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    layla1985's Avatar
    layla1985 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 28, 2009, 01:18 PM
    My boyfriend cheated on me?
    Hi everyone

    I came across this website while I was googling and it seemed like there are many people here who would have gone through or are going through what I am going through right now. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now. When we were in the second year of our relationship and he was away for his degree in his final year he cheated on me. He slept with two different women and kissed 5 women more than once. He confessed to it about a year later. I felt like my whole world had come crashing down since I had been nothing but faithful to him even when I had many chances to stray. He cried and cried about how bad he felt hurting me like this and we decided we will try and work this out. That year passed with me giving him hell over what he did and after a lot of crying and heartache for both things started looking better. The problem is that its been three years since then and I still don't know if I trust him completely and have regularly gone through his emails and his phone messages I have not found anything suspicious but I still am not able to feel secure with him. I really don't want to be without him because I really really do love him but I just don't know how to handle this entire situation? Please help me here.
    mydogquestion's Avatar
    mydogquestion Posts: 232, Reputation: 21
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    #2

    Oct 28, 2009, 01:26 PM

    If you love him and he has not repeated his behavior stop looking for him too. The more you go through his things ,phone,emails,etc the more you are fixating on what he has done. Trust is something that will take time. Give him the chance to get your trust back. You will not get past it if you are trying to catch him.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,796, Reputation: 2674
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    #3

    Oct 28, 2009, 01:27 PM

    Layla, you have to move on from that incident. It was what, three years ago and you are still obsessing about it. He confessed, probably under duress (from the way your post sounds), and as you say was very very upset about the whole incident, bad judgment on his part.

    After three years of checking his private stuff you haven't come up with any more straying, right ? Well, just enjoy your time together now.

    If you still don't feel secure with him after all that time and you have no indication that he is being unfaithful, the balls in your court, layla, you need to get a grip on yourself.

    Tick
    layla1985's Avatar
    layla1985 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #4

    Oct 28, 2009, 01:40 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by tickle View Post
    layla, you have to move on from that incident. It was what, three years ago and you are still obsessing about it. He confessed, probably under duress (from the way your post sounds), and as you say was very very upset about the whole incident, bad judgment on his part.

    After three years of checking his private stuff you havent come up with any more straying, right ? Well, just enjoy your time together now.

    If you still dont feel secure with him after all that time and you have no indication that he is being unfaithful, the balls in your court, layla, you need to get a grip on yourself.

    tick
    I agree that the ball is in my court but about 2 years after the incident he told me he wants to break up. He told me that he has only been in a relationship with me (he was a virgin when he met me though I had been in a couple of relationships before)and he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship where ten years down the line he would regret not being with more people. He apologized to me for saying this the next day itself and then told me that he did not want to break up. This again completely shook me up and though its been a while since this happened but I am just not able to forget that he was thinking this. I just don't know if this is what is going to happen
    layla1985's Avatar
    layla1985 Posts: 3, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Oct 28, 2009, 01:52 PM

    I would also like to add here that at the time that my boyfriend was cheating on me there was this one guy who I really liked. He was one of the nicest people I ever met and on more that one occasion he told me that he wants to be with me. Even though I was attracted to him and he seemed perfect I never acted on these feelings because I was in a relationship and I was happy. After I found out what my boyfriend did I often wondered what it would have been like if I had agreed to go out with this guy and I know that he would have never cheated because he told me how strongly he is against it. Anyway now he is with someone else and is very happy and I have considered that chapter as closed. But I can never stop thinking what if? I really do love my boyfriend and do want to be with him but when we started dating he promised me that even if he feels attracted to some other girl he would break up with me before he would act on it. In fact it was his idea to say those words. But he never did that.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #6

    Oct 28, 2009, 01:55 PM

    He cheated and broke your heart,but you took him back and I assume with other rules and boundries in place.. if not forgive me.

    The thing is,you took him back.

    You said the words,but your actions are screaming,this is going to happen again,and I'm going to be ready...

    Your in a constant state of prepare for the worst mode.. and its not helping your relationship,in fact,I would guess,things were never the same.

    If you can't accept what's done is done,and you agreed to give it another shot,maybe its time to get out.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #7

    Oct 29, 2009, 08:30 PM

    You haven't let go, and are acting out of fear, but if you take a minute next time you have those feelings, and think before you act, slowly you will get yourself under control.
    Romefalls19's Avatar
    Romefalls19 Posts: 4,739, Reputation: 1130
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    #8

    Oct 30, 2009, 07:42 AM

    Every time you get these feelings, take a deep breathe and think about how to react. Right now you are acting out of impulse, which only leads to bad things. Take a step back and regain your sense of bearings.
    I wish's Avatar
    I wish Posts: 5,296, Reputation: 2030
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    #9

    Oct 30, 2009, 08:30 AM

    If both of you are constantly thinking about the "what ifs," then it sounds to me that this relationship is bound to end.

    In a healthy relationship, the couple might get the occasional "what ifs," but not as a consistent feeling. A healthy relationship is not filled with doubts or concerns.

    Furthermore, it sounds like the longer you are together, the more regrets you will accumulate for not breaking up and maybe trying things out with someone else.

    What you need is to take a break from this relationship. Gain some perspective before making a decision.

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