I am new here, but totally heartbroken & lost, and really need guy’s view point & everyone's advice. Thanks for help in advance...
I am 27, in 1.5 years of relationship with my bf of 28 yrs old, and I love him so much. We exchanged our promise ring, and talk about getting married in a year or so. Recently, I felt he became distant. Last night, I could not reach him at all, and realized he was not available every Friday night lately. So, I did my research, and guess what, I found out he posted his profile on multiple dating sites, and has been active. I was heart broken.
I confronted him with tears today. I told him I have been faithful for him since we met, and he should do the same thing for me. He was upset about my confrontation, and told me that he would marry me someday but now, and he likes to explore 1or 2 years to see what else is out there. He told me he would be faithful once marred, and that’s why he needed the experience right now. He is telling me that he will still see me every weekend, even though he is trying to see someone else, and I should not take it as a big deal (?). He is also saying that he does not like a promiscuous girl, and I should stay with him no matter what he does. He told me “You are telling me you are not interested in anyone, I will marry you in a couple of years anyway, and you should be with me.” I was speechless, and asked him to leave. He was very upset, slammed the door, and left me even without apology.
I had a sleepless night, and I have cried all day long. I was in denial, but now I know he has been cheated on me. How could he do it to me? I am totally shocked and confused. I am very angry, and my brain is keep telling me that I should break up with this cruel person right now. However I am so scared to loose him. My heart says I should be with him unconditionally. I love him so much, I will regret if I loose him. What should I do? I am totally lost and need help big time. Can you please give me any advice? What should I do?
yes, i have to admit rebecca,that perhaps taking time out to heal and gather yourself is good start.
i think everyone who views your thread would have concerns for your safety regarding your ex.
i crave time on my own,and need it to be mentally strong and also to reflect.
although in saying that,since i found AMHD,ive become totally addicted! and free time is sitting at the computer.
in saying that,i have a hunger for knowledge and always learn something from other posters,its quite amazing how this site and the people here get under your skin.
redhed35,
I agree with you all you said. Craving is necessary to reflect what I learned into me, and it makes me a better person. See, that’s how you become so wonderful woman.
I happily agree that this site is truly amazing, and I cannot believe my luck I could meet these wonderful & wise people here anytime!!!! It implies you are one of the amazing people in my list too. When I posted my divesting story, you gave me the straight answer almost instantaneously. That changed the whole direction, and my confusion was gone already. You do not even know how much I appreciate you.
So, this site alone, I already got rewarded from my breakup. If I did not suffer the incident, I would not find this treasure land. I also admit it is addictive!!! Ha Ha. However, it is good addiction, we learn about ourselves & the real life story nobody even talk about it in public anywhere in this earth. I also learned we actually can help people who really seek “the help” in confusion & crisis. My only regret is I should find it long time ago. I need to tell you, you are doing the great job to help people as you assume. Please keep enjoying your addiction, and help others please.
Regarding to safety, I appreciate everyone concerns me more than my friends. It feels so nice to know that there are so many nice people out there, help each other, and care about each other truly. It makes me more positive about this world. Should I worry about my safety though? He was cheater, but not attacker. I do not feel physically threatened. He has no mental illness history, highly educated successful man. What do you think?
i think that even the most stable educated person can lose there grip on reality, when confusion,fear and a feeling of 'why is she/he doing this to me?'and a feeling of 'what did i do to deserve this'? permeates their conscious all sense of right and wrong goes out the window..
im not above admitting that i have in the past succummed to anger and lashed out...
from what your posting on his behaviour, to me,it sounds like he is gearing up,not letting go..
although,i say this coming from my own experience,each breakup creates its own ripple effect.
Rebecca, if the phone call was from him, it may be that this past week has been the lull before the storm starts back up again. Please be careful and keep your eyes open.
There is absolutely no weakness in admitting that you need advice and help. Everything needs a good support system and foundation. Think about any of the 'strongest' structures on Earth and how much support they need to be stay strong.
I do still think you need to be honest with your father at the very least. You need someone you trust who can deal with anything that happens as quickly as possilbe to be aware of everything that is going on. I know you want to be a mature adult and handle your own problems. This is a part of being that adult.
Now, that I have given my lecture can I offer everyone a big hug?
Rebecca, if the phone call was from him, it may be that this past week has been the lull before the storm starts back up again. Please be careful and keep your eyes open.
There is absolutely no weakness in admitting that you need advice and help. Everything needs a good support system and foundation. Think about any of the 'strongest' structures on Earth and how much support they need to be stay strong.
I do still think you need to be honest with your father at the very least. You need someone you trust who can deal with anything that happens as quickly as possilbe to be aware of everything that is going on. I know you want to be a mature adult and handle your own problems. This is a part of being that adult.
Now, that I have given my lecture can I offer everyone a big hug?
Yes, Cat1864,
I will consider your advice. And we ALL need yor BIG HUG 100 times. HUG....
Rebecca, what you are doing is great, really great. This site is actually really helpful. Get the help you need, then help some more people. Don't think you're alone we're all here thinking for your own good.
Rebecca,
This has been a great exchange, but I want to add to others who are urging you to tell real people in your life what is going on and to take safety precautions. It's not that we aren't real, but that because this is anonymous we can't help you in real time if your ex does something.
None of us can know for sure if he is capable of violence. But there are things you've said that make some of us think it's a possibility. What determines whether a man will be violent against a woman, is not education or mental illness. This is WELL researched. Educated men are just as likely to do this. Think of Just Looking if you want a recent example. My own ex, who broke my arm, was a tenured university professor. The rate of mental illness is not higher among abusive men than among non abusive men. (Mental illness may result in worse violence, but not in whether it happens.)
