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I am new here, but totally heartbroken & lost, and really need guy’s view point & everyone's advice. Thanks for help in advance...
I am 27, in 1.5 years of relationship with my bf of 28 yrs old, and I love him so much. We exchanged our promise ring, and talk about getting married in a year or so. Recently, I felt he became distant. Last night, I could not reach him at all, and realized he was not available every Friday night lately. So, I did my research, and guess what, I found out he posted his profile on multiple dating sites, and has been active. I was heart broken.
I confronted him with tears today. I told him I have been faithful for him since we met, and he should do the same thing for me. He was upset about my confrontation, and told me that he would marry me someday but now, and he likes to explore 1or 2 years to see what else is out there. He told me he would be faithful once marred, and that’s why he needed the experience right now. He is telling me that he will still see me every weekend, even though he is trying to see someone else, and I should not take it as a big deal (?). He is also saying that he does not like a promiscuous girl, and I should stay with him no matter what he does. He told me “You are telling me you are not interested in anyone, I will marry you in a couple of years anyway, and you should be with me.” I was speechless, and asked him to leave. He was very upset, slammed the door, and left me even without apology.
I had a sleepless night, and I have cried all day long. I was in denial, but now I know he has been cheated on me. How could he do it to me? I am totally shocked and confused. I am very angry, and my brain is keep telling me that I should break up with this cruel person right now. However I am so scared to loose him. My heart says I should be with him unconditionally. I love him so much, I will regret if I loose him. What should I do? I am totally lost and need help big time. Can you please give me any advice? What should I do?
Rebecca, I just read your post re the pathetic flowers he had delivered to your doorman, its sounds like he s losing the plot and I agree with you you didnt know him-you saw what he allowed you to see.
Continue to take good care of yourself.
you are right. He is toally lost and he does not know what he doing anymore...
Again, I don’t want to scare you, but other than losing you, so far your ex hasn’t suffered any consequences. He still believes he will get you back by continuing to harass you. It sounds like you work for a law firm as you have mentioned the lawyers at work. Have you considered speaking to them? It seems that a letter from a lawyer is warranted here, to put it on record that you consider this to be harassment and it will not be tolerated. You should not have to live with this anxiety.
Harassment is a crime. It can refer to the actions of a person who is repeatedly sending you threatening letters, calling you on the phone, or repeatedly sending you unwanted gifts. It can also involve behavior such as following you, watching you, and coming to your place of work or home. This behavior is commonly referred to as "stalking". He is trying to prove his “love” for you, but it is making you uneasy. It is not necessary that the harasser intend for the conduct to produce feelings of fear or intimidation in the victim, only that the harasser has reason to know that the conduct would cause such feelings. A warning from an attorney will show proof of this. This has been going on for 3 weeks now, and his efforts do not seem to be lessening.
Just Looking,
Thanks for your kind advice.
All you said is so considerate and appropriate. I consider it since I witnessed your recent incident on this board.
I know all my rights, I have enough evidence, so I can take actions in any moments if I want to. Many people will help me effectively if I ask. We all know the law now reflects the understanding harassment as regardless of the motivation for the conduct, it disrupts the victim's life and may threaten the victim's safety.
My concern is my ex has professional reputation, I do not see him in any felony charge for the personal matter between him and me. My family has strings with his as well. I am holding it off right now because I belive he knows his limit very well, he is not mentally malfunctioning (ha ha I am not sure about it any more…), and actually he is not threatening my life.
In terms, he is threatening my security or privacy, but not safety. So, it seems he is in the borderline.
Undoubtfully, it is frustrating to deal with it.
I do not know what episode he will create in any moment. I have a feeling that I could be watched too on and off. My apartment is at 7th floor, but has wall full windows from end to end, and I have full exposure. I know anyone can watch me from the street if tried intentionally. I have been aware of it, and I kept all my curtains closed tight all day long from the day one. I am prisoner in my apartment…
My main complaint is not about safety, but my stress level & insufficient well being. It is just draining my mental resources to be an unwanted part of his pointless drama.
The bottom line is, it appears he still tries hard, but I am certain that he will get tired very soon, and take it easy. I just feel it. I have intuition. I will give a couple more weeks. If thing is not getting better, I will take actions to get a restraining order defines harassment so on…
Now my anger is subsidized, but my depression comes due to his intrusive actions & gifts…
Thanks again... It means a lot to me.
The only thing I will add to Just Looking's advice is to have one of the lawyers other than Will send the notice/letter. Since Will has expressed a personal interest in you and showed up at your building, it might lessen his effectiveness in this matter.
