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I texted her "Hey you just wanted to say hey and how are you?"
Texted me back, "I was just about to send you a text asking you the same thing. I'm at work can you talk?"
I told her I could talk before I go to work. She called me and we talked for an hour. Laughed and joked around like old times. It felt so natural. She said seh was afraid to talk to me because she thought I didn't want to talk to her. She said she's not over me at all and that she did't want to break up in the first place but couldn't handle the way I was treating her at the time. She kept asking questions about if we started over would it be better. I told her I thought so and that I'd learned a lot about myself. She asked what and I told her and told her how much I regretted the way I treated her and the way I drove her away. She said she was really sorry and that she didn't make it any easier on me. She admitted to being a b!tch to me. She said she's not sure about being in a relationship right now and I told her I wasn't ready right this moment either. I told her I'm still tryign to get myself together and she said she was doign the same. She told me she had turned down a few guys and that she wasn't anywhere close to being over me. She said serveral times how much she missed me. She asked if I still loved her and I told her I didn't think I should answer that question. She asked what if she still feels that way for me and I said that she would have to be honest about it to me. She kept asking me if I was dating anyone or interested in anyone. She asked me if I'd slept with anyone or done anything. I was honest and told her I don't believe in one night stands or meaningless sex. She said she'd kept her legs closed. She told me she wasn't interrested in anyone and I took her word for it. I asked her out to lunch for her birthday (Apr 6) and she said yes and couldn't contain her excitement. She kept going on and on about it. We're not back together and I don't know that we will be but I think its atleast something. I was very clear to her that I can't be "just friends" with her and that I am still interrested in her. She seemed interrested in planning other "dates" with me as well and we're going to drive to the mountains on Friday the 18th together. I don't know where to go from here. I told her we could be friends for now and see where it goes, but that I'm not interrested in being "just friends" and won't settle for the friends slot.
I'm trying not to have expectations. I know I could be in for a world more hurt and disappointment. I'm trying to just see what happens. Like I said I'm trying to be cautious and not get my hopes up. Please give me your thoughts on it.
I think what we are all saying is, you never healed from the first break-up and now all of this is happening so quickly. Because it is happening so quickly you are jumping at her call(just my opinion) and trying to rush things to get back to the place you were before, but keep in mind, if what went wrong in the relationship is not discussed then it will only happen again. "If we do not learn from the past, we are doomed to repeat it"
Don't take this the wrong way, I want this to work out for you. But I'm just afraid that if it falls through, its going to hit you a lot harder because you never fully healed
You are absolutely right that I haven't healed. I need to find a way to deal with that while dealing with having her in my life again. Impossible? Maybe. I brought this on myself, and I feel as though I need to get stronger and rise to the challange I set before myself. I had built a wall to protect myself, but it turned out to be made of glass. Transparant and easily shattered. I lost all my defenses mearly being in her presence. I need to find a way to better control myself before the next date. I'm not entirely sure how to do that.
Believe me I want to discuss what went wrong before jumping back in. In fact we've been doing that. But on the other hand, I'm not sure the dating phase is the right time to drudge up all the negative emotions associated with that. I believe it to be crucial right now to form new happy experiences with her so that those are the emotions she will immediately associate with me. If theres one thing I have done, its examine what went wrong. I think there will be a more appropriate time and place to discuss with her where the relationship failed.
If this does fall through, I will be crushed, and I know that. I knew that intellectually going in. It won't kill me though.
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Originally Posted by talaniman
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Originally Posted by SJB1701E
Ok seriously putting me on the defensive here.
When we feel like we need to defend our actions, thats the time to evaluate them first. I share his concerns, as we already know your weakness for her and now a willingness to follow her lead, is something to think about. Think about where your head will be after spending most of the day smelling her perfume and slobbing on her lipstick. Part of what we as guys ignore is putting ourselves in a position to be seduced, or influenced against our will. This whirlwind your on, has you doing, and not listening, a dangerous game of distraction, from the real issue, and thats how she feels about you, and more importantly, what she is going to do about it. Reread this posts for yourself, and see if you have kept any part of the plan you have laid out for yourself. If you find it, please let me know.
