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My boyfriend says he needs some time alone.
Asked Aug 5, 2011, 09:41 AM
We have been together for a year and a half. He has been through a bad divorce and is a bit jaded. We have had a little bumps in the road in our relationship and broke up once before briefly for a month but he came back saying he missed me and wanted to be together. We spent the summer together at his place and had a great summer. He mentioned marriage in the future and how he wanted to move forward with our relationship. He told me every day he loved me and was happy with me.
Recently this past week he has been under a great deal of stress with his job and we started to argue about a few things. He hates any kind of conflict and deals with conflict by avoiding it. I on the other hand want to talk about and work through things. He shuts down and withdraws. He has done this before. He said that he feels we might of spent too much time together, and I agree we did, we didn't have any time away from each other for 3 months.
He felt that he was beginning to get annoyed with small things I did and that he didn't know what that meant. He sounds confused and wants to deal with it by not spending time together.
He then mentioned that maybe we should break up but wasn't sure about it. He said he felt disconnected that past week since we had been arguing and felt that I wasn't communicating my feelings to him which turned him off.
My confusion comes from the fact that we love each other very much and I know he was faithful to me. We really enjoy each others company, and he insisted I stay with him this summer. I noticed he was getting irritated with me the past couple days and I shut down communicating with him myself. But how can he say all those things to me... about loving me... being happpy... meeting his match... wanting to eventually marry... then just shut down, and push me away like this?
I am angry and very hurt by his withdrawing. I feel resentful because of how good things were going between us and his response to this past week. He was just telling me this past Monday, how happy he was with me, and how much he loved me.
Also, he doesn't deal with stress or conflict well of any kind. He is a bit of a loner and enjoys alone time but wants me around him all the time which is a bit confusing. He has poor skills when dealing with any "drama" as he calls it. He is hypersensitive to any conflict, more so than the average person.
I love him and know he loves me... but his reaction is hurtful, especially because of how serious our relationship was. Last night he called me and had a very sweet voice telling me about a job offer he had and he wanted my advice. We ended the call nicely but he never asked what I was doing this weekend.
Today I broke down, and emailed him asking him if he wanted to join me for a concert tonight. He never replied.
Merged and edited/T
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Senior Family & People Expert
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Aug 5, 2011, 04:04 PM
You have some good times between you generally, but don't seem to be able to communicate enough to resolve things. Maybe his issues are in the way, or maybe its your own expectations that are to high. Whatever it is, back up and give him plenty of space to figure himself out. That means leaving him alone for a time, and letting him come to you when he is ready.
That doesn't mean just sit and wait, it means enjoying your life without him, and if he gets lost in his own BS, he has to find his own way out.
You can't change him. That's for sure.
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Emotional Health Expert
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Aug 6, 2011, 05:27 AM
The two of you have to be on the same page to work through problems, needs, and wants. It isn't enough to talk the talk, both of you have to walk the walk.
If communication is a problem, work on ways of solving it, instead of brushing it under the rug. A thousand good days can mean nothing if when those bumps in the road as you call it, are not addressed.
If he is willing, get into couples counselling and see if there can't be some way to learn how to work through problems. It is sad to think that a little work on both your parts can't turn this tide of all or nothing.
Communication, or more a lack of, will ruin any relationship. We aren't all born with the ability to effectively communicate. Especially when it is with someone that we don't want to hurt or upset.
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Aug 30, 2011, 12:38 PM
However much you love someone, it's difficult to spend every waking moment together. Even you're oldest, best friend who you love the most would eventually get irritating after a certain amount of time.
You do need some time apart, maybe a couple of weeks to begin with, just to see if you both are still wanting to carry on with your relationship. If he misses you and you miss him, and you know you love each other, there's no reason why you can't stay together and move forward in your relationship (even get married and have children if that's what you decide to do).
But if and when you do get back together, you do need to do things separately, rather than together all the time. Get interested in activities and hobbies outside of the relationship, so that when you both do come home from work or whatever you've been up to that day, you'll both enjoy talking to each other about your day and will look forward to spending that time together.
Constantly being in each others pockets is never a good thing in a relationship, so you definitely each need some more independence.
Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.
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Jun 22, 2013, 04:09 PM
I am going through the same situation. I am devastated. But like a wise friend told me, if you keep questioning him after he asked for space, it'll only push him away more. Just let him be, I know how much it kills you, I feel the same. But all we can do is pray for the best. What's meant to be will be
stay strong! I know I have to be
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