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My boyfriend is a pleaser, except in bed. what's wrong?
My boyfriend is 31 and I've been in a committed relationship with him for close to a year now and we have intentions to get married. We started out with amazing sex but after two or 3 months it just dwindled to once in a blue moon. It's like we've already been married for 20 years LOL! For nearly 10 months now, I've had to make due with a frequency of about twice a month. He's only interested in the "doggy-style" position that hurts me and doesn't get me off (probably because he knows I won't go for it). I've had a few talks with him about it and he's receptive but nothing changes. It's killing me! He swears he's not gay (despite his bi-curiosity in college) and he's physically fit, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, etc. In fact he's REALLY good in bed when he wants to be but the problem is he NEVER wants to! When we DO have sex, 90% of the time he finishes quickly and doesn't do a thing to satisfy me. But there have been rare occasions that he just goes and goes and there are multiple orgasms for both of us. Obviously I don't expect that every time, and I don't even care if I don't get off every time as long as we're doing it with a greater frequency than once a month! He says he likes being intimate with me but he doesn't even kiss me anymore! Seriously, what is going on here?!??! He swears it isn't me and that he still finds me attractive so... what is it? Please help!
i just dont think his actions are that of a giving lover.
and, as i mentioned, it doesnt get any easier just because you are married. if anything, it often takes more effort and focus. and if he isnt doing that now, when hes supposed to be chasing you, i just dont know what its going to take to change things for you.
i can tell you this... i have a great marriage, but if i had treated my wife the way hes treating you, she wouldnt have stayed. most relationship have some kinks in the armor, some places where there isnt pefect overlap... but scour the threads here and see what its like for a woman to be with a man who is unattentive and ungiving after ten or more years of marriage.
they feel trapped, lonely, and desperate. and im not saying this because i want to scare you... its just the truth we get here in posts.
personally, i hope he pulls his head out of his arse. i dont think you should be relegated to being a roommate and not a lover. i dont think his actions when you actually do have sex is giving or caring.
so hes a great guy who wants to be your roommate mostly.
if you keep starting new threads its going to get very confusing... nobody is going to understand the entire picture... so if you really want help, pick a forum and run with the thread, talking in detail about all thats going on...
for ex, the social issue and the meds can play into the lack of sex... if you just give bits here and there, it just doesnt help your cause.
for later viewers of this post, here are other related threads...
I also think that telling him, and meaning it, that you refuse to put up with it any longer and that if things don't change, you and he will have to work something else out regarding your sexuality--whether that's leaving, having an open relationship, whatever--but be absolutely serious that you want yours, and that if he isn't going to give it to you, consistantly, you're going to find it somewhere, with or without him.
if hes willing and goes in with an open mind, sure.
young men with libido/ED issues often respond well to counseling, as its often mental block and not all physical.
that said, you didnt address anything in my original post about stress, exercise, sleep, depression, fitness, nutrition, meds, smoking, alcohol use, etc... lifestyle changes can sometimes make a big difference.
for ex, i exercise regularly, and think it bumps up my libido and response. when i get off schedule due to lifes noise, i notice a drop in my drive and overall energy. one study showed that even obese men with ED issues had an increase in performance and drive with a regular exercise schedule.
what bugs me is your description of his behavior... choosing a position that you dont like and that hurts you because, you suspect, he likes it and knows you wont get off?
being "receptive" to a talk but doing nothing?
finishing fast and "never does a thing" to help you?
waking you up in the middle of the night when he knows you will be too tired so he can say "i tried"?
if he were just uninterested, id think lifestyle changes alone might help. that he is uninterested AND completely avoids making you a priority in bed is disrespectful and rude.
i personally try pretty hard most of the time to get my lover there first. i always can with oral. i often can with oral then intercourse. it sometimes happens with just intercourse, but shes more responsive with oral first. getting here there is a priority for me, and i dont understand his blatant neglect.
some will come on here and say hes too much work at such a young age. i say give a person the opportunity to do the right thing. youve tried talking to him. you can suggest counseling. in the end, if you stay with a person who is sexually neglectful, you choose that for yourself and you cant play a victim (and im not saying you are trying to do this... you are honestly trying to improve your relationship).
and you also cannot do all the work yourself. he has to show some real interest in pleasing you. so far, i dont see it in him... especially with his selfish choices when he is willing to have sex. unbelievable.
I would agree. It is time to be honest with each other and simply ask what may be the problem. These things can easily turn into arguments but if one of you keeps the tone of the conversation really civil, you can get to the reason why. TALK...it's cheap and it usually works.
Yeah... it's a real problem. Especially beacuse it's not because he CAN'T, it's because he WON'T. He does exercise and doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs, like I said in the original post - he's physically fit and all that. He doesn't take medication but I think he does have some mental blocks. He was an emotional wreck when we first got together and it has taken him a while to trust me. He still hangs onto his past and his sour relationships. I've asked him not to talk about his ex-girlfriends but he jut can't seem to stop. He doesn't do it for the purpose of upsetting me - I think he just really can't let go of the pain they've caused him. He also has social anxiety disorder. Actually... he doesn't do any drugs NOW... but he's done some pretty hard stuff in the past... maybe that's still affecting him???
You two have allowed your relationship to progress far into the physical intimacy arena and you are now operating at what I like to call "the most familiar plateau." This is not always good, but in your case, it may well be. Why? You're not going to want to hear this.
He's 31. He's male. You've dated long enough to reach "familiarity behavior" meaning you two aren't "pretending" with each other any more for the sake of the dating pursuit,
You now see how he is, how he treats you, how he responds in conflict, how he treats political issues, family, kids, all of it. You two should know all of this about each other by now.
And sex, you have meted out the sexual gauge and can honestly see how each other are as lovers, both giving and receiving.
You're of the belief, as are some of the people here who have responded, that he has a problem that needs to be solved. I understand your position, but it simply may not be true. You may have found his level of sexual proclivity and YOU are the one who has a decision to make. Is this enough, or not?
This isn't about love, it's about compatibility. If your different sexual appettites can't be reconciled, and no amount of therapy may ever make him interested in what you want in this area, then you need to be gently honest about it.
Your relationship isn't gauranteed alter-bound just because there is love. It's altar-bound because you two have decided you CAN LIVE with the big differences between you for the sake of everything else you have in common. It's a choice.
A reminder of a VERY true old saying: "Men and women enter marraige with different expectations. He marries the woman he loves hoping she'll never change...but she does. She marries the man she loves hoping he WILL change...and he doesn't."
Counseling and sex therapy and such are all fine ideas, but there is just much a chance that you will end up married to a man who hasn't changed in any way in this area and you are making each other miserable over it. That would be sad, because that doesnt' have to be the result.
You could opt to NOT get married and eventually wed someone more sexually compatible (both of you) and both be happier for it, or you could marry each other and accept the differences without making each other miserable over it. That would at least be more honest.
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