I broke NC at several peoples suggestions.

I texted her "Hey you just wanted to say hey and how are you?"
Texted me back, "I was just about to send you a text asking you the same thing. I'm at work can you talk?"

I told her I could talk before I go to work. She called me and we talked for an hour. Laughed and joked around like old times. It felt so natural. She said seh was afraid to talk to me because she thought I didn't want to talk to her. She said she's not over me at all and that she did't want to break up in the first place but couldn't handle the way I was treating her at the time. She kept asking questions about if we started over would it be better. I told her I thought so and that I'd learned a lot about myself. She asked what and I told her and told her how much I regretted the way I treated her and the way I drove her away. She said she was really sorry and that she didn't make it any easier on me. She admitted to being a b!tch to me. She said she's not sure about being in a relationship right now and I told her I wasn't ready right this moment either. I told her I'm still tryign to get myself together and she said she was doign the same. She told me she had turned down a few guys and that she wasn't anywhere close to being over me. She said serveral times how much she missed me. She asked if I still loved her and I told her I didn't think I should answer that question. She asked what if she still feels that way for me and I said that she would have to be honest about it to me. She kept asking me if I was dating anyone or interested in anyone. She asked me if I'd slept with anyone or done anything. I was honest and told her I don't believe in one night stands or meaningless sex. She said she'd kept her legs closed. She told me she wasn't interrested in anyone and I took her word for it. I asked her out to lunch for her birthday (Apr 6) and she said yes and couldn't contain her excitement. She kept going on and on about it. We're not back together and I don't know that we will be but I think its atleast something. I was very clear to her that I can't be "just friends" with her and that I am still interrested in her. She seemed interrested in planning other "dates" with me as well and we're going to drive to the mountains on Friday the 18th together. I don't know where to go from here. I told her we could be friends for now and see where it goes, but that I'm not interrested in being "just friends" and won't settle for the friends slot.

I'm trying not to have expectations. I know I could be in for a world more hurt and disappointment. I'm trying to just see what happens. Like I said I'm trying to be cautious and not get my hopes up. Please give me your thoughts on it.

SJB1701E

Sex... you are dead on about the reasons to not let myself get drawn into sex with her. Are men, such as I, really so weak as to not be able to turn down sex? I think not. I won't put myself in a position where "one thing leads to another" and if she flat out says she want to, I will politely decline and hope she can't see the reaction from my crotch. I think this would shock her more than anything should this senario come up. More than likely she wouldn't flat out say that is what she wants. It would be more of a "one thing leading to another" situation if sex came into play. I won't put myself in that position, especially since alcohol will be involved as it is her 21st birthday. I won't be drinking much as I have to drive, but I'm sure she will be. I will keep the date short, like say an hour or so, and avoid compromising situations.


My intentions are to just be myself and have fun. My fear is arguing about the past. I've been tempted a few times to say something sarcastic or mean, but I bit my tounge. I know there is still hurt on both sides. My goal is to simply break the cycle of hurt. I am tryign to come to peace with myself in all this. Maybe this is too soon. But its happening now so I need to do my best to not let the demons of the past ruin what we could start now. I'll do my best to be compassionate and change the subject.

I think you are right about sex. This was actually my main concern with it. The confusion and emotional attatchment that would come. I don't want to start a new relationship like that. I don't want to use sex to get her attatched to me again. I don't want to risk getting attatched to her right now. It may or may not come up, but I'll try to not put myself in a position where sex would become likely.




Tal, as usual, you are spot on. She knows all the right things to get me eating out of the palm of her hand. She's definately in the driver's seat and that is what scares me. I'll try to keep my mouth shut about relationship talk. like you said she's courting me. (I thought I was the only one that still used the term courting) I'll try to keep my ears open and not think with the wrong part of myself. She's definately in the lead on this one so I'll try not to delude myself into thinking I'm in control. I can barely even control myself in this. I could be wrong, but I think I need to make her work for my attention and affection. Not give it so easily to her. But she's in control as you said and she definately knows how to pull my strings like a puppet master to a puppet.