Ok so how do I take charge of the situation? I feel as though any control I have will be illusionary. I can't make her be with me again. I can't make her think or feel the way I want her to. So what can I do? What control do I actually have over the situation? Myself? Not hardly. Being around her was like taking a hit from a really strong drug. (No drugs are bad for you metaphors. Already been down that line of thought several times) It was intoxicating. She has a spell over me and it irritates me. And after the meeting, I crashed off of that drug. I am feeling withdraws I haven't felt since the breakup. Physical, psycolgical, and emotional pain. The wounds have been reopened in other words. I knew this would be hard but I wasn't prepared for it. My eyes haven't been taken off the goal though. I won't be satisfied unless she defines her feelings for me and I get reconcilliation with her. And I am prepared to break it off with her if I don't get that definition and reconcilliation in the next few months. I am getting past the initial shock. This will get easier and I will get more control over myself. I'm already telling myself no to several impulses I've had such as asking her out for another date so I can see her sooner. I told myself no. I also haven't contacted her since the date which believe me is a hard thing to do. I am reevaluating the plan and trying to find a way to revamp it to take into account what I learned in this first encounter. I've tripped some, but I haven't fallen flat on my face. I just gotta make sure I keep from falling. Time to make a new plan.
Hey guys, just wanted you all to know I woke up today feeling normal. What an odd thing to say right? I didn't feel panicked or worried. I didn't wake up craving attention of the ex girlfriend. I felt normal and have had a pretty normal day. My mind is a lot clearer and my heart a lot calmer. I don't know why. Perhaps it took a few days to get over teh shock of seeing her, but today I feel pretty good.
I did speak to the ex today briefly, but I was already having a good day before that. The one thing I will say I observed out of her though is she is being extremely insecure about me. She keeps going on and on in every conversation email and on the phone about how much she is looking forward to the next date. And she keeps asking me repetedly if I really want to go with her. Not in a way that sounds like she wants to back out, but in a way that sounds like she is afraid of me backing out. I jokingly brought it up saying, "Yes, I still want to go with you. You're not afraid of me canceling are you?" She said she thought the only reason I was going with her was so I wouldn't hurt her feelings. This makes somewhere around the 10th time shes asked me if I was still going with her. Today she actually asked twice. I checked my email when I got to work and she had sent me 2 emails, one telling me how much fun she had with me on her birthday and the other making sure I was still going with her. I replied saying yes. Then later in the day she calls me from work asking me the same thing like she couldn't wait till after work to get the answer from her email. I don't know what to make of it other than she's being insecure. Thought I'd mention it as I thuoght it was curious. I won't say it had no effect on me, it was certainly a confidence and ego boost, even if it is a sign that she could someday fall back into codependancy.
Seems to me your life just got a whole lot more complicated when you picked up that phone and called her. Man, getting her back better be worth all this dude.
Oh sorry, misunderstood you BMI. I hope its worth it in the end as well. I contacted her initialy because I think too much with my heart. Seriously our relationship only turned sour in the last 3-4 weeks or so before the breakup. Mostly it was good for the almost 2 years before that. Of course we had issues like everyone but none of them were deal breakers. Codependancy is something to be addressed before I go too far into the deep end. It basically comes down to pros vs cons and risk vs reward. At present things are still worth the effort to me. "If you want something bad enough play through the pain" "Nothing worth having is easy to obtain."
Do not get caught up in inspiration quotes and apply them to your love-life, they are a fantistic way to delude yourself into thinking your fighting the good fight but really set you up for hurt and heartache.
To be honest, you contacted way too early, your not ready for this, plain and simple. Only once you have come to terms with what happened before can you handle these situations, by the time that happens you usually have gotten over them (bless N/C).
I think this is folly, done it myself, read about others doing it, very rarely does it turn out well. I know you will not take this advice (i didn't) but rather justify what you are doing in the name of love and fate, regardless I wish you luck.
