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I have always been very insecure and jealous. Recently my husband of 40 yrs told me that he went to a nude bar 25 yrs ago and I cannot stop thinking about it. I was 1000 miles away while he was in Tx staying with an uncle trying to find work. We were losing our home due to his being laid off and in 1980 the job market in In. was gone. Anyway in my mind the fact that he chose t go into this bar with his uncle and a friend tells me that he didn't care about my feelings or me. I can visualize the whole thing and I cry all the time. If I'm not crying I'm screaming at him because I feel that my last 25 yrs have been a lie.Am I crazy.
Location: Now hailing from St. Petersburg, Florida US of A, North America, planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy.
Posts: 2,124
Quote:
Originally Posted by marjo
Thank you. And I agree I am being selfish because I can't bear the thought that he didn't really care about hurting me. How do I get over this?
I don't know....I really don't. I don't know why you would have even given it a second thought. To me there is nothing to get over.
All I can think of is focusing on a man, and god damn it I mean a real man who must really care enough about you to put of with this and devote almost 50 years of his life to you. If that can't put a smile on your face and light your heart than maybe he deserves better.
Originally Posted by marjo I can't bear the thought that he didn't really care about hurting me.
He did not care that he was hurting you because he did not KNOW he was hurting you. This was 25 years ago!!!!!! That is a quarter of a century ago!!! He was probably trying to rid himself of some of the pressure he was under. He may have thought he was a failure for losing his job, almost losing his home. Give him a break!!!!
There is nothing you can do to change the past. But you can change the future.
Do you want to wallow in the self pity of the past or change your future to be happy? It is all up to you.
Your husband did nothing wrong. I wish mine would go out and have fun with the guys, whether it was hunting, fishing, or a nudie bar!!!! Just HAVE FUN!!! I know who he is coming home to.
If you continue on this path of destruction it will be you who ruins the marriage, not him. He did this 25 years ago. Nudie bars 25 years ago were NOTHING like they are now. Like I said, that was almost one quarter of a century ago. You have been with him almost a half of a century. Are you willing to let all that time go because of insecurities that are unfounded? If you keep on this path, you will.
Marjo, there really is nothing to get over. He did nothing wrong. So what if he had a few beers at a Ti**y bar? Does that mean he had an affair on you? I don't think so. From all the guys I saw where I used to work 15 years ago most of them didn't even look at the girls. They were there to shoot the bull with the guys where they knew the girlfriends and wives would not venture to go. No pressure from the women of their lives.
You asked and ill answer. Yes, i think you are crazy.
You already have great answers here.
Get over it. This is absurd you feeling like this!
25 years ago and really he did nothing wrong anyway. These places are nothing. they are boring. he couldnt have enjoyed it too much as he hasnt been back.
You have some massive issues that you need to address. good luck!
If my wife (32 years) wanted to get mad about something that happened 25 years ago, I'd leave until she got over it. Apologize and tell him how dumb you acted. Haven't you done a few things in your life you were not proud of? Why make nothing into a big mountain between you. I think you have other issues you need to face.
I don't want to be insensitive to your feeling but unless there are other issues between you and your husband, you are way overreacting to something that happened 25 years ago. Perhaps, to get over it, how about going to nudie bar together and have a laugh? Life is too short to feel the way you do and I think you would know that already. Peace. :-)
I have always been very insecure and jealous. Recently my husband of 40 yrs told me that he went to a nude bar 25 yrs ago and I cannot stop thinking about it. I was 1000 miles away while he was in Tx staying with an uncle trying to find work. We were losing our home due to his being laid off and in 1980 the job market in In. was gone. Anyway in my mind the fact that he chose t go into this bar with his uncle and a friend tells me that he didn't care about my feelings or me. I can visualize the whole thing and I cry all the time. If I'm not crying I'm screaming at him because I feel that my last 25 yrs have been a lie.Am I crazy.
I am sure he is really sry and u will need ur space and time to think about it. This happened 25 years ago u need to reamember that. Screaming at him will not help anything it will only make things worse. I kno this would be really heartbreaking to hear and i feel sry for u but dont feel sry 4 urself. think of all the great things he has done 4 u and grow from there.
Most of you are missing the point. The bar isn't the major problem! It's the decision to go into the bar, knowing that it would have hurt me deeply (whether it should have or not is not relevent). He never told me anything and he let me continue to voice my jealousy over girls that were nothing to what he had paid to see. Now I can see him ogling someone and think "he had sexier than that up close and personal." That's what hurts. That and knowing he probably thought of them half the time he was with me. I was ignorant for 25 years is the way I see it.
... knowing that it would have hurt me deeply ... he let me continue to voice my jealousy ... I can see him ogling someone and think "he had sexier than that up close and personal." ... That and knowing he probably thought of them half the time he was with me. I was ignorant for 25 years is the way I see it....
You are coming up with reasons to be jealous. All of the above is your interpretation or exaggeration ("thought of them half the time he was with me," e.g). You maybe, just may be wrong, don't you think? Don't you hope? It appears to me (and to others based on their reponses) that you are looking for a way to punish your husband and it is hard to believe you are doing that because of one thing that happened 25 years ago. You may have other reasons that you are not admitting or you may just be a jealous person who needs help. Either way, I respectfully think that you need to forgive and forget.
Here's another suggestion. Rather than focusing on the incident, think about 100 things your husband did to make you happy. How many times did he hug you, brought flowers, listened to your nagging without snapping back at you, etc..? If you can't think of anything he did for you, then he does have an issue, eh?
Most of you are missing the point. The bar isn't the major problem! It's the decision to go into the bar, knowing that it would have hurt me deeply (whether it should have or not is not relevent). He never told me anything and he let me continue to voice my jealousy over girls that were nothing to what he had paid to see. Now I can see him ogling someone and think "he had sexier than that up close and personal." That's what hurts. That and knowing he probably thought of them half the time he was with me. I was ignorant for 25 years is the way I see it.
The problem is not him but you and what you allow yourself to believe. Beside a few hours 25 years ago you have not mentioned not one time before or after this incident where he has done anything wrong, so you cannot forgive one time he may have made a mistake. You have allowed your jealousy to cloud your judgement to the point your sounding like a raving lunatic and this behavior cannot be healthy for you or your relationship. If you cannot change your attitue yourself then please find a professional who can help you get over your jealousies and insecurities. Nothing you have said here can justify your bad behavior so I hope you recognise the illogical stance you have taken and get help.
If you can't think of anything he did for you, then he does have an issue, eh? 
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