5 hours til... I am trying to relax. I'll be fine when I get there, but anticipation is weighing heavily on my mind. I hop eall goes well. Keep telling myself no expectations, be kind, don't bring up the past, don't argue with her, if she brings up the past just listen, be myself, and have fun. Easier said than done, but I feel I have handled myself well so far. The real test will be seeing her in person. I'll be alright. I'll be sure to let you all know how it goes. I don't expect to get any conclusions about "us" from one date. Talked to emopunk a while back and he said he just listened to his girl and hung out for like a month before getting back together. I'm not putting a strict time table up or anything. I know this is thinking ahead, but I won't let her string me along forever though. If it reaches a point down the road where I feel I am being moved to "just a friend" I'll end it and go back to NC. I know thats far away (weeks... months...) so I'm just gonna try and live it the now. Live in the moment and have fun. I will let you all know how it goes. I have good feelings about this. I just gotta be my happy self. Wish me luck.

talaniman

Have a great time, and make sure she does too. Easy on the after shave. Dress to impress! (Why am I so nervous?)

SJB1701E

As expected, did some smart things... did some stupid things.... mostly went well. I handled myself well until I realized I had drank more than intended. Neither one of us got drunk, but there was definately a buzz. Lunch went really well for the most part. Kinda some awkward silence here and there, but mostly laughing and having a good time. she brought up the past repetedly during our 3 1/2 hour get together. I expressed a little too much of my feelings to her. At one point while well into the buzz I flat out told her I still loved her. She responded the same. I told her my intentions with her. To date her and then start a new relationship where we learn from the past mistakes. I also had to clarify for her that it was all or nothing with me. I told her we either start moving towards a new relationship, or we get out of each others' lives. I told her I didn't want her to see me as weak for still having feelings for her. She told me she still had a lot of fealings for me, but just wants to see where it goes and have fun for right now. That was the bad parts. I think I said to much, but I tried my best not to pressure her. I told her that I was a fool to push her away the first time and the last thing I want to do right now is push her away again. I told her I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now, but that I would want to date her right now. She didn't object and we do have another date planned. Sex came up after I made a move I'm not sure I should have made. We we walking to my car, still a little buzzed, after lunch and she started moving to the passenger side and I followed. I grabbed her, took her in my arms, and kissed her passionately. She didn't push me away and kissed back with a lot of passion. we broke the kiss and with my head still close to hers, I said to her "Happy birthday..." I then broke the embrace, turned, and went to my side of the car as if nothing happened. We get in and she grabs me and kisses me deeply. We kissed and made out in the car for about 10 minutes. Then she kept saying "What is this?" "What are we doing?". On te drive towards her house, she grabbed me and kissed me at every red light. She then asked if I needed to go home and I said, i could hang out a little longer. We decided to go to Target and walk off the rest of the buzz. (Anyone here wanna lecture me on driving buzzed.. I know it was stupid, but we both decided it would be best not to wait in the parkinglot, "before this goes any further". It wouldn't have been the first time we let things go too far in a public place.) On the way, she mentioned she was tempted to go home and make love to me, but I told her she can't have that unless I get what I want i.e. her heart. Well we walked aroud Target and this is where the big relationship talks started coming in. We were very touchy feely and acted like a couple. She kept hugging me and kissing me even after we had both sobered up. She held my hand and put her arm around me like we were a couple again. When she hugged me she didn't want to let go, and I found myself kissing the top of her head like I used to. She kept listing all the things she missed about us, but expressed real concern over some of our past problems, to which I gave heartfelt answers. I tried my best not to use logic on her. And the relationship talk was frequently broken up by fun and laughter. I went a little too far in my teasing once pointing out that she had a few grey hairs. (at 21 years old... I'm a year older and I have greys as well) This upset her more than I intended, I grabbed her, gently guided her face to look into my eyes, and told her she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seem and that I never intended to hurt her feelings. She pulled me down for another kiss after I said this, and it was a very loving and tender kiss. I told her I dont expect her to come running back into my arms after one date, but admitted theree was a part of me that wished she would. I also told her that the other part of me knows if that happened, we would fall right back into the same probelms we had before. I told her I didn't want to have the demons of the past to ruin what we could build together. I said I want to learn from those mistakes. We talked about things, and I tried to let her lead, but found myself telling her what my feelings were. I also said I was ok if she never returned my feelings, but that we would have to move on away from each other. Its too early for us to tell right now and I told her that. She admitted that we could never be just friends because there is "more there". By the end of the date, she was refering to the breakup as a "rough patch" and saying, "If we're meant to be, then we will be." I took her back to her parents place and she kissed me a few more times on the way. We got to her house and her dad was in the front lawn, so we didn't hug or kiss good bye, because she is sensitive about PDA in front of them and I'm sure she didn't want to give them the impression we're back together right now. I said, "I really wish I could kiss you again before you go in, but I know your dad's watching." She replied, "well we're going to see eachother again soon." We had talked earlier about some of the things we were each mad at each other for, so before she left, I put my hand on hers and she looked at me in the eye and I told her, "I forgive you for everything you did that hurt me," and she looked back and replied, "I forgive you too, Steven." We briefly confirmed our next plans together and said goodbye. I've got a lot of emotions stirred up right now. I know we're not close to being back together yet, but there is definately still physical, mental, and emotional chemistry between us. I tried to keep things happy and fun, but serious stuff did come up. We both did have a lot of fun though. I think I scored more points than I lost this round. She's definately hesitant and I think it has to do with 2 things: shes still got a lot of hurt and is afraid to risk it again; and this is the first time she been single in over 2 1/2 years and is learning about herself again. The latter is the spoken version, the former is my observations. More than likely its reasons I can't even begin to imagine, but I'm sure there is truth in all of it. Anyways, thoughts? critisizms? help?

