Hi everyone,

I have been in an interracial relationship with my boyfriend (I am an Indian and he is Caucasian) for 4 1/2 years now. Due to a family emergency he had to move to a different country and now we are in a long distance. Everything was going great till he told me that he has a long weekend off and that he is
going to travel to another country with a female friend. I have never met this girl and he has known her only for three months or so. This disturbed me a lot and when i objected he started protesting saying that she is just a friend and absolutely nothing is going to happen and stated that i am being prudish about it. I dont know at this point whether it is an indian thing or if any one would object to their other half taking off like that.

please help i really need some perspective.

Catsmine

The point to this discussion has been lost a couple of times.

Of COURSE the bf can have friends, of whatever gender they happen to be. He can go out for the evening with friends, boozing and slinky dives or milkshakes at the burger shack it doesn't matter.

What he is doing is different. He is refusing to make any effort to maintain this long distance relationship with his "girlfriend." His lack of respect for her feelings indicate he really has little further interest in the relationship.

Jellyfish, I wish you luck. I do not think he's "the one."

paxe

I disagree. How can you equate refusing making any effort to maintain the relationship, with going on a trip with a friend? The OP said it herself that everything is great except this problem. You are assuming too much. If I would simply go with the wim of my ex-gf, I wouldn't be able to do anything.

There seems to be a fundamental problem in this thread about agreeing whether going out on a trip with the opposite sex is wrong or right. What are we basing ourselves on? Morality? Ethics? I think if there is real love, there should be complete trust (it doesn't mean that there shouldn't be any discomfort). What right does she have of telling not to go? Also why do you assume he is not "the one"?

On a personnal note, I got cheated on and my ex took a picture of it, when she was on a trip. I shouldn't be able to trust again, but I gained wisdom and I will trust my future girlfriends on any kind of trip with any boys, because if she really loved me she would never cheat on me. You just cannot "control" anyone into cheating or not, by telling them not to go.

Catsmine

Whether he goes on a trip or not is not the issue. His reply when she expressed concern was dismissive and that she was over-reacting is what I read that bothered her. That is the disrespect that indicates that this relationship is dissolving.

Long distance relationships require extra effort. This guy doesn't seem to want to work that hard.

Jellyfish, am I reading you wrong?

Justwantfair

If you love someone else you will not put them in the position of accepting a situation that isn't appropriate or comfortable.

Having opposite sex friends is fine, but when it comes to a trip with only these two people, no amount of trust can make that acceptable, but that is for both parties to decide. If one party decides without giving any consideration to the opposite party then there are probably problems bigger within the relationship.

You are also talking about a long distance relationship that is already strained with distance. I don't think the OP request that he not accompany this female on a solo trip (or have her accompany him) is a reasonable request, it doesn't make her a prude and I would think that she isn't the only one who would have a problem with this scenerio and for some it wouldn't have to do with trusting the partner.

You are correct in reiterating that she can not force him to not go, but her request isn't an issue of being controlling or wanting him to lose the friendship. Her request is reasonable considering their relationship, his disregard of her feelings in the matter does indicate that he is probably not the one. As his feelings are of more value than hers.

I think that it is reasonable that men and women maintain friendships outside of their relationships, but it is also important to have your partner comfortable with these relationships if they are reasonable and if you have established trust within your relationship. I feel her feelings are valid that this trip is inappropriate and his disregard of those feelings is a refusal to make an effort to maintain the relationship.

We aren't talking catering to every whim here, but this is one that I feel should at least be heard, not dictated to her.

overayear

I understand in realtionships that both people should make scarfices for the other. I on the other hand to do not feel that him going on a trip with a friend is a bad thing. However she isnt comfortable with it so I agree that he might not be the type of guy she is looking for. Or she should deal with it and not make him feel bad for going. If going on a trip with the opposite sex is a deal breaker for her then she should go with her gut feeling.

Cat1864

Are they the only two people going on the trip?

If they are, something that needs to be addressed is that at home each person has their own place to retire to. On a trip, the very nature of traveling and accommodations are more intimate. Not to mention that instead of having school, work and other friends to act as a buffer and distraction, they will be strangers in a strange place. That alone increases the level of intimacy.

After reading several questions lately that pretty much began with "I/he/we got drunk and somehow it just happened, I/he/we had sex. I didn't mean to...", I don't recommend that he increase the risk of doing something he will regret.

On a personal note, on the times that my husband and I have been forced to live in separate places as we relocated, I would have been hitting the roof if he spent a 'vacation' with another woman (even if she was a best friend that I have known for years) or another man for that matter. Understand that I had absolutely no problem when his company sent him to school for a week with a female co-worker.

This isn't about trust as much as respect for Jellyfish and their relationship.

I wish

This is definitely an uncomfortable situation for the OP and if he's willing to take this type of risk, then, in my opinion, it looks like he's prepared to break up anyway.

Therefore, trust, respect and inappropriate behavior would no longer be issues for this relationship.

Altenweg

This is where I disagree.

If both parties (the people in the relationship) were okay with this, then fine, go on the trip, have a blast, bring back a souvenir. The fact is, the OP isn't okay with this, and when she expressed that she wasn't, he blew her off, said she was overreacting.

He obviously doesn't care about how she feels. That's not a relationship. In a relationship you compromise, you listen to the other person, you don't dismiss their feelings.

Is she wrong? She may be. This may all be innocent, just two friends going on a trip together, but, and here's the part that makes it wrong, she doesn't have a good feeling about this, and that should be taken into consideration by her boyfriend.

paxe

If he wanted to dismiss her feelings, why even talk about it or even try to explain it's only a friend?

I think it is a test to all couple to see how much trust you give. Do you give absolute trust to your loved one, or will you try to compromise so some infortunate situation doesn't arise?

If a situation does arise then there is a fundamental problem to begin with.

I believe if you really love your mate, then you would trust him in any situation, because that's love, it's more powerful than lust or any other feelings.

overayear

I agree that he was inconsiderate of her feelings. He could of eased her worries a lil and at least spoke about it more. I do however, disagree that just because she is unhappy with it that he shouldnt go. She was asking if she was overacting. I feel that she might be.