I broke NC at several peoples suggestions.

I texted her "Hey you just wanted to say hey and how are you?"
Texted me back, "I was just about to send you a text asking you the same thing. I'm at work can you talk?"

I told her I could talk before I go to work. She called me and we talked for an hour. Laughed and joked around like old times. It felt so natural. She said seh was afraid to talk to me because she thought I didn't want to talk to her. She said she's not over me at all and that she did't want to break up in the first place but couldn't handle the way I was treating her at the time. She kept asking questions about if we started over would it be better. I told her I thought so and that I'd learned a lot about myself. She asked what and I told her and told her how much I regretted the way I treated her and the way I drove her away. She said she was really sorry and that she didn't make it any easier on me. She admitted to being a b!tch to me. She said she's not sure about being in a relationship right now and I told her I wasn't ready right this moment either. I told her I'm still tryign to get myself together and she said she was doign the same. She told me she had turned down a few guys and that she wasn't anywhere close to being over me. She said serveral times how much she missed me. She asked if I still loved her and I told her I didn't think I should answer that question. She asked what if she still feels that way for me and I said that she would have to be honest about it to me. She kept asking me if I was dating anyone or interested in anyone. She asked me if I'd slept with anyone or done anything. I was honest and told her I don't believe in one night stands or meaningless sex. She said she'd kept her legs closed. She told me she wasn't interrested in anyone and I took her word for it. I asked her out to lunch for her birthday (Apr 6) and she said yes and couldn't contain her excitement. She kept going on and on about it. We're not back together and I don't know that we will be but I think its atleast something. I was very clear to her that I can't be "just friends" with her and that I am still interrested in her. She seemed interrested in planning other "dates" with me as well and we're going to drive to the mountains on Friday the 18th together. I don't know where to go from here. I told her we could be friends for now and see where it goes, but that I'm not interrested in being "just friends" and won't settle for the friends slot.

I'm trying not to have expectations. I know I could be in for a world more hurt and disappointment. I'm trying to just see what happens. Like I said I'm trying to be cautious and not get my hopes up. Please give me your thoughts on it.

Questions2007

It is about actions and not words at this stage. Just do what is natural and don't push too much. Though there will come a time when you need to both sit down and talk, that time is not yet!

JBeaucaire

At some point I hope you realize that saying "no" to things is a sign of strength. Saying "no" to yourself is a critical skill. You don't have that skill, at all.

You're first date reads like all the stuff you'd expect from the first 10 dates over a 2-3 month period. If you thought it, you said it. If you thought it, you did it. If she thought/did anything, you went along with it.

With no sense of measure, you dive in head long as if you two never broke up at all.

Post after post you say the same thing:
"I know this is not smart, but I'm going to do this."
"I know I shouldn't do this, but I did."
"I wasn't ready for this at all, but I'm doing it anyway."

The sheer volume of your posts also concerns me. Obssessive, maybe? It might explain a lot of this. Anyway, my point is still that restraint is a key skill in leadership. If you have any hope of leading intelligently to a solid, safe place, you have GOT to learn how to say "No, let's not do that." Not only to her, but to YOU. And after saying no, MEAN IT. Don't do it.

Your "second date" is an all-day destination-event date? See what I mean? This already sounds like an "engaged-people's-activity". For some reason, either you or her are push-push-pushing to ramp things right back to where they once were as quickly as humanly possible.

That's a mistake. You two didn't work that way before. Racing back to where you were is a mistake. By the time you slowly, slowly, heart-breakingly slowly reach that point over a 6-month period, you give yourselves EVERY CHANCE to reacquire your intimacy and NOT be at the same place you were before...where it didn't work.

I sincerely hope you understand my point.

If this destination-event can't be changed, TAKE SOME CHAPERONES, or cancel the date for something closer, MUCH shorter, and completely 100% public.

Land mines, everywhere, dude.

BMI

Lots and lots of info here.

Can't say I saw this happening, only b/c it seemed like you thought this through very well, although you drastically underestimated the feelings involved.

In perspective, it went well for a date with an ex, obviously there are still strong feelings on both your sides. What went wrong was the fact that, again, you underestimated your draw to her and your actions reveal that you missed and wanted her back alot more than you led on.