JBeaucaire

Well, for a first date, that reads more like 4 months worth...sheesh! Making out like little kiddies and exchanging "i love you"s is NOT a first date. (chuckles away)

At least you didn't sleep with her (*faints*). With all that commotion you almost might's'well (not really).

Dude, you are killing me. It's clear you only have a FRACTION of the self-control you're attributing to yourself. Taking it slow is the exact opposite of the story I just read, LOL.

OK, well, I guess you're gonna do what you're gonna do, just don't say we didn't try to slow you down for almost two weeks...(hangs head in chagrin).

confused25

Alright, well I'll be honest here, this is new ground for me since I've never had a chance to reconcile with an ex. However, I'm here with you so your experience is mine as well and I'll do my best to offer advice along the way.

So I think your biggest problem is that you talk too much about touch-feely stuff. Ask yourself, would you do that on a first date? If the answer is no (I hope it is) than what would you do on a first date? The answer varies, but for the most part you make her laugh, show her a good time, and ask her questions about her life. Face it, in most good dates the woman does most of the talking while the guy just listens and follows up with related questions (at least this is my experience).

In other words, stop bringing up your feelings and desires. She already knows where you stand. She is fully aware that you love her, you're very much interested in a relationship, and you will not settle for a friendship. As a result there is no need to keep reminding her. Fortunately I don't think you made any grievous mistakes that will destroy the path your on. Honestly, she is part at fault for also brining up her feelings. However, it is up to you to set the tone. There is nothing wrong with cuddling, kissing, holding each other and all that stuff but just remember that you two are back in the dating phase. Have fun and learn about one another.

SJB1701E

I blame the I love you (it was only one) on my drinking... or at least if she brings it up I will. Making out like little kiddies... well thats not out of the norm for us. We were doing that before we started dating the first time. I'm in no way endorsing this as a way to start a relationship with someone, but its the way it happened. I lost all self control and I'm beating myself up for the way I handled things. I didn't do any permenate damage, but I still am mad at myself for not having the self control I thought I had. I said the test would be seeing her in person and I guess it really was. It showed me just how easily I let myself be a sucker for her. At least we didn't progress to sex. I think we both would have regretted it. But the thought did cross our minds a few times. I certainly don't have the self control I attributed to myself though. And no I didn't take it slow like I wanted. The relationship talk was instigated by her, but I told her more than I wanted to. I put my heart on my sleeve and thats the last place I wanted it. The relationship talk on her part mostly consisted of extremely probing questions about my feelings. And i wasn't in much condition (alcohol or no) to hide my feelings. I didn't pour my heart out to her, but I certainly said more than I wanted to. But she knows how to.... pull my strings. I lost my self control. Please keep drilling in my head to slow down before my next date. I gotta do better next time in order to earn myself some selfrespect, because I certainly don't have any respect for myself the way I handled things today.




C25, I really hope this doesn't turn into a "what not to do" thread. This is really new territory for me too. To be honest I've never even desired to reconcile with an ex before this one. I tried to keep the talk fun, but she asked some really probing questions and it was hard to get the cork back in once I started pouring my feelings to her. I didn't pour my heart out, but I said more than I should. To be honest the talk about what went wrong brought me down and it was hard to bring myself back up. I basically switched into A.D.D. mode and when I started to feel the relationship talk was getting beyond my ability to handle, I'd completely change the subject and say or do something that would make us burst into laughter. I was mostly fun, but the relationship talk was not the most fun thing in the world. On the bright side, there wasn't much relationship talk on the drive to Target. It was mostly her eyeing me like a piece of meat and agressively grabbing and kissing me every chance she got. Not exactly slow, but better than relationship talk lol. As far as questions about her life, I was met with short sentences. Basically she doesn't have much of a life. She switched to working closing shift at work so she wouldn't have to sit at home by herself so much after the break up. She wasn't forthcoming with what all she's been up to other than working. She's out of the ordinary I suppose in that she never was much of a talker. But we did quite a bit of joking and laughing with each other. We did more joking around than relationship talk. You are dead right that I need to shut my mouth about my feelings and desires. She was asking very specific questions about them. It's only going to annoy her if I repeat myself over and over. I guess I showed myself what I still need to work on.

