Asked Oct 5, 2008, 06:44 PM
I'm 27 years old, and I've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now (he's 28). The first few months we were together, he was the sweetest and most charming man ever! (but isn't every guy that way at first?)
He's been taking on a few extra projects for work the past 4-5 months (he could use the extra cash), but it has been taking A LOT of quality time away from us. When I go over to his house, he stays on the computer ALL night working on projects (he's a graphic/web designer). I don't remember the last time I fell asleep with
him laying next to me. It's gotten to the point where we only see each other on weekends now, and even then, he still has "work" to do on his computer, so I'll just lay on his bed watching TV (and the back of his head) while he's doing his work. And, we only have casual 15 minute sex once a week (if I'm lucky).
Because I know he's working, I understand that he's spending all this time on the computer, but I've told him kindly several times that he should try to make more time for "us", and that intimacy and quality time together is important to making a relationship last. So he'll make time for me for a night, then go back to his "work" on the computer.
This is how our coversations have become lately:
Me- I need to talk to you.
Him- About what?
Me- I need to talk to you about the way I'm feeling. I feel like you don't care to make enough time for "us" anymore. Why don't you treat me like you used to? It seems like you've changed.
Him- You're the one who's changed. You don't treat me like I deserve, so why should I treat you any better? All you do is complain about everything. You imagine things and then want to discuss them.
Me- I'm not going to let you make me feel bad about standing up for myself and speaking my mind, you're manipulating my words.
Him- You're imaging things. Go make yourself happy, then come talk to me.
Me- I'm happy, but I'm just not happy with the way our relationship is going. I'm trying to communicate with you so we can make things better.
Him - I'm fine, you're the one who isn't happy!
Me- Then why won't you try to make "us" happy? (make some time for "us")
Him- I am trying, you just won't allow yourself to be happy!
Me- Why are you always blaming everything on me?
Him- because it is you, you're the one who is always starting stuff, you're the one who is always bringing this and that up! I don't come at you with anything. There is nothing going on, you just don't want to be happy!
From there, he will start calling me names like b*tch, stupid, psycho, emotional, pessimistic, etc, and tell me to "shut the **** up" at the top of his lungs. I admit, I have slapped him for saying those hurtful words to me, then he bites me even harder by shoving me and tackling me to the ground (but not hitting me). Nevertheless, I start crying, because I'm hurt and confused. Then he'll tell me that he wants to be alone so he can have some peace and quite. Once he gets his alone time, he'll talk to me the next day as if nothing happened.
These are the type of conversations I deal with when I try to talk to him about problems. This is so painful, I feel like I can't talk to him about anything. I'm hoping he will go back to being the sweet man he used to be when I fell in love with him. That's the only thing that's keeping me here with him.
Am I doing anything wrong? Is it not right of me to want to spend quality time with him (preferably more than once or twice a week)? Should I handle the situation differently? Should I just leave him? I don't want to lose him, but is there any hope of rekindling this relationship?