This booze thing is an excuse butmay play a part just yet. Perhaps you were so out of character (at least compared to the way you've presented yourself on here)b/c of the drinks, as was she and perhaps that is why it turned into such a lovey-dovey affair. During the lunch when you and her were not buzzing you said you had silences and the like, it seems after the lunch you both became more open and revealing. The actions that took place may not be what either of you were actual feeling (well maybe not as intense) and if you consider it a mistake she may well also, the flip-flop scenario that annoyingly comes up.

Overall I think its hard to comment as to whether its good or bad. Its good in the sense she still has feelings for you, if you dealt with feelings of hernot caring for you or her dating other guys than this date dispelled those thoughts and that is a big positive. The downside is that you may have gotten into something you may not even want, and you said it perfectly yourself if that bethecase "what have i gotten myself into?". You are also correct about the second time hurting more than the first, more hurt, more anger, more stress. This is one reason why members here advocate so strongly for N/C and instruct to keep it going strong no matter what, you can lie to yourself very easily. Intellectually you understand but emotionally you didn't. You say you were goingto becareful and were anything but a cautious ex-b/f, so that was you convincing yourself you can handle this days prior to game-time.

I guess you can answer best whether it went well or not based on what you REALLY want from this girl.

talaniman

Never mix alcohol, perfume and lipstick. Especially at a Targets. Let me know when the brain comes in.

SJB1701E

Ok seriously putting me on the defensive here. I'm usually not one to disrespect peoples opinions, but I feel a strong need to defend myself right now. Mostly you've been very helpful, and I really appreciate you taking the time to do so, but I do need to stand up for myself when I feel as though I am being misinterpreted.

I am new to this. I've never done this before. I didn't know what to expect of her or myself. I don't think I did horribly being as I didn't have any experiece or a guide book. In the past getting dumped from a long term relationship (1 year+) I have told the dumper to kiss my @ss and called them every name in the book. I've never tried to get back together with an ex before. I'm new to this. I knew the risks going into it, but I didn't know what to expect when it actually happened. What Tal said is true, I have very little control in her physical presence. Its something I have to learn. You can't expect me to be there all at once. I don't have that expectation of myself. I understand that this is a learning process and one that carries high risk. I also understand the importance of NC and I didn't make the decision to break it lightly. I'm taking a risky road, I'm playing with fire. It will either turn out rewarding or devastating. I KNOW that. Its not like I'll die or anthing. But you gotta take the risk if you want the reward. So I am. And I won't do it pretty or perfect. I will make mistakes, and I will LEARN from them. I can list my mistakes if you don't believe I grasp them. Thats the big thing you need to realise. I SEE my mistakes. SEEING them allows my to examine myself and what to do better next time. So long as I avoid the huge mistakes, and learn from the rest, I should be fine. The fact that she still wants the second date tells me I didn't completely ruin my chances, which tells me I didn't make any horrible mistakes. the mistakes I made can be corrected now that I know what to prepare for.

You also quoted me several times stating that I was doing things I knew were mistakes. This is taken out of context. You should realise that by verbalizing that, I was intending to say that while I realise I am in the process of doing something wrong, I am recognising it and correcting it. Again, learning process. You learn more from mistakes than you do from getting right the first time. And that one, "I wasn't ready for this at all, but I'm doing it anyway." That was a statement conveying that I have already committed to this path of trying to get back together, but now realise I wasn't prepared. Having said that, the task is before me NOW and I need to adapt on the fly because the chance won't be there later. No time to prepare, just have to learn as I go.

Oh and being obsessive, give me a freaking break. I had a lot of emotions stirred up right afterwards and needed to get it out. That and I am extremely longwinded when I write. To be honest, you guys on here are the only ones I've really talked to in depth about the date. All the people in my real life have gotten the short, "It went ok" answer when asking me about it. And one more time, its a learning process and I will be able to say NO in the future now that I have a better idea of what to expect of myself.

The second trip is like a half day event. And if you were familiar with where I live, you would know how horribly boring it could be. An hour or so drive isn't that bad. You act like we're going on vacation together. There is nothing wrong with the venue, especially given the nostalgic connection to the place. That and she has free tickets. The aquarium is a very public place and usually very busy. As far as chaperones, give me a little bit more credit than that. No alcohol, public place, and I better know what to expect. I think I've at least learned something.