I have just under 2 weeks till the next date. I'm to try and keep only light contact till then so that I'm not pouring my feelings out to her. I won't let it progress physically past what we've already established today. And I am going to let her take the lead with this. She can initiate it. I'm just going to set myself personal boundries. Next date is all about fun. I'm (hopefully) not going to let the relationship talk go on too much. If she does talk about it, I'll try to handle it better.

It just occured to me the conversation that lead to the "I love you"s, not that it matters a whole lot. We were driving and the relationship came up breifly. And we were talking about how we both made some mistakes and pushed each other apart. I told her that I was lashing out at her and blaming her for my depression and self hatred of the time and that it was wrong of me. I told her it got to the point where I spent about a 2 month period 6 months before the actual break up thinking about leaving her because I wasn't able to deal with my own emotional problems. She started to get upset upon hearing this and i said, "but I didn't, because it wasn't your fault I was feeling the way I was feeling and I couldn't leave you because I loved you too much.... hell I still love you...." to which she replied "I love you too." "Don't say that just because I said it," I said with a tinge of anger. She quickly backed up her declaration with, "I'm not just saying that. Theres a reason I haven't gotten over you." "Yeah, but that doesn't matter, since your not in love with me anymore." I came back still feeling angry but my voice coming out more sorrowful. "I can't answer that right now," she said. "It wasn't a question," I said. "I still can't respond to it..." she replied. Then I said, "For men, at least the ones I know, love is different. There isn't a distenction between 'loving' and 'being in love with' someone. Men either love or they do not. And it takes men a lot longer to get over lost love than it does women because it takes men longer to develope those feelings in the first place." She said, "Being in love means that you need to be around that person all the time and can't be without them." I wanted to say to her, "No, thats called codependancy," but instead I just sat quitely for a few moments and then returned to lighter conversation, laughing and joking. I will again stress, the above was not what the majority of the date consisted of. It was MOSTLY having fun.

I wasn't emotionally ready for this. I really wasn't ready for this. But it's here before me. I've already committed to this path. I just know if it doesn't work out, I'm going to be crushed 10 times worse than the first time. I'm not ready for this, but i put myself in this position and I need to see it though no matter what the outcome. What have I gotten myself into?

confused25

Calm down my friend. Trust me, you can handle this. On top of that, we're all here to help you through it.

What I tell a lot of people when they first begin dating someone is to not care what happens. When they worry too much about the situation they forget to have fun and then things go to waste. Worst of all, if things don't work out they become devastated. As a result, they should simply not care what happens, and when they do things work out well, even if the outcome is without the other person.

I know this is harder for you because you two have a past but you need to go into this with a "whatever happens, happens" attitude. Remember what I said about second chances? Most of us never get them, but if we ever come across one we should seize it and not let it go to waste. Listen, just kick back and have fun! Don't make this girl a priority in your life. On top of that, take charge of the situation. If she asks probing questions about how you feel just politely tell her "Hey we've already talked about this, lets not center our time together on the same subject" or try telling her "You know, I'm sure everything will become more clear with time. For now lets have some fun doing other things."

You mentioned that there were only a few times during the date where things got touch-feely. That's good, now just work towards shrinking that number to zero. You're right, don't wear your heart on your sleeve because you should be making her wonder how you feel about her. Be a mystery! See how it's like dating all over again?

One other thing, I don't want to hear you blaming things on alcohol anymore. If you can't handle yourself around her when you drink than the solution is not to drink. Take her some place that doesn't involve the need to drink. How about miniature golf, a coffee shop, ice skating, museum, movie, art gallery, bowling, or the hundreds of other things you can do.

Bottom line: Don't care what happens and just have fun.