BMI, I agree totally...He is jumping way too high with things right now. She calls, he calls right back. You haven't adjusted to things wihtout her yet, and she is still dependant on whoever she can latch onto. It seems to me that old problems that caused the relationship to end are just going to come back around and leave you worse than what you were. Is she even going to get help for her dependacy?
Re-living the honeymoon seldom helps. Sooner or later it will be stone cold facts, and old feelings, and behaviors, that need to be resolved.................again. The whole question will again be the same as it was, are you both willing to work together, to solve your issues, to the benefit of you both? Not can you still have a good time, with a lot of chemistry.
Well tal, I'm glad you said that, because now we're getting down to the nitty gritty dirty, what went wrong and what can we do to fix it. We had a talk to day focusing on exactly that. Brutal honesty from both of us and talking about what we could do better. I also got emotional feedback from her and her feelings towards me. The reasons for her indecision. And what we can do to correct those issues. I expect more talks with her soon about it. Shes still in love with me. Shes very hurt by me. I don't trust her. She doesn't trust me. We agreed to start earning eachothers trust back one day at a time. Its a step forward. I feel better having got a lot out in the open with her. I decided, after encouragement from my therapist, that if I am going to be completely open and honest with her, I should do so boldly, and I did. And it got positive results. Still much work to be done, but now we arn't tiptoeing around the issues which means we can actually start talking them out and working on them. She says she wants to fix things. We both agreed to do it one day at a time.
There's hope as long as your willing to work. All to often when the newness, and fun wear off, people just drift apart, looking for new thrills. Relationships are about the work you put in, with your partners help.
She says she wants to fix things. We both agreed to do it one day at a time.
You're headed in the right direction. The willingness of both you to work things out is what is necessary to start over. However, as always remember to take things slow. Good luck and keep us up-to-date.
Guys, heres an update. Still proceeding one day at a time, and slow. She hurt me today. I've decided to forgive her, even though many of you wouldn't. I found out about a rebound guy earlier this week from her being upfront and honest with me, and I was afraid to tell you guys because I didn't want all of you jumping to conclusions. I needed to see things on my own.
The rebound guy: Much older than her, hidden from her parents, they weren't dating, just "more than friends", which she explained meant there sere feelings involved and she was having a physical relationship with him to the point of making out and no farther. She said that they didn't get involved until after the breakup. When she told me about him she didn't tell me all this, just of his existance. All she would tell me is she had to talk to him about "things". Naturally I was uneasy and ready to head to the door and walkout of the situation, but I decided to see how it played out, being as she was being somewhat upfront and honest about it.
Today, I called her to set a definate get together time for our date on Friday. She answered and sounded really upset. I asked her what she was bothering her and she told me she ended things with the other guy today and that it didn't go cleanly. She said that she wanted to see where things go with me and that I deserve better than for her to be sneeking around behind my back with him while she was doing so. I told her I was hurt that she hadn't been completely honest with me to begin with, but I was going to forgive her. I stopped by her work when she got off and she met me in the parking lot. I hung out with her there for a little less than an hour. I asked her, and told her I was only going to ask once and then I would drop it and put a little trust in her, "Are you done with this guy and pursueing anything romantic or physical with anyone else while you are trying to work things out with me?" She said she was done and that all shes been able to think about is me since that last date. She said she was really sorry it had taken this long (almost 2 weeks) for her to decide to end things with him and that she was really worried that she had just screwed up any chance she had had with me by hiding it from me. I forgave her. She assured me I am the only one now and that she believes things will work out with me, but that she wants to go slow and not jump right back into a relationship because she believes that was one of the initial problems with our relationship the first time. We almost skipped dating all together the first time (somewhere around 3-4 dates before we were spending all day every day together). She said she thinks things will work out between us, but she believes we need to do a lot of things differently, which I agree with. She says that I've really changed, and for the better, and I've noticed some positive changes in her as well. I still feel a lot of hurt and some anger towards her, but I'm dealing with it. I especially feel hurt and anger over her hiding this guy from me, but I am taking a leap of faith now by trusting her and giving her the benefit of the doubt.
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