breakup or not?
Asked Jul 4, 2012, 07:09 PM
Iíll try and keep this post summarized and fill in details if I get responses that need clarification. Ive been with my girlfriend for 4 years. Im 31 and she just turned 33. She has 2 kids from a previous marriage who I have grown to love as my own. The reason for this post is that we continue to fight over the same things constantly and nothing seems to change. I keep telling myself things will get better over time, but my family is to a point where they see me unhappy with the constant battles and feel that she does not accept me for who I am. Im not quite sure Im ready to give up, but am really starting to question things.
Here are the things that have been constant sources of pain for us.
1) Living situation Ė we currently live in separate homes. I have reluctantly suggested that she and the kids move in with me as she is doing poorly and struggling financially. I admit my suggestion was from an economical standpoint and this upset her. She felt that if I had said move in because I want you to than she would have. Because of this I have been spending over $500/month on average to help her with her bills while we get to a better place and are ready to move in. In the meantime, she recently moved in with her parents because she wasnít able to afford her place anymore. She puts a lot of this blame on me saying that she doesnít want someone to rescue her, but I could have.
2) Commitment/Marriage Ė we are in a serious relationship but she feels like I am not committed. She will say I havenít proposed because I donít want to spend my life with her and thatís the only reason. I constanstly tell her that I do see my life with her, but I want to see us in a better place prior to getting married. Is that so unreasonable to want to feel like she accepts me for who I am before getting married? Despite this she is pushing marriage hard at this point and I feel like Im close to getting an ultimatum.
3) Sex Ė she is the type of girl who wants sex multiple times per day, whereas I am more of an every other day type person. She constantly tells me how other men (her friends husbands and boyfriends) are so much different and because of this I must not be attracted to her. From my point of view, a big part of this is that with her kids at home, we have a limited window at night to have sex before Im completely exhausted. She doesnít work a normal schedule and doesnít need as much sleep as I do and so she feels like im being selfish AND feels like im not attracted to her if I just go to bed or occasionally say I donít feel like it tonight. This is an area where I feel really bad that its affected her so much and have tried to explain this difference between us without success.
4) Independence Ė I have gladly given up a lot of things that I enjoy doing to spend time with my girlfriend. I used to go snowboarding all the time in the winter. I used to go to the gym at least 3 times a week. Now doing these things, even only occasionally, causes constant fights for us. I do work a pretty intense job that requires long hours every now and again so I kind of understand her on this, but itís a bit extreme to most people I talk to. I should also mention that the gym is a sore subject because at one point we tried going together, but she thought I looked at another girl and freaked out on me and the gym has been almost completely banned.
5) Her insecurities Ė I have a boat that does not get use because she hates to be out on it when there might be other girls in bikinis around. This is similar to her issues with the gym as she doesnít like the fact that other girls wearing sports bras might be there. Action movies or R rate movies have to be carefully screened before watching because there might be a sex scene or nudity. I have told her I donít watch nor seek out movies for this reason but she absolutely hates the fact that I might see someone who she thinks I would lust for.
I guess with this post Im looking for peoples thoughts as to whether we are fighting over normal things here. If she is being overly sensitive or controlling? Am I a completely clueless guy or is my unhappiness with this situation justified? She tells me that marriage and stronger commitment would get rid of a lot of her insecurities but to me marriage is not to be taken lightly and a relationship should be in a better place to even be an option. What are your thoughts?