SJB1701E

Alcohol is an excuse. I know I'm responsible for my own actions, but I guess its easier to blame the alcohol. The truth is I wasn't ready for this emotionally. Plain and simple. It's hard for me to not care what happens because I already do have strong feelings for her. I don't want to blow my second chance. Like you said, confused25, second chances are rare, and they should be seized. I thought I had that "what ever happens, happens" attitude but it almost fell apart actually seeing her. But I think I can learn from it now that I'm past the initial shock. i know what to expect a little better. And you are right, I've already made all my feelings and intentions clear, there is no reason for me to tell her again, even if she asks. I'm not in a calm state right now, and that scares me. That she can make me like this. I've really got too much of myself riding on the outcome of this, and I AM going to make the same mistakes again. I'm already setting myself up to rebuild my world around her. Have I learned nothing? One date and I want her to be the center of my universe again. I'm still working on that making myself the center of my universe part. I think right now I just have a lot of stirred up emotions and I need to let them settle. I know now what to expect as far as my feelings go next time I see her. I can concentrate on having fun (or at least try). I'm in such a freaking hurry to get back to being in a relationship, I'm going to ruin my chance, and miss out on the potentially fun trip along the way. I should be enjoying this, not trying to force it to the next step. I couldn't have gotten this far without all you guys, esp. confused25 and Tal. You guys are being my voice of reason through all this, because I can't stop thinking with my heart. Not that its your burden, but try not to let me do anything so stupid that I ruin this. If you were actually here, I'd tell you to smack me. I know you can't be here to physically stop me from doing anything stupid, but I really wish you were. Like I said, I'm going to keep light contact between now and the next date so I can let my emotions settle and better prepare myself for the next encounter. The next one is a day trip so we're probably going to be together a good 7-8 hours. Maybe not the best idea, but it should be fun, so long as I keep it fun. We're going to the Aquarium up in the mountains about an hour and a half from home. Its her favorite date place for us to go and it was her idea so I went along with it. It's kind of a romantic setting and theres nothing but good memories from our trips there. Thanks again everyone.

confused25

Sorry dude, alcohol is not an excuse anymore. This may be harsh, but you know how you act around her when you drink so your best option is not to drink when you are with her. There are no if's, and's, or but's, just don't do it.

Secondly, I know this is tough and I can tell from the tone in your posts that you are shaken up, but you can get through this. Remember when you didn't think you would get through the first break up? Well you did and now you are a stronger person because of it. You may not think that right now, but trust me I can tell.

Also, I'm glad that you notice you are putting to much emphasis on this girl. You don't want to rebuild your world around her and as long as you remind yourself of that you won't. Remember, have confidence in yourself. There is a reason this girl has feelings for you and it's because you are an awesome guy. Remember that.

Moreover, you have the right idea about keeping contact light until the next date, now do your best to stick by that. Keep yourself busy so that way when she calls you can't pick up. Enjoy life doing fun things that way you can't call her back right away. Be mysterious and make her wonder what you're up to.

As for the actual date, I think its a good location. But lets talk about that two days before it actually happens. For now, take a deep breath and be proud that you got through the day. Do something fun and stop worrying about this, the universe will take care of itself.

SJB1701E

confused25, I really need to spread some rep around, because I want to give you rep on every single post you've put on my thread, but it won't let me. hahaha Seriously, you're advice is awesome and really helps me take a step back and look at myself. I have the joy of school and work for the next 4 days, so no fun there, but it will still keep me busy. I'll get out of the house and hang out with the guys on Friday. Have some man time to grunt, scratch, fight, and be damn manly, lol. Get my mind off my feelings and have some fun. I don't believe they have alcohol at the aquarium being as it is a family place, so I should be good about the not drinking part. I need to cut back on drinking anyways as I have really picked up the habit again way too much lately. I'll worry about the next date when we get closer to it.

Also, maybe kissing her wasn't such a bad thing. It certainly got her wanting more, and it showed me there is definately still chemistry there. More importantly, it proved to her my point about not being able to ever be just friends, since after that she readily made that declaration herself. Theres still a spark there, with a little luck and some kindling, it could start the flame again. I didn't give her everything she wanted, and I certainly teased her with it. Kept it fun, playful, and exciting. She definately wanted more. But, I can and will stick to my guns about no sex unless we get into a stable relationship.

Oh and this might be thread hijacking, but its my own thread. Any guys decided to grow their beard out after getting dumped? I did since she never "let me" while we were together and now that its grown out, softened up, and groomed, she says she likes it. Wow, I'm being random. Thanks a bunch again confused25 and everyone else.