier on me. She admitted to being a b!tch to me. She said she's not sure about being in a relationship right now and I told her I wasn't ready right this moment either. I told her I'm still tryign to get myself together and she said she was doign the same. She told me she had turned down a few guys and that she wasn't anywhere close to being over me. She said serveral times how much she missed me. She asked if I still loved her and I told her I didn't think I should answer that question. She asked what if she still feels that way for me and I said that she would have to be honest about it to me. She kept asking me if I was dating anyone or interested in anyone. She asked me if I'd slept with anyone or done anything. I was honest and told her I don't believe in one night stands or meaningless sex. She said she'd kept her legs closed. She told me she wasn't interrested in anyone and I took her word for it. I asked her out to lunch for her birthday (Apr 6) and she said yes and couldn't contain her excitement. She kept going on and on about it. We're not back together and I don't know that we will be but I think its atleast something. I was very clear to her that I can't be "just friends" with her and that I am still interrested in her. She seemed interrested in planning other "dates" with me as well and we're going to drive to the mountains on Friday the 18th together. I don't know where to go from here. I told her we could be friends for now and see where it goes, but that I'm not interrested in being "just friends" and won't settle for the friends slot.
I'm trying not to have expectations. I know I could be in for a world more hurt and disappointment. I'm trying to just see what happens. Like I said I'm trying to be cautious and not get my hopes up. Please give me your thoughts on it.
I know nothing but time could ever let me trust her again. Nothing I ask her to do will instantly restore my trust or respect for her. I look at her and see two people. The woman I love and know, and the woman that she was after we broke up. I love the first and Hate the second. I look at her with a sick mix of disgust and affection. Part of my want to throw up just looking at her and the other part wants to do nothing but hold her and kiss her. Its like I see her as two different people, but intellectually I know that its all just her as a whole. One person. It makes it easier in some reguards to think of it as a different person as to not sully the image I have of her, but thats not reality. Her actions, while some would say they are her business (even when they directly affect me), speak for her character and the type of person she is. Restoring real trust and respect for her might take nothing short of an act of God, and i need some time to figure out if I want to give her the chance. I know theres nothing I can ask of her that will restore my trust in her. Only time, if I give her a chance.
Red Flag? When you try to change someone into what you think they should be its not love, nor is it acceptance for who they are. Yes, I see a big problem with the path your on right now, as your finding out things you cannot accept, but you must acknowledge ...............you asked for it!
Red Flag? When you try to change someone into what you think they should be its not love, nor is it acceptance for who they are. Yes, I see a big problem with the path your on right now, as your finding out things you cannot accept, but you must acknowledge ...............you asked for it!
Outta context tal... I wasn't saying I can change her over time, I was saying my respect and trust for her can only be gained again over time. Shes wanting to be the person she used to be. She says she hates what she became. I believe her and I see her making the effort to do so ON HER OWN. I'm still gonna think about this for a while and whether or not I can forgive her of her mistakes. I know I either have to accept her or not. I'm not wanting to change her. I just don't want to be in a position to be hurt again if she starts going down a dark and dangerous path again. I'm just being guarded. I'm not trying to change her. Shes trying to change for herself and for her own well being. I believe her and I see it happening.
As for the drug testing, I talked to her today about a lot of things. I went back on what I said and decided to still do one drug test, and only one, just so I could get her parents off my back by giving them proof that shes off them. This will make both my life and hers easier if they stop worrying so much. She thought it was a great idea. She looked me in the eye and promised (on her own) that she won't use them anymore, that she hated what they did to her, and that she doesn't want to be that person anymore. That was good enough for me.
As for the other guy, it has nothing to do with his age or what or who he is. It has nothing to do with whether we were broke up or not. It has to do with my perception of her and my opinion of her. She jumped in bed with a guy two DAYS after we broke up like the two years we had together meant nothing to her. She took no time to grieve and wasn't upset at all. Like I meant NOTHING to her. Thats where the hurt comes from. She called it revenge sex like she was getting back at me. She said I hurt her and at the time she wanted something to hurt me back with. She said it only made her feel worse and now that I found out she wished it never happen. She regrets it happened at all. I just gotta figure out if its something I can get past.
[quote=SJB1701E] She jumped in bed with a guy two DAYS after we broke up like the two years we had together meant nothing to her. She took no time to grieve and wasn't upset at all. Like I meant NOTHING to her.