Also, be honest with Dexter that Mr. Ex is getting worse and you are concerned about his actions. Since Dexter has had interactions with him outside of his Doorman duties, I am a bit concerned that he might not be seeing the seriousness of Mr. Ex's behavior. Though this latest floral arrangement might have shaken him, too. Dexter is also one of your first lines of defense.
Cat1864,
You are right about all again. If I need to send a letter, I will not consult with Will, but with my father. I do not know Will well. The last thing I want to do is mixing my personal matters with a superior level coworker at work. Fortunately, my father is in the position can take any actions for me if I ask. I am just trying to avoid bringing the unnecessary harsh situation.
I need to answer for my parent's service recall action pretty soon. I am planning to visit my parents next weekend. I guess I have no choice but have to consult with my father in a week. Oh, well. Thanks.
Regarding to Dexter, he is a very nice, honest, and working hard young man. Dexter does not know what my ex did behind of my back yet. I know he assumes what is going on since he saw all the episodes and flowers.
However, Dexter still admires my ex, stands somewhat in my ex's side.
When Will visited me last time, Dexter seemed embarrassed and unpleasant even though he tried to hide his expressions. It looked like I am the one cheated in the setting. It is funny but if I start to see someone else in future for an example, I think Dexter will give me dirty looks or disproval looks.
I do need a good plan to effectively tell Dexter not to disrupt his personal belief about my ex unnecessarily, but make him standing strong enough to protect me from my ex. Basically, I am looking for a way to put it not to destroy my ex’s reputation.
It is not easy to keep the grace in the action...
I am worried about you. Please, please talk to an attorney and plan to get a restraining order. It is your ex's fault if his reputation is damaged. You have repeatedly asked to be left alone and he has completely ignored your requests. He still does not respect you. He thinks he can do as he likes. You are entitled to protect yourself. If relations between the families was important to HIM he wouldn't be doing this. It's not your job to protect him from himself.
Also, do NOT wait for specific threats. There is no reason to assume he'll warn you before escalating to an assault or personal confrontation of some kind. I entreat you to take this more seriously. The funeral flowers have taken this beyond drama to cracked and very dark. If this was a romantic comedy, it might be funny. But real life isn't like that. Take this seriously.
Please follow Just Looking's advice and have an attorney serve him a with a cease and desist letter tomorrow. And go quickly to a restraining order if he doesn't IMmediately cease all contact. You are being harassed and forced to live in fear. This has been going on too long.
I do need a good plan to effectively tell Dexter not to disrupt his personal belief about my ex unnecessarily, but make him standing strong enough to protect me from my ex. Basically, I am looking for a way to put it not to destroy my ex’s reputation.
It is not easy to keep the grace in the action...
I agree. I think you should be more upfront with Dexter. No need to go into details since you want to maintain some dignity, but I would explain briefly that you broke off with your ex because he was secretly dating other women and that he has been harassing and stalking you. Do not minimize your discomfort on this point or allow Dexter to turn it into something "cute."
Make it clear to Dexter that you are counting on him both professionally (he's a doorman) and personally to protect you and that the harassment is costing you your peace of mind in your own home. If you don't think Dexter is taking this seriously, have the same attorney who writes your letter have a friendly but serious talk with Dexter so that he understands he's part of the solution--your solution, not the ex's.
Well, actually in a couple of words, healing takes time. Even though, I'm much better now than when I was with my ex, I still have nostalgia, but everyday I'm getting better.
I'll give you what I'm doing:
I've joined a human rights group and I'm planning 2 major fundraising and a lot of people are interested in. I'm in charge of that project so that takes me a lot of time. I still continue to do a lot of training, socializing, going out with friends ( I try not to stay with the same one all the time ), going clubbing, passing time with my family...
What really helps me though, is to gaze far and just enjoy each and every moment that passes when I have a bit of free time and when I'm going outside. Have you ever looked at a blue sky or a nice garden and just stop thinking? Well it calms your heart and all your worries.
What I don't do is going out drinking too much, clinging on my ex, eating always outside, or being mean. I try to stay positive and give a lot of energy. I have a lot of girls interested in me (I guess because all the energy I show and the fact I've been working out and taking care of myself), but I'm enjoying my freedom and being single.
I don't have to call anybody or nobody really has to calm me, but I have very close friends and family and people generally like me so that I don't feel lonely.
Just wondering if you're doing the same thing though.
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