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Boyfriend watches porn.. I'm hurt.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months now. We have had a great relationship. We are expecting a new baby in October. A few months ago I found out he's been watching porn. Looking at answers from previous posts about this topic is pretty touchy and happens more than I thought, so I'm not alone thank god. Anyway, he hasn't been getting off when we have sex. I ask him about it and he says it's because of his addiction to pills. He's been trying to stop taking pills but keeps withdrawing. I don't know if it's porn or the pills. I must admit after all this I really don't know how to feel about him. I have talked to him before about it, and he goes right back to it.. I don't know how to feel about myself anymore. I don't know if he even likes having sex with me anymore. And it's gotten to the point where I don't want to have sex with him because I either think he's not enjoying it or he thinks about the women on the porn he watches. I love him but this hurts. I don't deserve to feel this way. I feel unappreciated and inadequate.
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So, you went and got pregnant out of marriage? Now the creep is watching porn. Sorry, but you have made a bad situation out of things. Get out, get rid of the bum. You are going to get a lot of people tell you porn is healthy, is natural, etc,etc,etc. Porn is the number one addiction on the internet. There is literally thousands of porn sites on the net offering anything a person would want. Unless he is willing to get professional help for his addiction it will probably only get worse. And your choices will get fewer and fewer. |
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I know the timing is really lousy for all of this to happen, but don't take his issues personally, its not really about you or the new baby coming but how he copes with his stresses and life, and if he is addicted to pills, or even porn, these are his personal issues to deal with, and may need some help doing it. Focus on having a healthy child and try to lead him to get some help with his issues. Start with a doctor, and be honest about what's going on. Just remember, you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to do so don't push to hard, but firmly, and if he can't help himself, then YOU must get your own help for yourself without him. That means a good support system of family and good friends you can count on. YOUR doctor can recommend you some counseling and classes to help you through this. |
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Thank god for you guys that actually answer these questions on here. I am lost. I'm so hurt to the point I want to actually leave him. I've talked to him before about this and he knows how much it hurts me. So why does he keep doing it? If it was me doing all this I would stop if I knew it hurt the person I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. Why is it so hard for him to stop? Is he addicted?
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Its really hard to explain to people who have no addictions, or abuse problems, what goes through an addicts mind, but if you Google it, (addiction) or read some of the Alanon literature, you can learn what your dealing with. You may be experiencing only the symptoms of a greater problem that needs addressing. |
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I actually think that you have a much larger issue here than the porn. How frequently does this happen? From what you are describing, it seems that the issue is a lack of trust, security, and respect in your relationship. I actually don't have an issue with porn, but I would have a major problem if it were making me uncomfortable and I asked my husband to stop and he continued. It indicates that he doesn't respect your feelings.
You have indicated that he is abusing medication which is a FAR GREATER ISSUE. The timing here is bad... I can understand you not wanting to be without your partner while you are pregnant, but your baby has the right to a safe, stable, and secure home environment, not a life with an addict. Is he worth the potential danger to your child? Do you want your child to form their image of relationships by the way they see their father treat you? I truly do know how difficult this situation is to walk away from (and private message me if you want the details) but relationships get more difficult once you have children. The bottom line for me is always, Do you love this man and this relationship more than you love your child? Does he come before your baby? If the answer is no, you need to protect your health and emotional well being so you can do the same for your baby once he/she arrives. Good Luck! |
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Hello again guys! Thanks for the answers. Yes kcom, I think I am definitely being disrespected. I have asked him plenty of times to stop.. We did actually talk about it quite a bit the other night, I told him I was going to leave him. He said give him some time. Which I want to do because I love him very much, but I don't need to be in a relationship like that if he continues to do what he does. As for the pills, he has had surgery on his shoulder and gets an epideral in his shoulder and back every 90 days. He is actually still in a lot of pain. He doesn't get the pills perscribed but he is trying to withdraw from them. And he doesn't abuse them or take too many. We actually already have children. I have 3 and he has 1. He's a great dad. I don't know what this relationship has in store for us but hopefully we can work things out and this'll just be a bump in the road. Just got to look past it all and try to become better.
