Boyfriend bringing up my past whenever we fight

1dashawn · Aug 30, 2009, 02:11 PM

Many guys are that way, it mostly beaus there afraid or just insecure and nervous of there own personal secrets that haven't been exposed yet. The best thing to do during a argument that has no meaning and is pointless is to walk away saying nothing, cause it takes two to pass words and no one likes to talk to themselves. That way if there is a truth that's not being spoken about that silence will bring a guilt and and truth to light, you can't change the past but you can assure happiness in your future think about it. Best wishes.

N0help4u · Aug 30, 2009, 02:54 PM

I agree with the others you need to put him on the spot when he brings it up. When he tries and turn the tables to make the argument about your past you tell him If you don't want me then WHY are you with me! Don't let him bully you, stand up for yourself and tell him that the conversation is about xxxxx not about your past.

MarieLee89 · Aug 30, 2009, 10:59 PM

Number one, you should probably think about how much of his past do you know? Number two, from what is happening now, he will keep trying to use guilt on you for the rest of relationship. If he can't forget a past he had nothing to do with, then screw him. Number three, just an opinion based on experiences by myself and girlfriends of mine, this has potential to turn into an abusive relationship. He has a hold on you and once he is secure with that he may move into more harsh psychological crud and it just progresses. Just be careful and take a look at where the relationship is going. If he proved himself incapable of breaking his pattern, is it really worth it?

1099669 · Aug 31, 2009, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bonita--

He treats me really good except for when we fight, that's when he lets it all out. Other than that he's a very good boyfriend so I don't want to throw it all away. He never used to be like this, when we used to fight he would keep things inside and he wouldn't yell at me but then he changed and now every time we fight he screams at me and my past is usually brought up too.

WARNING! I'd say 90% of the domestic dispute calls I respond to end up with the man being arrested and the woman not pressing charges. And you know what, I usually end up back at the same house at a later date. All of these disputes begin verbally. I understand you love him, but you are an adult and you need to understand that your past bothers him, otherwise it would not keep coming up.
Please be careful. From what I've seen, by the time the physical abuse starts, the females are so broken down and have an extremely poor vision of themselves, they do not think they can find love else where so they don't want to loose the only man that could possibly "LOVE" them.
What you have done is what you have done. Water under the bridge. You can not change your past. I believe we learn from our past (not only our mistakes) and this shapes the human being we become.

Humankind is enhanced by learning from human beings who face and overcome fears, not those cowering to them.

My suggestion to you is leave now. You do not deserve to be treated poorly.

s_cianci · Aug 31, 2009, 07:21 AM

This is verbal and emotional abuse and may (and probably will) get worse. I think you should get yourself out of this situation and cut all ties with him. He does not love you or respect you.

MarieLee89 · Aug 31, 2009, 09:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1099669

WARNING! I'd say 90% of the domestic dispute calls I respond to end up with the man being arrested and the woman not pressing charges. And you know what, I usually end up back at the same house at a later date. All of these disputes begin verbally. I understand you love him, but you are an adult and you need to understand that your past bothers him, otherwise it would not keep coming up.
Please be careful. From what I've seen, by the time the physical abuse starts, the females are so broken down and have an extremely poor vision of themselves, they do not think they can find love else where so they don't want to loose the only man that could possibly "LOVE" them.
What you have done is what you have done. Water under the bridge. You can not change your past. I believe we learn from our past (not only our mistakes) and this shapes the human being we become.

Humankind is enhanced by learning from human beings who face and overcome fears, not those cowering to them.

My suggestion to you is leave now. You do not deserve to be treated poorly.

Thank you-that is what I was trying to say myself without putting in my own assumptions of the relationship.

Bonita-- · Sep 1, 2009, 01:25 AM

Thank you all for replies. I realized that what he's doing isn't right at all. When I first got with him I lied to him about my past because I was scared he would leave me if I told him the truth. We were bestfriends for many years before we got together so I had been lying to him for years but when we got together I felt I wanted to be honest about everything so I told him. I knew it wasn't right that he would bring it up but I let him because I felt guilty for lying to him and I also felt guilty for doing it. After the other night I realized it isn't right and he has to stop. I showed him the comments you all have said and we also had a talk about it and I told him I don't want him to bring it up anymore and if he does it again then I won't take it. I've never really told him not to talk about it before, I would get mad but I wouldn't tell him it's wrong and he needs to stop. Now he knows that I had enough of it and I want it to stop so we'll see what happens. I'm not ready to throw away our relationship because I haven't given him a chance to change yet. I appreciate everyone's advice, as I said I've showed my boyfriend what everyone has said because I think he needed to see it from other people's perspectives.

amicon · Sep 1, 2009, 01:35 AM

I hope it works out for U.Keep us posted.

talaniman · Sep 1, 2009, 07:24 AM

I understand your willing to give him a chance, but be just as willing to dump him, if things don't change for the better.

danac22 · Sep 1, 2009, 08:40 AM

Edited

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...lk-303157.html

If from the beginning he knew about your past and decided to maintain a relationship then why is he so dramatic!

Even if you were different in the past and liked to have a good time he shouldn't bring it up especially if you haven't been like that now that you are with him. Somebody who truly cares about you would have talked to you about that from the beginning, actually not even! He should of just said well that's the past and he should only care about the present cause that's your issues and your business not his or anyone else's instead of bring it up every time you get in a fight.

And girl please if he's yelling all that unnecessary crap in front of all those people why would you even think about giving him another chance. If you keep forgiving him then he's going to think its ok to do it cause you wont´t leave him.

Boyfriend bringing up my past whenever we fight

Check out some similar questions!