I apologize, Help Desk. I need you.

Threads merged and edited

Hello Help Desk,



Last summer, after I left everything to move back to my parents' house to save money and move in with him later, he cheated on me and left me, then took me back and sent me a plane ticket so I could stay with him and meet his family for a few months. Which I did - and it was perfect... A few weeks after I came back, he told me it's not working, that it will take too long for me to save money here and move overseas for good, even though my parents offered nicely to sell our family car and whatever they can to lend me the money I need to move and settle there with him.

Later, I learned that his mother was the one who convinced him that I wouldn't be able to find a job and he'd have to pay for both of us, that we are too different, etc. Etc. (I only have a Master's Degree, after all!)

Long story short, we got back together for the last time. After the happiness of the first days gone, he started to be his old self again, ignoring me all the time, treating me like crap... So I decided to give him one week in my head. I had a conversation with him and told him he was about to cross the line, that my patience has limits, but he didn't seem to understand.

During that week, I didn't call or text him unless he texted me... Surprisingly (!) he sent me maybe 1 message/day, sometimes even less. At the end of the week I talked to him and told him that I'm done. Because I was. First he was mad, he told me that I was mean, then he cried, hung up on me, then wrote an apology email. I blocked and deleted him from everywhere as well as his family and friends. He sent me one last email from another adress last week and told me everything I needed to hear : that he deserved it and took me for granted, wished me a lot of happiness with someone who deserves me etc.


So I talked to him. Told him I'm sorry, he said he understood (sounds like a healthy break-up... Too healthy?) The next thing I know is him buying a plane ticket to fly here for 1 day. It's a 20 hour flight. He told his friend he's bringing a ring. I begged him to cancel his ticket, told him I didn't want to be with him, but he said that I owe him a breakup in person at least. Now I'm just confused...

What am I supposed to do after such a display of affection? I don't think I can forget what he put me through last year -- should I? He says he's changed and he can prove by commiting, should I believe him?

I hear a lot of stories about men realizing they are ready after a break-up. Do you think it's one of them or am I just being stupid?

Sounds more like you're his doormat than his girlfriend. He has you when he wants you and discards you when it's convenient for him. Stop contacting him, even when he contacts you. You have nothing to apologize to him for. When things are over, its best to just move on and every time you call or message him back, it's just dragging things on.

Well you have allowed yourself to be sucked back into his influence with very little proof of his change of feelings or behavior, and it would be foolish now to take his word for anything on so flimsy facts other than his word, and a ring.

Let us not forget that you have changed your mind about being courted by him, given his actions before, and now all of a sudden, the right words makes you buy him a ticket that you now regret. Well he is coming, and you better deal with him a lot better than the first two times you broke up. Don't be so easily taken by smooth words or a ring, as commitment means nothing if his so called change is but a temporary one, designed to hook you back in.

Thats as fair a warning as I can give you, since you seem to be following your heart, and not your head.

Good Luck with that.

Yep, so he wants to put money out, Thus the issue when it should be no contact, if you had not opened his email, had not sent him a mesage you would be further on the way to healing, now you open old wounds and have to start the hurt all over again when it starts to break up again

Thank you for your comments, and thanks to moderators for merging these. (By the way, the edited parts were just playfully said, I apologize if anyone is offended. Let's just say english isn't my native language - it's not even my second so, sorry again.)

Well here is the thing : I'm getting back everything I lost during those 3 years I spent with him and even more. I got my driver's licence -finally- have my job interviews lined up, lost about 30 pounds of the 40 I gained when I was with him. Got used to go to the gym (I signed up after I read the posts here and never stopped going) or have fun with friends, even been flirting a little bit lately...

Talaniman, I didn't buy anything at all actually. And yes, I am following my heart. And my heart tells me to stay away from him. My head is the one making me wonder if he still deserves a chance or if I'm being too cruel.

Chuck, when I read your comment I asked myself what wound I can be opening and it made me realize that my problem is probably not still being in love with him. I feel like handling the whole "ring" situation is harder for me right now.

I feel much better and even though sometimes I miss him, I didn't miss him enough to call him and ask him to take me back like I used to do before. Mainly because I'm the one initiating the break-up, I think I reached my limit and I'm not hurting about it...