Do you honestly think she split up with you and then just happened upon this guy only two days after you broke up. At best, she left you for him, at worst, she was seeing him when you were still together.
Remember, the best indicator of future behaviour is past actions. Be very careful.
She jumped in bed with a guy two DAYS after we broke up like the two years we had together meant nothing to her. She took no time to grieve and wasn't upset at all. Like I meant NOTHING to her.
Do you honestly think she split up with you and then just happened upon this guy only two days after you broke up. At best, she left you for him, at worst, she was seeing him when you were still together.
Remember, the best indicator of future behaviour is past actions. Be very careful.
I'm not so naive... I know that she was interested in him prior to the break up. I was being an uncaring jack@ss to her due to emotional problems of my own and not being able to cope with circumstances in other areas of my life. I shut her out emotionally months before the breakup. In her words, and I happen to agree with her on this, when she gave up on me, it was long after I had already given up on myself. She said I hated myself so much, it made it difficult for her to love me. She eventually gave up. I blame her for her actions, but I set myself up for her to leave me and for another guy to swoop in like a vulture. Vultures circle something when they know its going to die soon. This guy told her just what she wanted to hear and gave her what I stopped giving her. And the guy got what he wanted, a halfway decent lay. She started making out with him before we broke up. She slept with him after. I believe her on this. That being said, her leaving me for this guy appears the more likely senario in this case. Thats how I see it. I also see him as nothing more than a rebound to her. I know its not the healthiest thing, and I know she is responsible for her own actions, but I do blame myself more than anyone for this whole mess.
I would also like to say she has admitted to making out with him before the breakup... i.e. cheating... and to sleeping with him after the break up. Its not like shes still lying to me. What would be the point? Shes already told me the worst news. Even if she did sleep with him prior to the breakup, it wouldn't really make a difference at this point. Cheating is cheating no matter how far you actually go. You see, at this point there is no point to keep lying to me and hiding things from me. What difference would it make. It would be lying about pointles symantics. Anything short of "I had to abort his b@st@rd child" wouldn't really make a difference now would it? What news could she possibly be hiding at this point that would be worse than what she already told me? Even if she slept with him more than once it wouldn't make a difference. She can't really drop any worse bombs than shes already dropped.
I would also like to say she has admitted to making out with him before the breakup... i.e. cheating... and to sleeping with him after the break up. Its not like shes still lying to me. What would be the point? Shes already told me the worst news. Even if she did sleep with him prior to the breakup, it wouldn't really make a difference at this point. Cheating is cheating no matter how far you actually go. You see, at this point there is no point to keep lying to me and hiding things from me. What difference would it make. It would be lying about pointles symantics. Anything short of "I had to abort his b@st@rd child" wouldn't really make a difference now would it? What news could she possibly be hiding at this point that would be worse than what she already told me? Even if she slept with him more than once it wouldn't make a difference. She can't really drop any worse bombs than shes already dropped.
So why take someone back who has done that?? I think you are making excuses for her, and I don't think she comprehends the way she has behaved. The red flags Tal refers to are clearly there.
Even if you do get back together, will you be able to forget this behaviour? If yes, go for it, if not, I think you could be storing up resentment for a later date.
I haven't made any decisions as of yet. Just sorting everything out. Like I said, I hold her fully responsible for her own actions. I also hold myself responsible for my actions. If you saw the shattered girl I see now, you would see she fully comprehends the scope of her actions, however only after she committed them. She understands what she did and the people it hurt and exactly what she became. I know this from observation. She saw herself in the mirror metaphorically speaking. She didn't think through the consequences of her actions before commiting them, which is a testement to her maturity, but she realises what she has done after the fact and owns up to her mistakes, which also stands as a testement to her maturity.
I'm not making any decisions until I take time to think about things.
Or you could conclude her life was a wreck, and she wants you to save her from herself. Another red flag.
Absolutely. She is not some teenager either. She is a grown woman who should have her own life in control.
I think you should take a step back. Does she see you as the sticking plaster for her problems? In other words, was this behaviour she carried out inevitable no matter who she was with? If you think that is a possibility, you have another red flag. You do not want to spend your whole life being a nurse for someone.
You can only help someone so much, at some point they need to start helping themself.
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