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My boyfriend wants to take a week to decide if he wants to be in the relationship
My boyfriend of a little over 2 years has decided he wants at least a week without talking to me to decide if he wants to be in the relationship or not. We had a big fight and he told me this. I have called and talked to him a few times about pertinent stuff in our lives but then I start in about he really needs to decide and not leave me hanging. Tonight he said he didnt' know if a week or two would be enough time that it might take months. He also asked if we did break up if we could still remain friends, of course I said no way. For the past month or so he hasn't been interested in sex and I have accused him of cheating but he said he isn't. Tonight I asked him if he had meet another woman and thats why because of a few things he said. He said no but hypothetically if he did what would I do.
Anyway.. I told him he had to give me an answer yes or no by Sat. He said that maybe I be the one to make the decision and I said you aren't putting this all on me now, it was your idea to do this and you need to make the decision. I do miss talking to him as we talked at least once a day, but I can't take this anymore and want a decision from him. Any advice on how to handle this. There of course is a lot more to the relationship issues like him being jealous about my sexual past and us having bad arguments also. I do love him and he says he still loves me. We are both in our 30's and I am 5 years older than him. So any help would be appreciated.
Sorry for your situation. We all appreciate here that it isn't easy and you must be hurting. I think at this time the best thing you can do is dive him the space he has asked for. Don't play his games or let him dictate everything but if he has asked for some time to think then i think it is in your best interests to give it to him.
Asking for a week or two to think about things seems to be a common thing when couples are having trouble. Usually it is hard on the person wanting the relationship to continue (in this case you) and they fail to respect the wishes of their partner. This is understandable to some degree as we desperately want to make sure we dont lose them. So we beg and plead and cling on for dear life.
Well i can tell you that wont work. It only drive them further away. I think you should give him his week to think about it and then arrange a day to come together like adults and talk about things you have mulled over in the week that past.
Although you dont realise it, right now after him dropping this on you, you need this time to think as well. You need to evaluate the whole relationship from things that you dont think you have done well to things you arent happy about with him.
After the designated time apart you should be able to discuss it like two adults.
Even giving him 2 weeks to think and taking this time for yourself is ok. Right now everything is too emotional and things could be said that harm each other that may be avoided by having time to calm.
So i think you should respect his wishes ans give him some time. Of course you should not have to sit around waiting for months but i think going 2 or 3 weeks without any contact and doing some serious thinking is not unreasonable. It may be hard and you will spend a lot of time crying and hurting, but it might just be what you both need to do some clear thinking. It is imperative though that you do respect this time alone and keep it that way.
Calling, text messaging, emails etc will just hinder the process of thinking. So please try and respect his wishes at this time and take advantage of it yourself to really evaluate where your at in life and where you are headed. It might turn out to be the best 3 weeks you ever spent alone. Im sure you will do a lot of thinking!
Space and time will give you the answers you are looking for. I am learning that it is important "to respect the person" otherwise you are making the situation worse. I think it also shatters one's self-esteem. Hang in there! Remember you are WORTH IT!
Take a step back and think about the relationship for yourself, too. Really step back... no calls, no e-mails, nothing. You mention a number of issues in your original post... you need to figure out how serious they are, and see how you can deal with them. Problems don't just magically go away, you have to work through them. But even before that, you have to understand them, and you can't do that without stepping back and really looking at them.
Give him the time he needs. Set up rules for the break: How long out of contact (a month or so would be a good starting point... anything shorter won't get you much perspective), whether dating others is allowed, and so forth.
Don't give people ultimatums on important stuff like this... if you rush him, he's going to make his decision for the wrong reasons, and you'll end up back where you are now pretty quickly.
I am going through the same exact thing my bf of 1 and a half years wants a week to think and im scared he wants to leave me and im even more frightend its a girl but i doubt it.
I am in the same situation with my b/f of 9 months. There was an "attempt" to break up, but we did not, and worked things out. But, now, a month later, he is feeling stressed, confused, depressed... and after seeing his therapist asked if I was willing to take a break. I was unsure of what his intentions were for this break, so I asked him how long he was thinking... he said a week or two. We agreed on a little over a week. Truthfully, and however hard it may be to admit, I need to think as well. I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who does not want to fully be in it with me. So, my advice is yes, take this time to evaluate *honestly* why it is you want this relationship and if it is the best thing for you. I know how I feel now... but after I get all the la ti da good stuff out of my head and think about the so called bad points to the relationship, we'll see where I am. My problem though is I'm a fixer. I have no problem being in a relationship with someone who has issues, ha, multiple issues. I am okay with it... maybe that's just something I need (however sad or good that may be). But, I know in the end I will be true to myself and not cut myself short. Be strong. I plan on painting this week. That usually is the best use of my time when I have something to think about... and not make me a psychopath in the process.
The one thing that I have learned in life experience, as well as in a class when I was in college, is that the person with the lesser interest in the relationship always wins. Basically that means that you cannot force someone to like you/love you. When you constantly bug them with phone calls, texts, emails, etc. you make them run for the hills.
Take this time to spend with your girlfriends and keep yourself busy with other interests. You will find that as time passes, it will get easier. I know that you are not thinking that right now, but believe me it will.
I hate to put salt in the wound, but I have a feeling that he may have found someone else and he is just stringing you along just to see if that one will work out. If it doesn't work out, then he still has you, doesn't he? That is not fair for you. He DOES want his cake and eat it too. Whenever anyone is cheating on the other person, they NEVER admit to it. The fact that he asked you what you would do hypothetically may be his way of deciding whether or not he is going to tell you.
My advice is to lay low and don't contact him in any way. Not even to ask him if he has made a decision. Some men are cowards and they want the girl to make the decision. To me, it sounds like he made his decision by his wanting/needing more time to decide. If it was meant to be, then you will be together. However, it sounds to me that there are major communication problems between the two of you and if those are not resolved, then this relationship will never work.
Whatever happens, I hope that you remain strong and positive. Love hurts sometimes. Sometimes we think we know what love is only to find out that we did not. If this does not work out, let this be a learning experience for you and glean from it what you can.
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