One important predictor of violence is Entitlement, the sense a person has that they are better than other people and deserve things. Many men are raised to think that women are meant to do for them to be there for them when they want them. Your ex has shown a HIGH degree of Entitlement. Think of this idea he had that he could just put you on hold while he sowed his wild oats. How much more entitled can you get than that? I'll tell you: thinking you can do that and SAY IT to you. He felt entitled to cheat and entitled to defend his cheating when you confronted him. In his view, you are a possession. I suspect he was really surprised when you stood up for yourself because you are probably mostly really nice. Being dumped didn't feel nice to him.
His self image may be that he's a nice guy, but in his mind, your refusal to do what you are supposed to do, go back and behave, is "forcing" him to not be nice. When violent men are interviewed later, they always insist that they were forced to be violent by the woman's actions. They say things like, "She wouldn't get in the car; she was acting crazy, so I had to hit her." They actually feel it's their JOB to control the women in their lives.
Please, please confide in your family and closest friends that he was unfaithful (and it doesn't matter exactly how far that went) and that he has been stalking you. You don't need to share all the details. It is not a reflection on you that he is behaving this way. Please do not let pride put you in jeopardy.
One important predictor of violence is Entitlement, the sense a person has that they are better than other people and deserve things. Many men are raised to think that women are meant to do for them to be there for them when they want them. Your ex has shown a HIGH degree of Entitlement. Think of this idea he had that he could just put you on hold while he sowed his wild oats. How much more entitled can you get than that? I'll tell you: thinking you can do that and SAY IT to you. He felt entitled to cheat and entitled to defend his cheating when you confronted him. In his view, you are a possession. I suspect he was really surprised when you stood up for yourself because you are probably mostly really nice. Being dumped didn't feel nice to him.
Dear asking,
Asking,
I follow you, you are well said from your valuable experience as usual, and I agree with you. Thank you for taking your time, think about my situation in detail, and giving me warm note & precious advice. You are so considerate and caring. Yes, I will be very very cautious!
I agree he had high degree of entitlement. He is well aware of that he is a man with a desirable package (only surface though), and he can get attention from any girls. He thinks he is better than others, and since he chose me, I have to appreciate to be his choice and stick with him. For him, he did not feel like he has to loose the entitlement even he still wants to play around. I knew he set him as the first degree citizen, and tried to make me as second degree citizen who has less freedom & choice, and have to take whatever the fist class citizen give. This setting will only work if the second degree citizen accepts it. I am not the second degree citizen at all. Far from it. Every single woman is equally good enough to be the first class citizen. I do not need my master to obey. I am only laughing at his false hope which is way off from norm. I realized it well on the day I found out his cheating.
On the day of break, I only said a single word. “L.E.AV.E!”
That was it. I offered no further discussion, no chances for him to continue lay out his excuses. I even washed my lips and hands with soaps in front of him to humiliate him. I knew exactly what I was doing, and I did it intentionally to kill his ego. It was clear message that I just downgraded him as a dirty pig which I do not even want to touch anymore. I was in fierce, and did not want to degrade my soul to be involved in such a low level of relationship or argument. Please be aware of that it was not come from arrogance, but justice. I came on this board as lost feeling, but got 100% support, and I was very happy & encouraged about the action I made prior to join board.
I do not feel like I am dumper though. If he thinks that way, it is a huge mistake, and he is pointing his finger to me not to him. It is nonsense. Even though I technically dumped him, he was the one has cheated on me, so it meant he has dumped me for months behind of my back in fact. He has no right to be angry, and no mouth to speak. If he ever gets angry, even though he was not good enough to do it anyway, that is because I did not give him a chance to apologize, and I did not listen what he wanted to say afterwards. My life is precious, and I do not want to spare any more moments to listen to the BS.
I thought I was confused upon the unimaginable treatment, but indeed I am not the one really confused. He is. He lived in his illusion. Maybe still he does. He understood my grace as weakness, gentle nature as low self-esteem, sweet nature as a sign of no-resistance.
As you pointed out, I am aware of that he could be violent if he wants to be when he gets angry. He picked up a fight when a guy stared me at a club one night. However, he constantly has displayed that he deeply despises men abuser who physically hurt women in his many legal trials, and I have to think physical enforcement will not likely happen between us.
But I am getting smarter. Talking is easy, and everybody has limits, while he/she likes to say only something nice. He never told me he would cheat on me either, and I need to be aware of the possibility to protect myself. I honestly am foreseeing he will try to see me in person at least one more time before he makes complete drawback. He might be resentful or frustrated by now. He might even simply try to hurt me as revenge (even though he has no right for revenge after he has done the cheating) since he cannot have me anymore, and I will likely end up with a lucky man in future. I will do my best to protect me for any worst scenario. I hinted my break up to my parents. My father is wise man, and he knows how and he does everything to protect me. I am safe.
I am learning a lot in these days more than I could imagine. Obviously there were too many things I did no know before. Thank you again.
See, how nice my weekend goes without him...
Rebecca, what you are doing is great, really great. This site is actually really helpful. Get the help you need, then help some more people. Don't think you're alone we're all here thinking for your own good.
Rebecca, I am always hesitant to post on your thread, but I just want to say your attitude about this is admirable. You did nothing wrong and you can be proud of the way you are reacting to this. The sorrow you feel is totally appropriate – it’s the loss of a dream. I think you have learned a lot from this experience, and it will make you a stronger person who knows better what she wants in a relationship and in life. It will take time to completely come to terms with what has happened. Don’t feel weak because of this – it further shows what a thoughtful and caring person you are. I know how it feels to be more comfortable at home for the moment, but I hope you think about getting out in the fresh air and enjoying the great outdoors. Even taking a walk (with a friend or at your parents house, perhaps) can bring you a lot of peace of mind and help you sleep better at night. Take care.
HUG....
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