I apologize, Help Desk. I need you.

talaniman · Jun 15, 2010, 05:34 AM

You still have much healing to do, and frankly you may have been moving to fast to replace the hole in your soul. Actually, that's something we all have to deal with, as we try to get beyond our own hurt. Give yourself a break why dontcha. Look at what you have been through for two years, and then having to adjust to the dramatic changes in your life and routine. Its a lot, and you have done a lot of work so far. But you have more to do, so rest up emotionally, and get back in the grove of rebuilding. HOW? No dating, no looking to replace the love and romance, but get a very solid social life. Focus on creative ways to challenge yourself. Like volunteering somewhere that allows you to see how very valuable you are to someone in need, who can do for themselves, and follow that with activities that challenge you as well, like a class, or learning and mastering a new skill.

I think your main problem is dealing with the issues of another, who needs more than you have to give right now.

Quote:

Is it normal? Will I get over the lack of physical attraction or is it how things will be?

It only seems that way now, but that will change as you get further along in YOUR own program, and leave his alone. Its like a second break up, if you think about it. No wonder you're exhausted emotionally, he drained you. Be patient, and give yourself some time.

pandead · Jun 16, 2010, 01:30 PM

It's so ironic, I read every single post since my very first one on this thread. I just realized I kept coming back with the same problem (you guys are so patient) just dealing with it a little better every time.

I took your advice and told everyone that I need some alone time. For my ex, it's been plain, simple. I wrote an email while he was sleeping and blocked/deleted what's left from him before he could wake up. I deleted all his old emails, too. I copied all the videos, documents, pictures on a DVD and put it in a box with his shirts, the sketchbooks with my drawings and everythings else I kept. The box is going to my grandma's attic this weekend.

I had a very heated conversation with my "friend" this morning and told him I can't be anything but his friend, at least for the moment. He said he understands and that I'm not ready. We will keep talking every once in a while, avoid that subject as much as we can.

I am staying away from social life for the moment. I know I should try to get out of my bed, but it feels comfy. I decided to do it slowly, because -obviously- when I try to do it too fast it doesn't work. I was a project manager for art galleries for a while so I will start writing projects again and when I'm ready, I will take them to related places. It makes me stay at home for a bit but still be "in contact" with the "real world"... And I have to admit, my brain didn't really have to work except for video games lately.

What do you think? Is this acceptable as a beginning, or should I force myself to call my friends and go out every day? A friend once said "fake it 'til you make it"... Is it true?

Wondergirl · Jun 16, 2010, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pandead

What do you think? Is this acceptable as a beginning, or should I force myself to call my friends and go out every day? A friend once said "fake it 'til you make it"... Is it true?

It sounds like you are beginning to know yourself well enough to assess what you need right now. I'll trust you are doing the right thing. (Bed does sound nice -- just like when I'm sick or upset, I crawl into a cave and pull a rock across the opening.)

You are a fantastic writer and very well-spoken in how you express yourself. I'm rarely impressed, but you managed to impress me. My money is on you for winning this!

pandead · Jun 24, 2010, 12:32 PM

8th day and NC is going pretty well, much better than expected actually. Except for a few times where a song or a picture of us unexpectedly appeared on my computer/ipod, I didn't really have any bad moments, I've been going out much more than what thought I would, etc.

I'm staying away from other guys, it's so weird how all your male friends call you more often when you're alone and "be there if you want to talk about it over dinner"... The only one who is really sincere is that "friend" I was talking about before, but I'm still not ready to see him so we just talk and in a weird way, give each other the courage and energy to do things we wouldn't think we were capable of, which is a good thing for me.

It's amazing what a poisoning ex can do to get a hold of you though... My ex found me last night on a messenger I didn't think he knew and although I deleted him, looks like I forgot to block him from 2 of them so the whole time I thought he was blocked, he saw me online. He talked to me for a few minutes and I answered politely, as adviced here before. Not giving any details, just kept in mind what someone said once, treating him like I treat my aunt. After a few minutes, he said something about his job and I didn't answer. I waited a few more minutes and just logged off, without saying anything.

I don't feel guilty like I usually do, I don't feel like I broke NC (did I?) as he messaged me now, I was able to block him but I don't know what to do, he confused me. He's there, trying to reach out for me, and he wants me to notice... Maybe he's just "checking", am I over-analyzing? I don't even think he wants to get back together, why is he doing this? Was my reaction right or should I just tell him not to talk to me anymore? (at some point, I said "how did you find me?" he answered "well, I logged on and you were online"... Did he get the hint or should I just ignore it when he says "hi" the next time?)