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He doesn't get the pills prescribed but he is trying to withdraw from them.
I remember telling you before that what he does is stress relief, but as long as you continuing taking this as a personal affront to your needs, you will never see what's at the root cause of his behavior, nor address the problem. You will only make things worse. Constant pain, will screw any ones head up, and it sounds serious if he has epiderals every 90 days. Add to that pain killers that are not subscribed or over the counter, hey sounds like a problem to me!! I would say sex is the least of your worries, his returning to good health is. What was the nature of his injury?? |
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Yes painkillers. And he takes a normal dose. Well he says. He doesn't take them to get any sort of high.. He's just in a lot of pain. As for his epideral he hasn't gotten it yet but when he does, he says he wants to be completely off all pills. He has 2 dislocated disks in his back which can be very painful.Also, he broke his shoulder falling off a roof at work. Anyway, I am still talking to him about the porn issue and he says he has stopped. But how do I believe him? The only way I knew he was in the first place was looking through his phone. And it's not that I was even looking. At the time we didn't have internet at home so I used his phone to get online and saw it was recent. Things have gotten a little better at home. We had sex the other day. It was great. But I just don't know if I'm enough for him anymore. I don't feel beautiful to him anymore. I don't feel like I please him.
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I am so tempted to bluntly and harshly tell you to get over yourself, because you are making this about you, and your needs, and seem to put them above his healing. You would be surprised at how hard it is to focus on sex, when you are full of pain. Been there done that! Thanks for making me see what a wonderful partner I have who helped me regain my health, without putting me through what you are putting him through. I asked her how she got through all my injuries, and illnesses, and what she said to me was she was to scared of losing me she didn't care about what I couldn't do. I think at some point you realize that you control your own libido, and not let it control you and make you get carried away by what you don't get, and maybe appreciate what you do have, and make the most of what has to be a rough situation. When you make it about your own fears, you miss the whole point of doing what it takes to help resolve things through caring and sharing, which has nothing to do with sex. Keep talking, thats the only way to build, resolve, or change anything. And be patient with your partner. And quit being such a big scaredy cat why don't you! |
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First of all, he is still taking pills. He feels fine when he takes them. He's probably in a little pain but it's bearable. When he starts trying to heal, things'll be different but that's when he starts NOT TAKING THE PILLS! I am a very great partner. I have unconditional love for this man. You don't know me, you just know my blogs, so don't act like you know anything about us. I am not the one to care about my needs at all. I put everyone's else's needs before mine. Like I said until I see change, change can wait. I don't want my man getting off to porn. That's the problem.
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If I had two damaged back discs and an injured shoulder from falling off a roof would I be as enthusiastic about sex as usual? I very much doubt it. If I found masturbating a way of feeling better, or distracting myself, would I be doing so? Yes. And if it was my husband I'd be offering to give him a hand - you can take that quite literally - might well be hard work with a shoulder injury. Yes, I'm female. Why does him looking at porn make you feel unappreciated and unattractive? I can understand people having moral objections to porn. I can understand people disliking porn. I personally find it rather tacky and rarely erotic - but each to their own. However, if porn makes you feel unattractive and unappreciated then you have to start asking yourself why. That sounds like it is more about your own self-esteem. You 'don't deserve to feel this way' but you say you don't care about your own needs and put everyone else's before your own. Sorry but that all reeks of low self-esteem. You should care about your own needs, as well as trying to understand those of your partner. Life is not about putting everyone else first and then bemoaning the fact that they don't put you on a pedestal. It is about acknowledging what you yourself need or want and trying to balance that with what other people also need or want. You really need to work on this. Your feelings about the porn are just part of a much bigger picture. |
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 Originally Posted by jessica867
When he starts trying to heal, things'll be different
You don't know me
I don't want my man getting off to porn.
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Look at it this way... with a messed up shoulder its going to be very painful for him to get on top... and with a messed up back its likely to be painful to him if YOU got on top... And unless he has S&M tendencies... pain has a powerful effect on suppressing libido and keeping the noodle soft. |
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