I did very seriously underestimate my feelings. I thought I was prepared. The knowledge was there. But being around her and not knowing wha tto expect, my brain lost control and I was leading with my heart. The alcohol didn't help, but I don't think we were that far out of character. I think it did make our feelings be closer to the surface than either one of us really wanted to show. I don't think it intensified the feelings, it just made them easier to come out in the open. To be honest it probably would have still gone that way without the alcohol. I really attribute the silences at first to us adjusting. We haven't seen each other since Febuary so it took a little time to really fall back into natural conversation with each other. Also the relationship was on both of our minds and that made it a little hard to focus on other things. I did my best to not focus on any one thing so that it would be broken up, light, and fun. I kept her laughing. I think things are still looking good. Alcohol or no, she still has feelings for me and I think thats a very good thing. by "what have I gotten myself into," I simply meant that I wasn't as prepared as I though I was and that I need ot be careful not to let it overwhelm me. I was prepared intellectually, but no where close emotionaly. I am better prepared now that I know what to expect. Hopefully, I can actually use at least part of my brain on my next encounter. Its one big learning process.


So True... you were dead right about how I would be in her physical presence. Now that I have a better idea of what to expect of myself, and of her, I feel that my brain can take control of my actions a little better.... won't say i'll be perfect, I'm sure I'll make more mistakes, but now i know what to expect.

JBeaucaire

I'm not the one that needs convincing, so if you're OK with these dates, that's all that matters in the end.

All I'm interested in here, the only reason I even post here, is to help people NOT fall into repetitive ruts. If you're in no danger of that, then good work.

But if the danger is still very real, then just focus on the POINTS we're making, not the inevitable miscalculation/misinterpretation of facts or what you've said to us. Our underlying points will probably stand even through those corrections. Understand?

For instance, you indicated a 7-8 hour dating outing. That sounds very isolated, doesn't it? So my response to you is reasonable based on what you originally said. And even though you've downplayed that with your additional info about the aquarium trip, my point is still the same, that much time together (7-8 hours you didn't change) in a single date is asking for more "over-communication" and rushing through dates and dates worth of activity. If you don't see that as a likely result, or disagree you two will have a repeat performance from your first date (and more), well, then what can I say?

I'm concerned for you. If nothing else, I hope you understand that.

talaniman

The quote I have in my signature about obstacles, is not there to look good.

SJB1701E

I do understand. I may have took it the wrong way. Don't think I'm ungrateful. It just rubbed me the wrong way. I am ok with these dates, it is just going to be more emotionally demanding than I had previously thought. I'll learn and adapt. I see the risk of over communication in this next date, but I alos see the potential for a lot of good things. I don't expect anything as far as reconciliation goes to come out of two dates. I just need to keep in mind that I'm trying to have fun. A part of me is in a hurry to get into the security and comfort of a relationship, but I'm trying to keep that in check. It was never my primary motivation in this. I am capable of being happy and single. I want her because I love her. Simple as that. And I consider her worth the effort and risk to achieve that goal. I'll make more of an effort using what I learned from the first date to keep things light and fun. I will also not let things progress physically past the point they are at. And I may be spending the morning and afternoon with her, but I'll end the date upon arriving back in town. I won't go out to dinner or spend the evening with her. I figure I'll probably spend from 10am-4 or 5pm with her and then end the date. I know thats a long date, but I think I will be ok.

Romefalls19

I think what we are all saying is, you never healed from the first break-up and now all of this is happening so quickly. Because it is happening so quickly you are jumping at her call(just my opinion) and trying to rush things to get back to the place you were before, but keep in mind, if what went wrong in the relationship is not discussed then it will only happen again. "If we do not learn from the past, we are doomed to repeat it"

Don't take this the wrong way, I want this to work out for you. But I'm just afraid that if it falls through, its going to hit you a lot harder because you never fully healed

talaniman

When we feel like we need to defend our actions, thats the time to evaluate them first. I share his concerns, as we already know your weakness for her and now a willingness to follow her lead, is something to think about. Think about where your head will be after spending most of the day smelling her perfume and slobbing on her lipstick. Part of what we as guys ignore is putting ourselves in a position to be seduced, or influenced against our will. This whirlwind your on, has you doing, and not listening, a dangerous game of distraction, from the real issue, and thats how she feels about you, and more importantly, what she is going to do about it. Reread this posts for yourself, and see if you have kept any part of the plan you have laid out for yourself. If you find it, please let me know.