Thank you.

redhed35 · Jun 24, 2010, 12:59 PM

I read your whole thread start to finish,that's quite a roller coaster ride you have been on,now it sounds like you just got off the roller coaster,your a bit dizzy and a bit sick,but you know you going to be alright.

This guy cut you badly,and it takes time and those damn scars can ache sometimes,but your learning from the experience,you learning about yourself in a way you could not have done without this experience.

As for the ex popping in and out,that's like sticking a pin into that scar,stop emotionally self harming,you don't need to hear from him,he does not need to hear from you.

Wether you broke nc or not does not matter,you stuck your toe in the water,and yes,it still hurts and makes you overthink it,so don't do again!

He does not give a flying monkeys about you or the damage he caused.

He does not want what you have to offer,and you regaining your power is attractive,your starting to heal and rebuild,let in into your life via email or down the chimney,he'll break you again.

Once that's in you head,self perversation,heart,mind,body and soul.

Keep building on the work you have already begun.

Wondergirl · Jun 24, 2010, 01:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pandead

He's there, trying to reach out for me, and he wants me to notice... Maybe he's just "checking", am I over-analyzing? I don't even think he wants to get back together, why is he doing this?

I've been on both sides of this kind of thing--the dumper and the dumpee. He desperately wants you to "remember" him and think well of him. He's just checking to make sure you know he exists and you don't "hate" him. DON'T FALL FOR IT!

pandead · Jun 24, 2010, 05:04 PM

Thanks for taking the time to answer... I'm quite new to this feeling (I don't want him back... What happened to me?!

) when I read my first posts I want to bang my head against a wall... You are right, sometimes I don't really know how to feel but thanks to these pages of advice here (I saw a few stories similar to mine, too) I know pretty much how I can deal with it.

Yes, I do "feel dizzy", between breakups, divorces, marriage proposals, international moving, 20 hour flights back and forth... Waking up and dancing while I put on my make-up doesn't feel right sometimes. I should be in my bed watching The Notebook for the 9th time and crying, but I'm not.

As for breaking NC, I was just wondering because it became one of the things I base my life on right now. NC and my "to do" list are the things that make me get out of my bed and feel stronger every day so I was really hoping you wouldn't say that I'm back to day #1...

I don't see why he'd care about me remembering him or hating him (I could care less if he hates me or forgets me, I didn't even ask him to send my clothes/books this time) so I thought there would be another reason... After I read your answers I decided not thinking about it is probably the best answer. He keeps trying to initiate contact with me for some weird reason and "meh, whatever" seems like the answer to all my questions right now...

Just wanted to make sure if I'm doing the right thing because I don't ever want to feel like I did again, so I get scared whenever he finds me.
And thank you all for being so patient

friend4u178 · Jun 24, 2010, 05:27 PM

Just remember this and it may help you to stay on NC better.

Everytime you answer his attempts at contact , it makes HIM feel better , because he then knows he still has some sort of hold on you.

Stuff him , that's what I say

Homegirl 50 · Jun 24, 2010, 06:12 PM

He is probably curious, wants to see if he still has a hold on you, if you still remember him. Sounds like a selfish prig to me.
Ignore him, he will get the message.

Remember this: the first time you are hurt by someone you're a victim. Any subsequent times, you have volunteered.
Unless you just have a thing for pain, don't volunteer for it.
I wish you well.

Just Dahlia · Jun 24, 2010, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by pandead

Thanks for taking the time to answer... I'm quite new to this feeling (I don't want him back... What happened to me?!

) when I read my first posts I want to bang my head against a wall... You are right, sometimes I don't really know how to feel but thanks to these pages of advice here (I saw a few stories similar to mine, too) I know pretty much how I can deal with it.

Yes, I do "feel dizzy", between breakups, divorces, marriage proposals, international moving, 20 hour flights back and forth... Waking up and dancing while I put on my make-up doesn't feel right sometimes. I should be in my bed watching The Notebook for the 9th time and crying, but I'm not.

As for breaking NC, I was just wondering because it became one of the things I base my life on right now. NC and my "to do" list are the things that make me get out of my bed and feel stronger every day so I was really hoping you wouldn't say that I'm back to day #1...

I don't see why he'd care about me remembering him or hating him (I could care less if he hates me or forgets me, I didn't even ask him to send my clothes/books this time) so I thought there would be another reason... After I read your answers I decided not thinking about it is probably the best answer. He keeps trying to initiate contact with me for some weird reason and "meh, whatever" seems like the answer to all my questions right now...

Just wanted to make sure if I'm doing the right thing because I don't ever want to feel like I did again, so I get scared whenever he finds me.
And thank you all for being so patient

You are doing good

I apologize, Help Desk. I need you.

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