My boyfriend wants to go on a trip with a female friend
Hi everyone,
I have been in an interracial relationship with my boyfriend (I am an Indian and he is Caucasian) for 4 1/2 years now. Due to a family emergency he had to move to a different country and now we are in a long distance. Everything was going great till he told me that he has a long weekend off and that he is
going to travel to another country with a female friend. I have never met this girl and he has known her only for three months or so. This disturbed me a lot and when i objected he started protesting saying that she is just a friend and absolutely nothing is going to happen and stated that i am being prudish about it. I dont know at this point whether it is an indian thing or if any one would object to their other half taking off like that.
Jelly,the situation s causing you distress and rightly so I think.
In any relationship when trust issues happen its difficult to rebuild the trust.
You dont come across as a jealous person but most people in my opinion would think he s crossed the line with this trip.
We are all giving you our take on this here but ultimately what you decide to do about it is of course your choice.
I wrote him a long email expressing all my concerns and why i think that him going on this trip is not acceptable to me. He responded back saying that he was "overwhelmed" by what i have written and said that it was never his intention to hurt me. He said he was really really sorry and regretted booking this holiday. However, what is bothering me is that even after apologizing and regretting his act he never volunteered to cancel his trip.
You got something from him. Now you need to give a little.
Is this trip something really special? If I were in India and got a chance to visit the Taj Mahal I would feel bad about my wife not going but I would go. Or the Smithsonian in the US or Big Ben in the UK, etc.
Here's an idea that has worked for other couples. Set up a mutually convenient time to contact one another so he can share the trip with you since you can't be there.
Catsmine quotes:"Is this trip something really special? If I were in India and got a chance to visit the Taj Mahal I would feel bad about my wife not going but I would go. Or the Smithsonian in the US or Big Ben in the UK, etc."
Yes, but I would rather go alone rather than put my relationship in jeopardy. This may very well be a deal breaker.
He said he was really really sorry and regretted booking this holiday. However, what is bothering me is that even after apologizing and regretting his act he never volunteered to cancel his trip.
After getting this new information, l still don't think the problem is the "new friend". Jelly, you said it yourself, you expressed your concerns, yet he didn't even suggest cancelling the trip.
So his apology is almost mute, because your concern is the fact that he's going on this trip with this new friend. So even after that long conversation, he's still going on this trip. So we're almost back to square one.
He knows that you're uncomfortable with the idea, yet he's still going to do it. That sounds like putting the relationship is jepordy to me. It sounds like it's a much bigger isssue than just this "new friend".
When he comes back from the trip, you're both going to need to sit down and re-evalute the relationship. Express all your concerns to one another and try to work things out one issue at the time. You need to find a mutual understanding and not put up with all this confusion.
Catsmine quotes:"Is this trip something really special? If I were in India and got a chance to visit the Taj Mahal I would feel bad about my wife not going but I would go. Or the Smithsonian in the US or Big Ben in the UK, etc."
Yes, but I would rather go alone rather than put my relationship in jeopardy. This may very well be a deal breaker.
I have been reading this thread for awhile and hesitated to chime in on what I thought were particularly important details. I think this last statement you made says it all. If in fact this may be a deal breaker then I think, regardless of anyone's opinion on here, you need make it clear to him, stand on your word and do not back down. If you indeed find this behavior unacceptable then it is key you form a wall right now and stand by it, otherwise it creates slippery slope of future problems.
I don't care what you consider to be the problem here. Whether it be the "friend" or his not altering plans or not even volunteering to alter them, if you feel strongly about it then it is your call. Do not hesitate in thinking there is a wrong or right here. That is all relative to personal experience or belief. I think it is more important that you, as a person, stand up for what you believe in regardless of the opinions of others that it may either be extreme or not.
You do what you feel is best for you! I wish you luck. There are a lot of things in relationships that require compromise, but I don't believe we should ever have to compromise our personal beliefs or our sense of security in being with the one we love.
I just think its a heck of a thing to spring on a partner after you have made a decision. Maybe thats the real problem, the surprise of it, as you had no real opportunity for input and debate. You were denied your honest expression on this matter, because he assumed you would have no problem with it. You do, and now he knows you do. I think the way he handles himself from here will help you decide how to proceed. Ideally, he should want to at least talk to you, if nothing else to reassure you, not just apologize, and just do as he has planned.
Often its not what our partner does, as how they do it, that ticks us off.
I just think its a heck of a thing to spring on a partner after you have made a decision. Maybe thats the real problem, the surprise of it, as you had no real opportunity for input and debate. You were denied your honest expression on this matter, because he assumed you would have no problem with it. You do, and now he knows you do. I think the way he handles himself from here will help you decide how to proceed. Ideally, he should want to at least talk to you, if nothing else to reassure you, not just apologize, and just do as he has planned.
Often its not what our partner does, as how they do it, that ticks us off.
I had another longer discussion with him where i asked him that even though i wouldn't have stopped him i would have liked to be given an opportunity where atleast he would have volunteered to cancel the trip. He replied to this trip saying that he didnt want to do that because he could not have cancelled on someone at the last moment and second, he wants to see a place he has never seen before. he told me that he understood my concern but that i have to think of it as him going with just a friend not that the friend is a woman. he said he didnt think that it would hurt me so much and that in future he would never ever do something like this and atleast involve me in the process before he makes the decision. he has called me around 8-9 times today and i have not been the most pleasant. do you think i should ease up on him?
NO! Let him go on his trip. Let the emotional dust settles and see how you feel. Its all in your own time now, and maybe he will have thought about things a bit. You will have I'm sure.
I don't think it is healthy for your emotional state or the relationship to attempt to punish him for being an unthinking moron.
You have let him know how you feel and he seems to have gotten the message. If you believe him and trust his word, give him a chance to show he means those words by following up with compatible actions.
If you don't think he will follow through and don't trust him to keep his word, then take that as a red flag and let him go. Trying to hold on to a long distance relationship when you are the only one working on it is not good in the long run.
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