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jelly129 · Jul 31, 2010, 12:10 PM

My boyfriend is a sweet guy... sometimes he is a little outspoken. There are very few things about him that truly bother me, but one of them has really been getting on my nerves lately. Sometimes he will make rude comments about other people or my friends in terms of their physical appearance. Like he will say one of my friends is fat or another one has a weird face or is gross... I just don't understand why he says those things, especially since he really likes my friends. He never says things like that about me - he constantly tells me I'm beautiful, etc. But when he says things like that about my friends who are I think are about the same attractiveness as me, it makes me feel insecure. I told him it bothered me and he kind of stopped for awhile but yesterday he made more comments like that. Why would he say mean things like that? Is it because he's insecure? I just don't get it... it doesn't make sense with the rest of his personality.

talaniman · Jul 31, 2010, 12:15 PM

Maybe that's part of his personality you don't like, but have to accept. We all have a jerk side that may be irritating to our partners, so don't take it personally. He is who he is whether you like it, or not. How long have you been together, and how old are you??

positiveparent · Jul 31, 2010, 12:42 PM

Talaniman have to spread the rep.

I agree though perhaps he just speaks then thinks, Ive been known to have a touch of foot in mouth myself before now.

Its called putting the mouth in action before the brains fully in gear.

Ive also been told Im as subtle as a steam train, so perhaps your boyfriend has the same ailments I have, and I am wayyyyyyy older than he is. Just take him to one side and quietly say to him, OK his name, if you don't like my friends fine, but can you please be more civilised towards them, Im sure you don't mean what you say but they don't know that and it embarrasses me.

Hope fully he will catch on.

Jake2008 · Aug 1, 2010, 06:50 AM

Be careful with this guy.

Some men use this as a tactic to draw you away from your friends, and isolate you so he has you most or all of the time.

Watch for signs of things turning more serious, in that he doesn't want you spending as much time with your family, or starts questioning you about a friend you saw one day, that he didn't like. If he starts to 'suggest' how he would like you to wear your hair, or that he doesn't like you wearing certain types of clothing, or that you have too much makeup on.

Controlling behaviour normally, if it is 'normal', usually starts with controlling the influences that are seen as competition, or are seen as threatening to his overall plan of what he thinks an 'exclusive' relationship means.

I can tell you that remarks like that made to me by a man, or woman, about any of my friends, would be the last remark made.

jelly129 · Aug 1, 2010, 02:58 PM

Thank you for the advice... I feel like it gave me a lot insight. I've been with him for almost a year and things have been pretty wonderful. I think it may be a case of just speaking his mind without censorship. It's weird because the day I wrote this post, we were on a drive and he asked me if he had any habits that really bothered me... like stuff that I may not be able to deal with long term. So I brought that up to him and he said that he was just speaking his opinion, the good mixed with the bad, and he would try really hard to censor himself a bit better. I guess he didn't realize it bothered me so much, even though I mentioned it before. While the fact that he said those things in the first place still pisses me off, the fact that he is willing to listen to me and work on censoring himself a bit makes up for pretty much everything.

I also wanted to say, its refreshing hearing advice from people who are a little outspoken as well, or can related to the "jerk" side. I guess it's hard for me to understand because I am very careful about what I say to other people and sometimes he just says things without thinking.

Jake2008 · Aug 1, 2010, 03:46 PM

Jelly- good for you!

That he actually asked, and likely suspected his words about your friends hurt you, you gave him the truth, and he accepted it.

I am impressed with him that he asked, and was willing and able to take the 'fault' like a man, and at least try to tone it down.

Give him a big hug from me.