Hello.
I have had a 4 years relationship with my boyfriend. Be both are expatriates and we studied together. He move in 3 years ago to my place and one year an a half ago we were suppose to take a new apartment, but once we signed he got cold feet saying he didn’t know if he love me. I felt I had no choice but leave, and I took a trip back to my country to reflect. After less than 48 hours he came to get me back. We did got back on the relationship but he had no answers for what he had done, so as his love was not clear we agreed he’ll get an apartment for himself. He started asking for my help and drove me on to a situation where I was arranging things for his new “life”, meanwhile we were together. At certain point I just wanted him to move on and be able to keep on going with my life. But even he had a new place he never move. Using it just when he was angry on me, as a sort of punishment. At least that the way I perceived it.
After one year he got rid of the apartment in which he had expend a maximum of 5 nights. He told me then that he never move because he was sure that living apart will be the end of the relationship, and that I would immediate built a wall between us if I was not forced to see him.(which was totally my plan)
I work at 600 km and from one year and a half I just come home for weekends. Meanwhile his father has suffered from cancer and he died 3 months ago. He is now the head of his family. When he went back home for his father, he was proclaiming I was his strengths and his love. When he came back, he said he felt empty. Little by little he has been saying that he doesn’t feel it anymore until the point of saying he doesn’t love me. He says he just wants to be by himself alone and relate to the world in a shallow way. Just go out and have fun, but that he doesn’t want anyone close to him.
The thing is that still he is not breaking up with me. And amazingly enough I do believe he loves me. I feel like if he gives me all the tools for me to dump him and tell him to leave my home. But I leaned about the previous breakup that I shouldn’t be forced to take such a decision. If what is important is the love we give, why should I be the one who end with a relationship which I do want to continue, and with a person I love?
I also think that deep inside of him, if he doesn’t break up is because he doesn’t want to.
Anytime I try to tell him that I thing he is personalizing on me his personal issues (commitment problems, depression, and the fear to be closer to people and get hurt) he has no answer and no capacity of auto-exam.
This weekend after hearing him once again saying he doesn’t love me and being driven to a conversation where he uses anything I say to answer: so, you want me o leave? Should I go? What should I do?. I decided to try to talk to him and I say to him, that I don’t want him to leave, but that that is a decision he has to take by himself. I also told him that makes me very sad that he is killing our love, by just nt seeing the positive, and I don’t understand why he make us go for weekend last week to a romantic destination if he doesn’t love me, or why he decided to introduce me all his coworkers one week ago…
He obviously didn’t answer anything as his favorite sentence regarding his feelings is I don’t know…
He claims he wants to live isolated of the world. But he still doesn’t leave me.
I have come back to my work earlier, because hearing all this again and again is quite painful. And I am planning to stay away at least for one or two weekend to let us time to reflect.
Somehow I am surprised to be quite calm, and still feel full of love for him. But I also am scared he won’t clarify his feelings and we will keep on going like this. I know I have the option of braking up with him and ask him to move. But it is such an unfair situation when I actually don’t want to end this relationship. How can we breakup when anytime we meet we look at each other with a nervous smile like if we still were teenagers? How can we destroy all the complicity that surrounds our lives?
And the most important question, do I have to leave the one I love against my will?

If you like how things are going, then your with the right guy as he will always need his "mommy" to help him out. Like most kids he knows "mommy" will always be there to wipe his boo-boo, no matter what he does, or how bad he acts.

But it IS YOUR decision, to continue with this kid who looks like a man, or not. For sure if you stay, more of the same. But maybe he will grow up, if you leave him, and give him no choice but to figure himself out.

Tough when neither of you can make the hard decisions that change things for the better.

I ovbiously don't like things as they are going, otherwise I would be lying myself and saying all this comes only because his depression. I is anyway hard to read those mummy things. I've always been a independent women. I'd moove to a country I didn't know anyone... The thing is you might be right. At the beginning I was helping him because he did need help. But now anytime he ask for simple things he doesn'tthink he can do hmself I get furious inside of me.The relationship seems to go in one way. I do really like child's and I'll like to be a mother one day but not to MY BOYFRIEND!! Is horrible.
The bad thing is that I still see a lot of good things.. I can't became a child myself and just see negative. That's what makes it do hard and painful.
Still, being me that breaks up the relationship and put him a deadline souds to me like the ultimate "Mummy help to solve your live, you don't have the guts to do something, mum will come and give you the solution you don't dear to take" And then what else?I am not loved? Then at least I should have the right to be dumped with an explanation!!
How did I put myself in such a situation?It really doesn't look like me.

If you are unhappy,and it seems you are,and you want children,but not with him,breaking it off wouldn't be acting like a 'mummy'-it would be taking charge of your own life.

For whatever reasons,this seems like a deadend,and I think you need to step away and consider your own future.

It is amazing how painful can be when a relationship degenerates. It seems like I had a big boundries issue there, and even thoug I always conserved my independence (so he did too) Is so sad for me to see how beautiful has been this couple for some years. But now he doesn't want to grow with me anymore and he just wants to play against me? Looks like the solution to his issues is end the relationship. But I start to think his issue is himself.
I "want" eventually child's, I mean I don't see myself without having but I am not the sort of girl who is looking for a potential father...
I wonder how did I became that mummy you guys talk about.
It is so amazingly difficult to break with somebody you love so much.

That is why I took this brak and I plan to stay in the place I work for some weeks in a go. I really haven't talked or want to talk to anybody about this. I feel I just need peace and focuse on my job and myself.
Then rest will come, I eventually will have to go back "home" and I hope for then he'll figure out what he wants and took a decision. But I guess he won't...
Seems to me too much to deal:
1. A breakup
2. Being the one who dumps
3. building a new life
4. licking my own bounds,
5 Losing my best friend and the only "family" I have in this country
6. Keep on loving him.
7. wonder if I could have done more...

Aaaaaaaaaaaargggggggg

PS: I have never wrote like in a forum but I do thing it was a good idea. Thanks to all of you that step here to be clear!

Take the time out to clear your head.

The breakdown of a relationship is always painful and we are plagued by all sorts of questions.

In the end we have to make decisions for ourselves and our own happiness.

Children do as adults tell them, and adults make their own decision. It sucks sometimes to do what's right for yourself, but in closing this chapter of your life, you open yourself to better options, and opportunities. When you recover from this episode, you will be ready for what life has for you next.

Hey - I wanted to know what decision you ended up making. I am literally in the same, similar situation! Although we are not living together so it is not as complicated, but we have been together for three years and his father died a month and a half ago. He's been calm and then he has these random bursts of anger, where he just wants to isolate himself and he says he needs space and can say the worst things to me. I have done so much for him, so many things to be there for him, almost like a mother would, and now I've come to a point where I realize I'm not happy at all, and that's not exactly his fault, how is he going to keep someone else happy when he isn't? Its been entirely one sided and that's fine but it hurts me a lot sometimes. He says that he doesn't want me to force myself on him because he doesn't want to be close to anyone right now in his life, and I told him I'm fine with giving him space and I need space too. But he's not ending it. He keeps asking me if I'm going to end it. I don't want to add more to his plate and I still care for him a lot... But am I just wasting my time? My friends have mixed advice, that I should lookout for myself, or that this will make us stronger than ever and if I love him I'll wait for him to get through this process...