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My boyfriend is a pleaser, except in bed. what's wrong?
My boyfriend is 31 and I've been in a committed relationship with him for close to a year now and we have intentions to get married. We started out with amazing sex but after two or 3 months it just dwindled to once in a blue moon. It's like we've already been married for 20 years LOL! For nearly 10 months now, I've had to make due with a frequency of about twice a month. He's only interested in the "doggy-style" position that hurts me and doesn't get me off (probably because he knows I won't go for it). I've had a few talks with him about it and he's receptive but nothing changes. It's killing me! He swears he's not gay (despite his bi-curiosity in college) and he's physically fit, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, etc. In fact he's REALLY good in bed when he wants to be but the problem is he NEVER wants to! When we DO have sex, 90% of the time he finishes quickly and doesn't do a thing to satisfy me. But there have been rare occasions that he just goes and goes and there are multiple orgasms for both of us. Obviously I don't expect that every time, and I don't even care if I don't get off every time as long as we're doing it with a greater frequency than once a month! He says he likes being intimate with me but he doesn't even kiss me anymore! Seriously, what is going on here?!??! He swears it isn't me and that he still finds me attractive so... what is it? Please help!
You may have found his level of sexual proclivity and YOU are the one who has a decision to make. Is this enough, or not?
there can be a lot of truth in this... that the "chase" overrides the base level of sexual interest that might exist when the shine wears off.
but i also know if the guy has emotional baggage from past relationships, this can be an issue that is "masking" his real level of interest as well. studies have shown that young men often respond well to counseling when there are intimacy issues tied to mental blocks.
i completely agree you can expect to "fix" him into something he isnt... but it also might enable him to be the person he is, sans emotional baggage.
You have a number of problems here as I see it. The most glaring one is you've only know each other for a year, and have not had the time to learn to develop the level of communications to sustain a healthy, caring, relationship.
The physical fire and intensity has gone down because you are still learning, and finding out the little things you need to know about each other. I think the sex early on, blinded you both, and you take that as part of an intense love.
The challenge and spark of the unknown is gone, and with it went the willingness to communicate, and work together to resolve your issues.
His selfishness is showing badly, as is his laziness.
Your going along with it, makes it worse, and breeds resentment in you, and I think it was there with him already. You see his ill timed efforts, as a bad thing, and not sincere, which leads to more resentments.
He has issues from his past, that are coming to light, and of course you don't want to hear that. More resentments, from you both.
My advice is stop worrying about the sex, and work on the two of you coming to an agreement, to learn each other better, and a pact to work together. A year is not a lot of time together, no matter how intense the feelings are, and as you've seen, the personal, honest, communications is lousy, and that is at the heart of your problems, and the quality, and quantity of the sex is only a symptom of an incomplete relationship. A counselor can guide you thru the process of learning to talk, and listen to each other, without which, this relationship is doomed. Good Luck.
Wow, after reading all of the different 'complaints' - yes, complaints - I fail to see what exactly (or who exactly) came up with the 'intention' of marriage.
- started out the amazing sex... Question - amazing the first night, a few nights in a row after meeting each other?? OK, so you both tested the water there, but did you even bother to communicate without swapping bodyfluids?
- dwindled to once in a blue moon.. Question - Did you start conversing and sharing history? - You seem to know a lot about his past, so he must have talked to you... did you talk to him too or just listen and 'evaluate'?
- he likes doggy style and you don't.. Question - Who is mostly in control of the time and place? What are the hours leading up to the time in the bedroom like?
Do you two share humor, laughter, fun, music, good food, entertainment? Or, just his physical condition, emotional past and the medications you 'agreed' that he should or should not be taking for his short-comings.
I can't help but feel that in the beginning he was not as introverted as he is now, and that tells me that he just might be running away from something in this relationship right now. He is backing off either because he does not feel you are understanding enough or he feels over-powered by you. Either way, I think a ''go back to square one card'' is in order here and that you two should take a better look at what the future would bring if you kept traveling on the same road at this speed with this attitude of your's.
I know this is not what you'd like to hear, but you are chasing him away and not asking yourself how or why. Your strong personality is suffocating him - and if you want to help him, you should sit back and let him take the lead now and then before his scrotum shrinks altogether.
Please don't take offense in what I just said, it's just that not all men can handle women with such a strong and dominating nature as you have - they feel threatened and that's not healthy for either of you in this relationship.
Nevertheless, I wish you lots of luck in working this out for the benefit of both of you.
Some men fear strenght in woman, but are easy to mold into wonderful strong beings as long as they don't know we are doing the molding...
hmmm... outside of her asking him not to talk about his ex-gf's, i get a completely different read. *edited... didnt catch the meds issue first time through... cant tell if shes supporting him or pushing it*
but if wanting to be kissed, wanting sex on a more regular basis than not, wanting to enjoy it in positions that are pleasing, wanting to have an orgasm... if these are all suffocating then i would have been dead a long time ago. my wife would say all of these are a part of a balanced sex life, as would i.
when did talking to a partner, who has become a lazy lover after the chase is over, about sexual needs become the domain of the dominating?
i know there are all kinds of different people out there, and different ways to approach a problem... but i sure dont blame her for wanting those things.
"shut up and wait for the other person to read your mind" just doesnt do it for me. not in the bedroom. not in a relationship. certainly not in a marriage.
It's not that we don't communicate - we do. And yes, we share all kinds of things - not just sex - together (I mean come on - really!). We are completely in love and this is the most compatible and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and he says the same. I know it sounds like I'm doing a lot of complaining but it's a small facet of our relationship. The whole picture is much bigger. I've had many talks with him... I've tried initiating it... Everything I could think of to do, I've done - and in the healthiest way possible. I know I'm getting a lot of flack probably because this post has been moved to the topic of 'relationships' when I originally posted it in 'adult sexuality' and there isn't much mention about other aspects of our relationship, granted. But you can't just assume I'm some kind of dominating sex-crazed maniac... He just avoids me like the plague when in comes to sexual intimacy and I really really just don't know why.
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