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I am new here, but totally heartbroken & lost, and really need guy’s view point & everyone's advice. Thanks for help in advance...
I am 27, in 1.5 years of relationship with my bf of 28 yrs old, and I love him so much. We exchanged our promise ring, and talk about getting married in a year or so. Recently, I felt he became distant. Last night, I could not reach him at all, and realized he was not available every Friday night lately. So, I did my research, and guess what, I found out he posted his profile on multiple dating sites, and has been active. I was heart broken.
I confronted him with tears today. I told him I have been faithful for him since we met, and he should do the same thing for me. He was upset about my confrontation, and told me that he would marry me someday but now, and he likes to explore 1or 2 years to see what else is out there. He told me he would be faithful once marred, and that’s why he needed the experience right now. He is telling me that he will still see me every weekend, even though he is trying to see someone else, and I should not take it as a big deal (?). He is also saying that he does not like a promiscuous girl, and I should stay with him no matter what he does. He told me “You are telling me you are not interested in anyone, I will marry you in a couple of years anyway, and you should be with me.” I was speechless, and asked him to leave. He was very upset, slammed the door, and left me even without apology.
I had a sleepless night, and I have cried all day long. I was in denial, but now I know he has been cheated on me. How could he do it to me? I am totally shocked and confused. I am very angry, and my brain is keep telling me that I should break up with this cruel person right now. However I am so scared to loose him. My heart says I should be with him unconditionally. I love him so much, I will regret if I loose him. What should I do? I am totally lost and need help big time. Can you please give me any advice? What should I do?
Rebecca, I am always hesitant to post on your thread, but I just want to say your attitude about this is admirable. You did nothing wrong and you can be proud of the way you are reacting to this. The sorrow you feel is totally appropriate – it’s the loss of a dream. I think you have learned a lot from this experience, and it will make you a stronger person who knows better what she wants in a relationship and in life. It will take time to completely come to terms with what has happened. Don’t feel weak because of this – it further shows what a thoughtful and caring person you are. I know how it feels to be more comfortable at home for the moment, but I hope you think about getting out in the fresh air and enjoying the great outdoors. Even taking a walk can bring you a lot of peace of mind and help you sleep better at night. Take care.
Just Looking,
How is your healing process going? I hope everything is well with you. Thanks for giving me such a kind words, while you are still having bruises from your incident. I hope as your burses goes away, your heart heals completely, and be happy again. You are one of my favorites on this board, I know you are such a special & sweet person, I admire you & your words. Please feel free to give advice, as I always love your post. Why would you be hesitant? I love your photo. You look really nice in the photo…
You exactly know what I am going through. It touches me how you accurately know my feeling. The sorrow I feel is totally appropriate – it’s the loss of a dream. I had the belief that I was with the right man whom I want be with for life long. I stared at him with love & respect, I treated him with affection, I gave all my passion, and I was simply proud of being with him. I thought I had it all in my hand what I wanted from a man. As the man turned out to be a cheap cheater, my dream broke into many pieces. The saddest part is, it is not repairable!!! It seems the breakup was inevitable since the beautiful dream was already broken already when he cheated on me. I just did not know it. To me, knowing that fact was the hardest step, and it made me really sick and helpless.
I am fighting against the empty feeling with my bear heart. It seems there is no way I can speed up the healing process. It is all right. I do not mind to be lonely. I rather to be lonely by myself . I read my own post on this board, I found I worried about the ring just after I broke up. I do not care about the ring anymore. The dream is broken, and why is the ring matter? I guess I was very obsessed with the idea of marriage and nostalgic... It is all broken.
Thanks for care about me and giving me your kind word. I agree I should not dwell in my cave too long. I do not want to be a cave woman in a Geico commercial.
I hoped I could take a get away trip with my dear friend, but I changed my mind. She is busy professional, and she has fiancé now, I better not to interrupt her sweet engagement period. I just booked a trip for my self. I am going to Bermuda for a week before end of year.
Just Looking,
Do you know there is a "must see" for every visitor to Bahama Island, and it is the Perfume Factory? The factory is located in an elegant old Bahamian mansion, they grow beautiful plants in their back yard, and make perfumes in the place. I hope you can see the picture below. I will mix my own special fragrance, bottle it and name it. It will be lovely, and I like to smell good. It will be nice to do some sightseeing & get some sun too.
