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My boyfriend is a pleaser, except in bed. what's wrong?
My boyfriend is 31 and I've been in a committed relationship with him for close to a year now and we have intentions to get married. We started out with amazing sex but after two or 3 months it just dwindled to once in a blue moon. It's like we've already been married for 20 years LOL! For nearly 10 months now, I've had to make due with a frequency of about twice a month. He's only interested in the "doggy-style" position that hurts me and doesn't get me off (probably because he knows I won't go for it). I've had a few talks with him about it and he's receptive but nothing changes. It's killing me! He swears he's not gay (despite his bi-curiosity in college) and he's physically fit, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, etc. In fact he's REALLY good in bed when he wants to be but the problem is he NEVER wants to! When we DO have sex, 90% of the time he finishes quickly and doesn't do a thing to satisfy me. But there have been rare occasions that he just goes and goes and there are multiple orgasms for both of us. Obviously I don't expect that every time, and I don't even care if I don't get off every time as long as we're doing it with a greater frequency than once a month! He says he likes being intimate with me but he doesn't even kiss me anymore! Seriously, what is going on here?!??! He swears it isn't me and that he still finds me attractive so... what is it? Please help!
If a woman can't expect to be kissed, caressed and loved.. then there is something wrong with the lover.
If he can't or won't even enjoy a walk down the street without freaking out and wanting to hide, or does not show pride or respect being around her in public, then he's a wuss.
If he just thinks about his own gratification and claims to have emotional issues or finds blame elsewhere, he's not concerned about his current partner.
So.. what went wrong?
He is currently either self-righteous, cold and uncaring and wants out.. or scared and wants out. Whatever the reason, which we don't know, it is not beneficial to her at all. She is unhappy, but also an independent woman with self-respect. So why should she even want to be with someone not in her league.
I still maintain that there are such men who do feel threatened by a woman who knows what she wants, but there are also men out there who would be proud to know and love an independent woman like her. So, IMO, she is just wasting her time with the wrong one. She deserves better and it's good she found out before getting married to him.
*edited... didnt catch the meds issue first time through... cant tell if shes supporting him or pushing it*
I said somewhere along the lines (boy, this is getting confusing!) that my boyfriend has social anxiety disorder. He is undiagnosed but it's plainly obvious. We both have the same views on pharmaceuticals (compatibility is a good thing!) and agree that that probably isn't the best course of action for him. I don't make his decisions for him... I support him. I am of the mindset that if there is some sort of underlying psychological disorder or problem of sorts, that it can be worked on the good old fashioned way... with love, understanding, and the whole-hearted intention to change things. I'd like to try and get to the root of the problem though...
It's not that we don't communicate - we do. And yes, we share all kinds of things - not just sex - together (I mean come on - really!). We are completely in love and this is the most compatible and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and he says the same. I know it sounds like I'm doing a lot of complaining but it's a small facet of our relationship. The whole picture is much bigger. I've had many talks with him... I've tried initiating it... Everything I could think of to do, I've done - and in the healthiest way possible. I know I'm getting a lot of flack probably because this post has been moved to the topic of 'relationships' when I originally posted it in 'adult sexuality' and there isn't much mention about other aspects of our relationship, granted. But you can't just assume I'm some kind of dominating sex-crazed maniac... He just avoids me like the plague when in comes to sexual intimacy and I really really just don't know why.
Please don't think that I meant that! Maybe my use of the word dominant was misplaced here - but I certainly did not intend it in that way. All the time and work you invested in this relationship deserves a great big pat on the back.. but I just think he does not appreciate it at all. He might even need professional help to get that wall he's built around him to flake away brick by brick. My perception might be wrong here, but you do feel that there is something seriously amiss and the more 'views' you receive, the better chance you'll have of making your choice to either continue to try and work things out, or seeing if he is really worth all your love and effort, especially if it is one-sided.
Honestly, my motives are to help, not hinder.. and I do wish you all the best, no matter what your choice is.
Do you want to be his mother, friend, or lover? He needs to be straight with you on this issue too.
He is currently either self-righteous, cold and uncaring and wants out.. or scared and wants out. Whatever the reason, which we don't know, it is not beneficial to her at all. She is unhappy, but also an independent woman with self-respect. So why should she even want to be with someone not in her league.
I still maintain that there are such men who do feel threatened by a woman who knows what she wants, but there are also men out there who would be proud to know and love an independent woman like her. So, IMO, she is just wasting her time with the wrong one. She deserves better and it's good she found out before getting married to him.
i must have read your post from the wrong angle. we seem to agree more than not on this one. the wifes been gone for the week. im punchy.
it would be good to understand more about his past gf's. she doesnt want him talking about it... fine... but what happened? did he do this before? did they turn on him?
its not an uncommon theme for a person to write in saying my partner was "this way" when we first dated and now is "this other way"... the chase being one of many elements that can mask who the people really are when everything settles into its "normal" state... so maybe its just the shine is off...
but the issues concerning anxiety could lead you to believe that solving issues, when they come up, could be tough if he is willing to listen, but not act.
babbling here... were she my sister asking me for advice, id tell her not to marry a guy who fails so early in the relationship to address real needs of intimacy and sensuality... just a recipe for feeling trapped and neglected in the long run.
i dont shy from saying do the hard work to make a serious relationship last... but one person cannot save a relationship. and intimate concerns that dont get solved are real, big, haunting problems.
if you keep starting new threads its going to get very confusing... nobody is going to understand the entire picture... so if you really want help, pick a forum and run with the thread, talking in detail about all thats going on...
for ex, the social issue and the meds can play into the lack of sex... if you just give bits here and there, it just doesnt help your cause.
for later viewers of this post, here are other related threads...
...yeah... sorry about that. I am new to this whole thing and my mis-understanding that the experts were more or less bound to the topics in their area of expertise. I thought I'd just try to get as many different takes on the subject as possible and put 2 + 2 together. My bad.
My perception might be wrong here, but you do feel that there is something seriously amiss and the more 'views' you receive, the better chance you'll have of making your choice to either continue to try and work things out, or seeing if he is really worth all your love and effort, especially if it is one-sided.
that my boyfriend has social anxiety disorder. He is undiagnosed but it's plainly obvious. We both have the same views on pharmaceuticals (compatibility is a good thing!) and agree that that probably isn't the best course of action for him. I don't make his decisions for him...
You may need professional guidance, to get to the roots of the problem.
I'm sure that no woman wants to be the analyst when she is looking for a serious relationship. But, maybe, just maybe, if you'd had listened when he wanted to vent about his ex partners, you would have found out his real intentions. Maybe he fires all of his 'fireworks' in the beginning of a relationship to lure a girl and then winds up just wanting the good conversations, food, comfort, etc., without having to 'perform' anymore after that initial 'contact'. In that case, he has a problem with sexuality that only a professional can help him with.
Like I said before, this is your choice. You can try and help him get this professional help - if he is willing to cooperate and change. This will take more time and effort on your part with no guarantee of the outcome. You could also just console yourself with the fact that friendship with 'benefits' now and then is 'enough' for you in this relationship. It all depends on what you want out of this and if you have the stamina.
Please just don't forget yourself and your happiness along the way.
With his profile, it would not even surprise me if he could make a career out of being a call-boy and then coming home to your 'safe harbor'.
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