Suggestions / Avice ?

4answers · #1 Dec 19, 2006, 04:39 AM

Hi Guys for those following my story, I am having great difficulty putting the past relationship behind me. I have done no contact, but I cannot come to terms with the issues of the past relationship !!!

I just cannot seem to accept that a person can be the way she is and just give up on a relationship. I know I should not think about things, but I am finding it very hard

Any suggestions / advice ?

NeedKarma · Dec 19, 2006, 04:44 AM

Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you? Isn't a mutual relationship someone you'd want?

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 19, 2006, 04:46 AM

Moved this from the other thread that you replied in as this relates to your new thread.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

I have tried to talk to the girl about this to try to understand her but she will not discuss this. She is saying that I am viewing her past as something shamfull and disgusting, which is true, I view it that she allowed a stranger (in this case) to use her for his own sexual pleasure, and that disgusts me, when I cared about her.

My point is, is that this girl happilly undertakes in this behavour but then is not honest about it. ie if you sleep around and have one night stands, then as long as your open about it to your partner, not a problem. But to pretend your something your not is not good.

So you also need to consider the after affects of this type of behaviour !

Sorry if I sound a little bitter, but I am having diffuculty coming to terms with this and I was her new boyfriend !! How will your new girlfriend view this ?

You are getting caught up too much 4answers in her past. Does this have anything to do with what you are supposed to be achieving regrading your anger problems. U don't mean that in a patronising way since I have followed you threads and only want to help you like you have helped me.

Yes, what she did was promiscuous, but remember was it her past. They do say that past behavior is a good indication of future behavior but this is not always true. If you loved her like you indicate you do, then maybe it would have been best to give her the benefit of the doubt. Had she really given you any indication that she wanted to do this kind of thing again, especially while being in a relationship with you?

Remember that sometimes our own judgment of other peoples actions and behavior can sometimes be a reflection of our own insecurities.

Past is past which ever way you cut it>>>>>YOU CANNOT CHANGE IT

What action have you taken to approach you anger problems?

4answers · Dec 19, 2006, 04:56 AM

Thank you. Yes I am caught up in her past, for some reason I cant let it go. I guess i cannot forgive, accept or forget that which I do not understand ! Just my nature..

I guess I wish her past was not there, I feel robbed of a future by her past and she does not seem bothered ! Not evan speaking... Like I am in the wrong!

Sorry guys, bit screwed up over this...lol.

I am on a waiting list for anger classes.. My anger is not of a violent type, I just could not accept or understand the situation I found my self in and I could not handle her closed off responce. Total not prepared for it !

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 19, 2006, 05:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

Thank you. Yes I am caught up in her past, for some reason I cant let it go. I guess i cannot forgive, accept or forget that which I do not understand ! Just my nature..

You must let go of the past, especially her past, because hers has nothing to do with you or any future you have with her or anyone else for that matter.

Also, she should not need your forgiveness for something she did that was in her past that did not involve you as she was not in a relationship with you.

4answers, I will give you an example related to my own situation. You know me and my ex are broke up after 3 years together. I know this because you have responded to me and helped me also. If my ex were now to go with any other man and do what she wants, it has nothing to do with me, nothing whatsoever, however much it hurts me, she is free to do what she likes. If (a very big if) at any point in the future, me and her were to get back together, what she did during the time apart is the past and also bears no significance of who she was as a person since it would have happened during a time where there was no relationship. I'm just using this as an example of what I mean by not holding on and condemning someone for their past when it really has nothing to do with you and your future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

I guess I wish her past was not there

Well, it is there and you cannot erase it but you don't have to live your life by it..The future is what matters..

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

I feel robbed of a future by her past and she does not seem bothered !

Why does her past rob you of a future? she should not be expected to feel guilty for anything..She has done nothing to you, she has not cheated, o.k she lied about what happened but maybe she felt ashamed to tell you. This is all in your head and you need to deal with these issues yourself. It is not for her to help you understand why you feel so against her past and to be quite honest, I am not surprised she is angry with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

Sorry guys, bit screwed up over this...lol.

No need to be sorry mate, you have given a lot of others some good advice and put a lot of valuable points together in the past.. Thats what AMHD is for..

Quote:

Originally Posted by 4answers

I am on a waiting list for anger classes.. My anger is not of a violent type, I just could not accept or understand the situation I found my self in and I could not handle her closed off responce. Total not prepared for it !

Excellent, this is what I was talking about..Focus on you and your anger problems because until you do this, you will not be happy in any relationship and the truth is, you will live an unhappy life when you are consumed with anger and resentment.

You will be fine, I guarantee it, as long as you follow the correct path!!

jrussole · Dec 19, 2006, 05:22 AM

Huh? I am lost here. Anger issues? I haven't seen anything to refer to anger. I feel out of the loop or something. Anyway, 4answers if her past bothers you so much, and its not something that you can forgive, than forget her. If its something you can forgive you need to let her know. If she dosn't care, than you will get your answer and can move on.

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 19, 2006, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrussole

Huh? I am lost here. Anger issues? I haven't seen anything to refer to anger. I feel out of the loop or something. Anyway, 4answers if her past bothers you so much, and its not something that you can forgive, than forget her. If its something you can forgive you need to let her know. If she dosn't care, than you will get your answer and can move on.

You need to read his previous threads to understand what the history is.

jrussole · Dec 19, 2006, 05:59 AM

Sounds like way too much history for me! Can I reneg?

Geoffersonairplane · Dec 19, 2006, 06:51 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jrussole

Sounds like way too much history for me! Can I reneg?

reneg??

what's that..

Sorry if I sound obtuse but I don't understand the word or abbreviation.

SouthernBelle06 · Dec 19, 2006, 09:28 AM

By "reneg", I believe the poster means, "Can I take it back?" or "Can I change my mind?" I have heard this term before.



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