I will not go anywhere, deal with it without denial. I decided to be getting better in my own way. Thanks everyone. You are owesome. I feel lucky to have you!
I’m doing better daily. I’ve been in counseling for 3 weeks now. When I first got out of the hospital I could only walk a half mile every other day. I am now walking 2 miles a day. I bought a new car on Thursday to replace the one that was wrecked that night, so I feel more independent again. On Thursday, I also went out for dinner for the first time in over 3 weeks. That’s not to say I sat at home alone during those 3 weeks – I had many visits from friends, but I just didn’t feel comfortable being seen by strangers. On Saturday I am attending a black-tie dinner/dance. I still have bruising and I have scars, but I bought a beautiful new dress that covers the scars and most of the bruises, and visited a makeup counter where they showed me how to cover the bruises on my face. Now I’m looking forward to a night out, dinner and dancing.
Like you, after my breakup I also planned a vacation. I am still going, leaving in 12 days for 2 weeks in Hawaii where I will be visiting an old college friend who lives there. Following that, I’ll be in Los Angeles for a week, including Thanksgiving, visiting family and friends. When I return home, I will have a doctor’s visit and expect to be cleared to go back to work. If so, I’ll either go back December 1 or 7. Mainly, I am getting on with my life. Your trip sounds great. I hope you enjoy it.
I had those same feelings as you, but as someone pointed out to me I am lucky I found out the true man before we were married and had children. Chances are that you and I were both going to go thru what we did eventually, so it’s better it has happened now. I think we are both going to find the lives we want. We have both learned so much.
My friends, including those on this site, have been a huge help providing me with advice, hope, laughter, and direction. I know that you have benefitted as well. Continue using this resource, as needed. I know the people here benefit also by knowing they are helping and by seeing your progress. I couldn’t have done it without them, at least not in as healthy a way as I am. Don’t be afraid to cry or be sad, but also have times of happiness and hope. I know you are doing this, but continue to think positively and think about what you really want in life. I feel confident that I am emerging as a better person.
I had those same feelings as you, but as someone pointed out to me I am lucky I found out the true man before we were married and had children. Chances are that you and I were both going to go thru what we did eventually, so it’s better it has happened now. I think we are both going to find the lives we want. We have both learned so much.
My friends, including those on this site, have been a huge help providing me with advice, hope, laughter, and direction. I know that you have benefited as well. Continue using this resource, as needed. I know the people here benefit also by knowing they are helping and by seeing your progress. I couldn’t have done it without them, at least not in as healthy a way as I am. Don’t be afraid to cry or be sad, but also have times of happiness and hope. I know you are doing this, but continue to think positively and think about what you really want in life. I feel confident that I am emerging as a better person.
Just Looking,
It is nice to hear from you, and I am glad you made such a good progress in healing. Counseling, new car, vacation to Hawaii & L.A., and black-tie dinner/dance…all sound great and very promising. I am confident you are getting on with your life in the happiest way from now on.
Your breakup was inevitable as like mine. I am so glad you are free from the worst abusive relationship before it is getting worse. As you say, I have to think Gad saved us from the further disaster & waste of life before it is too late. Let’s live with the way what it is supposed to be. Nobody should be a victim of bad relationship even for a moment, suffer from it for any reason. I have read so many posts here on board as you suggested, and found out so many cases with the exact same patterns, which is innocent people are suffering and wasting their lives because of their abusive partners in bad relationships. I am just angry about the unfair fact. It really opens my eyes, and enforce my self realization. I almost think I want to do something to save those people. I guess that’s why you are giving lectures to college kids. To have a place to vent by itself is a big benefit, and I am getting better everyday by pouring myself here and get emotional support from nice people. I feel like I am reshaping myself. I am confident about my choice, and I know what to choose for my happiness.
I am glad you stand tall. I cannot wait o see your complete healing. Your next chapter will be full of “pure joy & happiness”. I will follow your path. I am just behind of you.
Hi everyone,
As you guys recommended, I decided to take myself out today.
I put skinny jeans, high heel boots, blue tank top & leather jacket with huge dangling earrings. I wear pony tails for change. I feel already healed a lot, when I see myself look good in mirror. It is my first day out as purely single after the breakup 4 weeks ago.
I am going to have a good time. Wish me a good luck!
Hi everyone,
As you guys recommended, I decided to take myself out today.
