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I am new here, but totally heartbroken & lost, and really need guy’s view point & everyone's advice. Thanks for help in advance...
I am 27, in 1.5 years of relationship with my bf of 28 yrs old, and I love him so much. We exchanged our promise ring, and talk about getting married in a year or so. Recently, I felt he became distant. Last night, I could not reach him at all, and realized he was not available every Friday night lately. So, I did my research, and guess what, I found out he posted his profile on multiple dating sites, and has been active. I was heart broken.
I confronted him with tears today. I told him I have been faithful for him since we met, and he should do the same thing for me. He was upset about my confrontation, and told me that he would marry me someday but now, and he likes to explore 1or 2 years to see what else is out there. He told me he would be faithful once marred, and that’s why he needed the experience right now. He is telling me that he will still see me every weekend, even though he is trying to see someone else, and I should not take it as a big deal (?). He is also saying that he does not like a promiscuous girl, and I should stay with him no matter what he does. He told me “You are telling me you are not interested in anyone, I will marry you in a couple of years anyway, and you should be with me.” I was speechless, and asked him to leave. He was very upset, slammed the door, and left me even without apology.
I had a sleepless night, and I have cried all day long. I was in denial, but now I know he has been cheated on me. How could he do it to me? I am totally shocked and confused. I am very angry, and my brain is keep telling me that I should break up with this cruel person right now. However I am so scared to loose him. My heart says I should be with him unconditionally. I love him so much, I will regret if I loose him. What should I do? I am totally lost and need help big time. Can you please give me any advice? What should I do?
I am worried about you. Please, please talk to an attorney and plan to get a restraining order. It is your ex's fault if his reputation is damaged. You have repeatedly asked to be left alone and he has completely ignored your requests. He still does not respect you. He thinks he can do as he likes. You are entitled to protect yourself. If relations between the families was important to HIM he wouldn't be doing this. It's not your job to protect him from himself.
Also, do NOT wait for specific threats. There is no reason to assume he'll warn you before escalating to an assault or personal confrontation of some kind. I entreat you to take this more seriously. The funeral flowers have taken this beyond drama to cracked and very dark. If this was a romantic comedy, it might be funny. But real life isn't like that. Take this seriously.
Please follow Just Looking's advice and have an attorney serve him a with a cease and desist letter tomorrow. And go quickly to a restraining order if he doesn't IMmediately cease all contact. You are being harassed and forced to live in fear. This has been going on too long.
I kind of disagree, it may escalate the situation. It may go as a shock to your ex and he may become violent. Even if she had a court order to restrain him, he could still hurt her. I think that if she does that, he will become desperate and do something irrationel. I think it is much better to wait it out, he will get bored and he will get better. If he continues for 2-3 weeks and doesn't stop, then by all means put a restraining order on him.
I kind of disagree, it may escalate the situation. It may go as a shock to your ex and he may become violent. Even if she had a court order to restrain him, he could still hurt her. I think that if she does that, he will become desperate and do something irrationel. I think it is much better to wait it out, he will get bored and he will get better. If he continues for 2-3 weeks and doesn't stop, then by all means put a restraining order on him.
paxe, IF he keeps going the way he is, I don't think she has a 2-3 weeks before he escalates matters again.
This is enough for me to say send the letter:
Quote:
The flower had a huge black ribbon just like it was for funeral.
The card says,
“I died inside of me since you dumped me. Can you see me bleeding? Would you care for saving a life please?”
Even he picked up a funeral card, and drew a heart with his own handwriting on the card next to the black roses.
He is sending himself over the edge. I don't want him taking her with along.
Rebecca, I am not sure he sees a difference between your security and privacy and your safety. What worries me is that he may try to find a way to 'manufacture' a crisis to try to 'save' you from or that you would feel compelled to 'save' him from.
Another concern is that he will try to get physical to get you to listen to him. Under that thought your safety won't be his concern. His own desire to 'get through to you' will be.
I kind of disagree, it may escalate the situation. It may go as a shock to your ex and he may become violent. Even if she had a court order to restrain him, he could still hurt her. I think that if she does that, he will become desperate and do something irrationel. I think it is much better to wait it out, he will get bored and he will get better. If he continues for 2-3 weeks and doesn't stop, then by all means put a restraining order on him.
Well it has been three weeks, and this guy is not getting bored. Instead, he is obsessing and thinking up weirder and weirder things to do to dramatize his "need".
First of all he is dating a woman he expects to be faithful but he is strangely not available Friday nights because he's got his picture on a dating site and having regular friday night dates with other women. When Rebecca confronts him, he defends himself by saying that he will eventually get around to marrying her and to just sit tight while he has some fun.
When she dumps him, instead of taking it like a man, he goes from totally dissing her to completely wussing out, weeping and acting needy and desperate. Nows he's escalated to confronting her in a parking lot outside work, calling her while drunk to "propose," and sending bizarre "presents." He has fallen completely to pieces. I think he's already in "shock" that a woman would set limits with him. He is doing everything he can to prove that that can't happen, imagining that he can win her back and this horror (not being allowed to do whatever he likes) will be over. It's all about him. This is the Drama Emperor Extraordinaire.
