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    My boyfriend mistreated me and I want him to know that I'm hurt without losing him!

    Asked Jan 4, 2009, 06:39 AM — 23 Answers
    I've been dating this really nice guy for about 4 months. I told him a day before that I was having surgery done on my eyes the next day, he seemed very concerned. I told him id call the next day when its over. And I do but he disconnects me. I wait and wait for him to call back but he doesn't so I call him at night and it turns out he's with his friends at a café! He could tell that I was furious and immediately started asking about my surgery then said he had to go and that he'd call later. But he doesn't. I really like him and don't want to lose him but at the same time I'm really hurt and I want him to know that. What do I do? By the way this is my first relationship I'm new at all this! Thanks

    Last edited by talaniman; Jan 4, 2009 at 02:18 PM.
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    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 47,111, Reputation: 10295
    Senior Family & People Expert
     
    #21

    Feb 4, 2009, 02:34 PM


    His bad behavior, and your temper have poisoned this relationship, and your both at fault.

    Your only solution for the future is to leave each other alone, and let the emotional dust settle. Then maybe you can heal, and move on, and do what you want in life.

    When things are this rocky in the first 6 months, thats a sign that your both too different, and too young to have the skills to keep it fun, and learn to grow, together.

    This experience will help you later, when life gives you more time. Your both to busy to tend a relationship at this time. Leave him alone.
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    chuff's Avatar
    chuff Posts: 3,397, Reputation: 1235
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    #22

    Feb 4, 2009, 05:22 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by kharoof View Post
    after reading your posts i went crazy! all my girlfriends told me that its his fault and that i shouldnt do anything and to wait for him to talk.
    Your girlfriends are wrong. I mean it's almost on the point of stupidity.

    You, however are getting a damn great lesson in life. When you ask your friends for advice they are rarely going to tell you what you should hear, but instead what they feel you want to hear.

    Now that being said, you by your own admission freaked out on him, and then when he tried to distance himself from you and this behavior you told him never to call you again. In my first post I told you not to nag a guy. Well telling him off after you go off on him is beyond nagging. There is nothing wrong with being assertative but if you have to threaten never to speak with someone to get your point across the reality is you aren't worth speaking to, to begin with. I say this as a guy, if you did to me what you did to him you would have got the same result. You don't bully around someone you care about. I'm sorry your friends did not have the courage to tell you that.

    Quote Originally Posted by kharoof View Post
    but then i read what you guys have to say and i feel like im the one that messed up.
    You are.

    Quote Originally Posted by kharoof View Post
    i know its both of our faults
    How is it in any way his fault that he tried to back off when you lost it, so to show him you lose it more and tell him never to talk to you again. That is not both your faults. That is your fault.

    Quote Originally Posted by kharoof View Post
    but i really really like this guy and i dont want to lose him
    Then how can you tell him that? You honestly think bullying a guy into "Don't talk to me again" is going to make him want you?

    Quote Originally Posted by kharoof View Post
    and at the same time i dont want to seem desperate clingy etc
    But you are so wrapped up in him you, have completely lost focus of who you are.


    Quote Originally Posted by kharoof View Post
    if we do get back. what do i do? i feel like my whole world is crashing down on me and i cant think straight anymore.
    I'm not sure how you'd get back at this point. But here's what really happened. You had someone interested in you and it was your first time. As it started progressing you started freaking out and over thinking everything to the point you lost focus on the most important person in the relationship, that being you. You aren't who you were 7 months ago. You allowed the relationship to define you, engulf you, overshadow you, and consume you. Then you started taking advice from your friends and be honest with yourself, have they ever told you were wrong about anything significant? Of course not, because they do not want to rock the boat, they tell you what they think you want to hear. This guy is trying to focus on his school and life, and you want to bring drama to it. When he doesn't play ball you get more upset. When he doesn't go along, you ask your friends and they actually tell you he's wrong for not wanting to get caught up in the drama. So you play the don't talk to me card and are now surprised when the one person who has been consistent with you, actually abides by your own comment. Then your friends continue to blame him... for what I'm not even sure at this point. You said it yourself, you can't think straight anymore, well you need to work that out before you start dating again. No guy wants a woman that doesn't think straight, and no guy wants to get involved in this kind of drama. No guy wants a girl that doesn't communicate without losing it, and that was covered in a post about a month ago.

    Look I'm not hear to rag on you, I have no doubt you have a ton to offer a guy, but this attitude that the guy is going to at your beck and call and when he's not you lose it, just ain't going to fly. A man wants a woman to tell him... not nag, not yell and scream, not go nuts, just tell him what she's looking for. I'm not telling you to never stand up for yourself, because you should, but at the same time you can not go overboard and drive someone away from you. At the end of the day you have nothing to be upset about. You have gained some knowledge and if you apply it, it will get better. If you ignore it, you'll repeat yourself. The choice is yours.
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    Bonnie46's Avatar
    Bonnie46 Posts: 113, Reputation: 16
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    #23

    Feb 4, 2009, 06:11 PM
    Congratulations! Welcome to the interesting and often-times disappointing world of dating!

    Lose the loser.


    He's too young and isn't as into YOU as you are into HIM.

    Let it go. In a few months, date a new guy. Then, if the next one lets you down, dump him, wait a few months (be single for a heartbeat) and then get another boy.

    *if you date many different men, over a period of many different years, and the boys STILL don't treat you kindly with respect, and / or you feel like something key is missing and you're upset, then: STOP

    Stop and ask yourself why you aren't EXPECTING to be respected, honoured, loved and appreciated.

    Remember that, even though it's tough now, and hurts sometimes... you will grow to appreciate the stories and the lessons you've learned along the way.

    Forget the good luck stuff.

    Try harder and expect MORE.
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    Bonnie46's Avatar
    Bonnie46 Posts: 113, Reputation: 16
    Junior Member
     
    #24

    Feb 4, 2009, 06:14 PM
    Kharoof,

    You are not messed up. You're very young and naïve. This boy probably doesn't really care about you - I'm sorry to say.

    He wants to be with his buddies. So just let him go.

    Be happy that you're young and that you have your WHOLE life ahead of you.

    Cheer up!
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