My boyfriend is 31 and I've been in a committed relationship with him for close to a year now and we have intentions to get married. We started out with amazing sex but after two or 3 months it just dwindled to once in a blue moon. It's like we've already been married for 20 years LOL! For nearly 10 months now, I've had to make due with a frequency of about twice a month. He's only interested in the "doggy-style" position that hurts me and doesn't get me off (probably because he knows I won't go for it). I've had a few talks with him about it and he's receptive but nothing changes. It's killing me! He swears he's not gay (despite his bi-curiosity in college) and he's physically fit, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, etc. In fact he's REALLY good in bed when he wants to be but the problem is he NEVER wants to! When we DO have sex, 90% of the time he finishes quickly and doesn't do a thing to satisfy me. But there have been rare occasions that he just goes and goes and there are multiple orgasms for both of us. Obviously I don't expect that every time, and I don't even care if I don't get off every time as long as we're doing it with a greater frequency than once a month! He says he likes being intimate with me but he doesn't even kiss me anymore! Seriously, what is going on here?!??! He swears it isn't me and that he still finds me attractive so... what is it? Please help!

Choux

You didn't mention how old you were.

AD2012

26

bEaUtIfUlbRuNeTtE

Maybe this boyfriend of your thinks that sex has become a routine for you.

Have you tried spicing things up? Foreplay all day?

Synnen

Have you confronted him and told him "This is not acceptable to me. If this does not change, I will not be happy. If I am not happy, YOU will not be happy. This is a serious situation, and I feel that you are not putting any effort into addressing it with me"?

kp2171

so we know he is able to get you there, and you say multiple times when he cares to, he just doesnt seem to care to.

well, in my mind its not complicated.

if he doesnt care to do the "work" to get you off through intercourse, he should at least be willing to get you there orally before he has his... but even that alone isnt acceptable. im not a fan of keeping "score" in the bedroom, but i also think there needs to be a balance... and he seems to be completely in control of what he gets, when he gets it, and what he gives, when hes willing.

not good.

so then theres the things that can naturally affect libido, making even a lover who wants to be giving, less interested. stress, depression, illness, meds, smoking, poor sleep, frequent masturbation, and on and on...

has anything changed concerning his job, finances, health? does he work out? the honest truth is, for me, the more i work my body though exercise, the greater my libido... part might be self confidence in my body, but part is a result of the balance you can get with exercise...

everybody can hit a rut. people who wait until after marriage would start with a bang and then it might fizzle. the "newness" wears off. the "chase" seems like its over. and all of that amps up the drive. so whats a couple to do?

well... ive experienced two periods in a 10 year relationship that involved a lack of sex, or at least infrequent. one was "my fault" after i became depressed for a spell. quit a job to take another that fell through, right after having a child and buying a bigger home. the stess really got to me. worked through it eventually, but libido suffered in the meantime. the second was when my wife was recovering from a surgery. she wasnt interested in sex at all during this time, and the recovery took a few months.

so... what got us through this was communication. it took longer for us to understand what was happening when i was depressed, but still... in the end, we talked about what was going well and what wasnt. and still... there are times when she will have a lower drive. she works long hours and travels a lot. her body is fatigued. if each day were a walk on the beach, wed be all over each other all the time.

so when we hit a rough patch, what keeps me sane is i KNOW she is interested. i know shes a giving lover. i know she wants to have a healthy sex life. if shes wiped out from work and just cannot get relaxed, i understand whats happening. i know that its not a lack of desire. i know its not me. life is getting in the way. as long as i believe she is still interested and wanting that connection, i can muddle through a rough week. or two perhaps. beyond that, we start having discussions.

so... you are at a place where you dont know whats going on. have to admit, im a little scared for you... my experience is that it only gets harder in time to find that connection since, as i mentioned, life gets in the way.

have spontaneous sex in the living room by the fireplace? only if childcare has been prearranged in advance. sex in the morning before work or a nooner? only if there isnt an early meeting, a workout scheduled, or vendor in town.

point is.. a lazy lover might be lazy for the moment, due to things i mentioned, like stress... or it might be his true colors.

all you can do is try to talk it out some more... and then its in his hands. if he isnt willing to do some work concerning initiating sex and pleasing you... he is a lazy lover who either will never be willing to please you, or wholl need your constant prodding and poking to get him into bed. and thats just emotional energy spent for no good reason.

im all for giving a person a chance to do the right thing. lay it all out. dont make threats you wont backup, but tell him what you want and expect. if he doesnt follow through, and you decide to stay... then you decide to live with it. you dont get to be a victim (and i dont think you are trying to be) if you choose to stay when he refuses to be engaged in the bedroom.

uhm... in case you are still reading this diatribe... is there a certain time he tends to prefer sex. i ask this because my partner is a "morning girl", even though when we dated it was whenever we could find the time. me... a "night guy", id always find the wrong times to chase her down. now, i wake up before the army to try to seduce my wife.

AD2012

How often is it healthy for men to have sex with their girlfriends? What could be wrong if my BF doesn't want me hardly EVER? We've been together for a year and we're helplessly in love and want to get married but I am not happy with the fact that he'll do anything to get out of making love to me. I'm lucky if I get it twice a month! He's not a smoker, physically fit, and totally in love with me so I don't understand! It's definitely more mental than physical...

AD2012

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and are totally in love. We've expressed that we'd like to get married someday... but I can't help feeling like he's not completely into me! He shys away from me when I try to get close to him... he's a total cuddler but he's totally asexual! I've expressed to him my needs but it's going on 10 months of this and nothing has changed! It doesn't seem healthy. What should I do?

AD2012

I've had several talks with him about it. Something might change in the next 24 hours after our talk but then I'll end up waiting for another month! Usually what he does is he'll make an effort in the middle of my sleep cycle when he knows I won't go for it, so at least he can say he tried. It's really messed up! He tries to listen and be sensitive but I think there is a real problem here...

kp2171

not good at all.