It is high time to put him on notice that he is courting arrest. I'm not sure why Rebecca should operate from a position of fear that he will escalate more if she sets up some clearer boundaries. If he respects the letter from the attorney, they won't need a restraining order. If he violates the restraining order then he OUGHT to be arrested. No offense to you Paxe, but I can't see any upside to Rebecca letting him continue his harassment without getting legal help.
When she dumps him, instead of taking it like a man, he goes from totally dissing her to completely wussing out, weeping and acting needy and desperate. Nows he's escalated to confronting her in a parking lot outside work, calling her while drunk to "propose," and sending bizarre "presents." He has fallen completely to pieces. I think he's already in "shock" that a woman would set limits with him. He is doing everything he can to prove that that can't happen, imagining that he can win her back and this horror (not being allowed to do whatever he likes) will be over. It's all about him. This is the Drama Emperor Extraordinaire.
Excellent, excellent, and excellent interpretation!. I am getting goose bump when I read this! How amazing you are, asking!!!!
He is sending himself over the edge. I don't want him taking her with along.
Another concern is that he will try to get physical to get you to listen to him. Under that thought your safety won't be his concern. His own desire to 'get through to you' will be.
Cat1864,
I should not see this in my life. No way...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
Rebecca, I am not sure he sees a difference between your security and privacy and your safety. What worries me is that he may try to find a way to 'manufacture' a crisis to try to 'save' you from or that you would feel compelled to 'save' him from.
I am not sure what you are referring to.. can you kindly make it more clear? thank you so much.
Just Looking agrees: I agree. We aren't talking about having him arrested, but making sure he realizes that what he is doing is not wanted and not acceptable.
just looking,
I agree with your point. It is not wanted, and it is going to the wrong direction, and way beyond the level I should endure.
I need to focus on healing for myself, not suffering from the overly surpressing pressure…
I am not sure what you are referring to.. can you kindly make it more clear? thank you so much.
Having read through this entire thread at Cat 1864's urging, let me explain her fears in my usual blunt offensive way.
His next step to win you back is to kidnap and isolate you so he can "make you see reason." When that doesn't work he will probably just "keep you for himself."
When you do not fall back under his spell in a couple of days, he will injure or kill you.
This is not some bizarre fantasy, it happens with narcissists like this so often it has become a common theme on crime dramas.
Get some protection. Parents, Doorman, Attorneys, Cops, all of them.
Creating a scenario to 'save' you from could be something like getting someone to threaten you and and he 'miraculously' appears to make the person leave. Or if you have a car, making one or more of your tires go flat, so that he can be there to 'help' you out. Does that give you a better idea of what I was talking about?
I am not as worried about that type of behavior from him as I am him staging something involving himself as the 'victim' to try to gain sympathy and create guilt. Primarily (mainly because of the black roses and card), I am concerned about him 'staging' a suicide attempt. In his mind, it could have the benefit of causing you guilt because you turned him away when he was at his lowest or cause you to worry about him and give him a foot in the door. It could also have the effect of making him look more like the 'victim' to his friends and family.
Note that I used the word "stage". I don't think he would actually do anything to hurt himself. However, I wouldn't be surprised if he did try to make you think he will. Emotional blackmail at its best.
Be prepared for anything from this person. But at the same, Live your life to the fullest. You are not responsible for anything that he does. Only he is responsible for himself. You are not responsible for his reputation or his work. He is.
I am just thinking I am in a sticky situation. I did not know it would be so difficult to break off from my ex who created the unspekable mistake...
thanks again, all. I appreciate your concerns and thoughtful advices...
I am just thinking I can stay in my parents every weekend for a while to avoid this drama. It seems my ex is getting crazier for weekend, and it will protect me from the 'unnecessary scenes'.
Well, actually in a couple of words, healing takes time. Even though, I'm much better now than when I was with my ex, I still have nostalgia, but everyday I'm getting better.
Paxe,
I believe time has more power than anything else. I am staying in low while this tough time passes by.
I am focusing to heal from this trauma.
You are doing great with a human rights group, and it sounds good for you.
I am not that socially active right now, mainly to avoid people in the same social group of my ex. I am getting better sleep and good eat though.
I am having quality time with a group of my girl friends, it helps me my mind off. We went to a fundraising fashion show one evening, and it was just fun. I have many good friends, but I feel lonely sometimes…I know it sounds crazy, but I still have moments to miss the good time with my ex. Anyhow, I bought a bunch of books I always wanted to read, and started to take a yoga class. I am forcing myself to be busy, am thinking to join a drama club or sushi cooking class. I found a cool jazz place in my town, and I dine there, and I enjoy it. I do not have any memory about my ex in the place, and it helps me to relax better. What I really need is taking a small trip to a warm place for mind off, but my girl friend is busy, and I cannot make a reservation at this point. I hope she can find good time for me.
I hope I can recover, and spread my wings fully just like before I met my ex.
Thanks for your advice. Good luck to you!
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