I put skinny jeans, high heel boots, blue tank top & leather jacket with huge dangling earrings. I wear pony tails for change. I feel already healed a lot, when I see myself look good in mirror. It is my first day out as purely single after the breakup 4 weeks ago.
I am going to have a good time. Wish me a good luck!
Have fun! I may have to follow your lead this time.
I thought I was confused upon the unimaginable treatment, but indeed I am not the one really confused. He is. He lived in his illusion. Maybe still he does. He understood my grace as weakness, gentle nature as low self-esteem, sweet nature as a sign of no-resistance.
This is exactly right. I love the way you put this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by confusedrebecca
... I am aware of that he could be violent if he wants to be when he gets angry. He picked up a fight when a guy stared me at a club one night. However, he constantly has displayed that he deeply despises men abuser who physically hurt women in his many legal trials, and I have to think physical enforcement will not likely happen between us.
Unfortunately, men who are violent to women often speak disparagingly of other men's violence against women. Other men are "pigs," etc, but their own behavior they excuse on various pretexts. So don't go by his attitudes towards other men's behavior.
On the other hand, I would trust your gut feeling. According to one study, where they were looking for ways to predict violence against women, the single best predictor of male violence was the woman's gut feeling, or level of fear. If she was afraid of him, she usually turned out to have a reason to be. None of the "objective" measures predicted as well as that.
I'm glad you are being careful. I know I am nagging. Sorry.
Hi everyone, I had a long busy day yesterday I need to update you.
When I left my building in the morning, Dexter saw my good mood, gave me a big smile & a thumb up. I like Dexter. He cares about people.
In front of the parking lot, I ran over a neighbor, who was walking his dog, a beautiful Alaskan Husky. I had a small chat with him, and I found out he was a surgeon (resident) of a near by hospital. I could not miss his occupation, since he was wearing green scrub. I asked if there was any volunteer work in the hospital, and he promised to find it out for me. So, here we go. Opportunity opens up by itself.
I attended church. I missed church for long time, since I was dating my ex. It felt good to see the familiar faces. I am going back to the routine before I met my ex.
I went to a shopping mall, had my nail done, and did some shopping. It was also nice I accidentally met my high school friend in the mall, and we had eaten together at the food court. I hate to eat alone as anybody else. She was airy and chatty, gave me useful real estate information. (She is in real estate business.) She told me that it is trend for young professional females to buy condominiums by themselves while they are single. Hmmm… interesting. Should I consider?
I bought a nice bedding set at the mall. I am going to re decorate my apartment to make myself busy & have fun. I love decorating. I am going to treat myself well, and sleep in a beautiful bed.
I stopped by my parents’ house. I found out my ex has contacted my parents for the past weeks, confessed his sin, and asked them to help him to reconcile with me. Of course, my ex downsized the issue. My parents told me that they respect my decision, and will support whatever decision I make. My father still plays golf with my ex’s father. They are aware of our issue, but let us sort it out, and sort of monitoring us in distance.
My mother seems do not understand the depth of issue very well. She told me my ex did very wrong doing, he called many times to ask help, and my mother told me she scolded & blamed him whenever he called (???!!!) My mother told me that my ex seemed desperate & deeply regretful, should learn the lesson, and will behave from now on. Huh??? She apparently moved by my ex’s desperate crying over the phone. She also updated me that my ex is taking depression medication. hmmm... looser.... She thinks it is not impossible to reconcile since my ex claimed he did not really cheat on me (means sleep with other girls). Huh??? I am lost. She is not in online dating generation, and completely out of touch… I love my mother, but it is hard to convince her right now…She needs to visit this site. It dampened my spirit.
I got home by 11 pm. I got the note from my ex from doorman. The note says, “I came to pick you up to go to the Dave’s party (as we planned long time ago). I understand you need fresh air. Hope you have a good day, and come home safely. Don’t be too late. I miss you & love you. Everybody will miss you in the party. XOXOXO” Huh??? Is he in amnesia? Did he forget our breakup? If he was so caring, why did he cheat on me? BS! I do not register a single word he says. I had a couple of voice mails from my ex regarding to the party. Whatever... I do not care anymore…
The good news is I forgot about the Dave’s warming up party completely! I am glad. It used be a big deal, but now I even do not remember. I must make a good progress.
I had a good sleep like a baby last night.
Thank you for cheering me up to go out, everyone.
I feel much better, and feel energized.
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