It feels so weird because I'm used to hurt all the time, and I kept asking myself "why now", why not when I'd walk through fire for him and give him anything he needs? That feeling lead me to write all this, after all I've been through, should I even consider? I think the answer is clear.

He realized. It's too late. I just wish they could teach these things in movies... I feel lighter, happier in some way because I'm more confident about myself and the way I manage my life. I'm just scared he will make me feel guilty about saying no (I know he will) or accuse me, blame me, I really don't know. All I know is that I want to marry someone who won't do what he did. Ever.

I always thought I would die without him and surprise, I am alive. And I am happy. To be honest, I could be friends with him right now and nothing more than friends, because I think I lost the thing -which was the reason why I answered his email in the first place, but it got out of control... I guess it's not the right time for that and it will probably never be. Now I have to figure out how to say no without crushing him and avoid the "I came here to propose to you and you say no" talk...

That sounds good to hear, and thank you for coming back setting the record straight. I think you are on a good healthy path, and hope it continues.

Never feel guilty about making good decisions for yourself, nor let someone make you feel you should feel guilt.

(My post might be related to another post I just saw here so feel free to merge if needed.)

It's been almost a year now that I've been struggling with a horrible breakup (and make up, then breakup again... Twice) I was getting used to be the doormat when I met that guy. We "knew" each other for a year and he was one of those "friends" on facebook that you never really talk to, the ones who comment on your status every once in a while.

I discovered an amazing person. He is funny, incredibly mature, smart and he has that power to push me like no one ever did before. One day my heart skipped a beat when he came online and as much as I tried to deny it, I knew I felt something.

He made it clear a few days after that, he told me he "really likes me" and cares about me a lot. We decided to meet but I felt like I wasn't ready so I couldn't. He said he won't ask me anything more than what I'm giving him, my company.

I learned that he had a 6 year relationship and he's been single for another a few years now. They lived together and she cheated on him. We decided to be honest since the beginning and I never hid anything from him. Looks like a good start, huh?

Here comes the tricky part:


1. I don't feel any physical attraction for him. It's one of the reasons why I don't want to see him in person, I'm scared I will be disappointed. He had several one night stands after his breakup but he said it himself, that "he let himself go over the years", not having a real relationship. We talk about everything and as shallow as it sounds, I told him it was bothering me. I could tell it crushed his heart but he said he would ask himself to get back in shape too and said he will do the best he can.

2. I have to deal with his insecurities due to his appearance and his past. This includes jealousy, clingyness, questions etc.

So my question is... He had years to get over his breakup and now he is ready for a relationship. I'm just getting over a devastating experience of 3 years with a broken engagement, lies, cheating, the whole package. Am I not ready to date? It feels weird to tell someone the same things I told my ex only a few months (weeks?) ago or make plans... Is it normal? Will I get over the lack of pyhsical attraction or is it how things will be?

I really want to be with him but these things almost drive me back to my ex sometimes. He is the exact opposite of my ex in every way : he is caring, nice, sweet, mature and able to take decisions by himself, but on the other hand, he is clingy, impulsive, has no real "life plan" (meaning a solid roof and a stable job) and tends to put all this on my shoulders... All added to the physical part, I'm confused. I feel like it's karma or whatever you want to call it, that I meet someone I like who treats me like I treated my ex, being caring but extremely needy - and we are NOT even in a relationship... I broke NC once already and sent an email to my ex saying I miss him, then felt horrible.

I cry every day and I don't know why, I was doing pretty good and now I feel like I'm back to the first weeks of my breakup, that it's not going to work with anyone else... Would it be what they call a "rebound"? Because if it is, I don't want that.

Hope it wasn't too long, any help is appreciated.

You haven't given yourself time to heal from the previous relationship, so, yes, this will be a rebound. Plus, you said you don't even want to meet him in person. Is that all about him -- or is it saying something about you?

My suggestion is to be friends with him, get to know each other, have fun, maybe eventually meet for lunch or coffee and dessert -- but no hurry. BOTH of you need to do some serious work on yourselves before there can be a romantic relationship. Is each of you open to seeing a counselor and doing some serious and very difficult work?

If you are over 65 -- no, there's not much time, so get moving.

If you are under 50, take your time and do this right. If anything, you will be ready when another frog comes along and wants a kiss.

Thanks, that's pretty much what I was thinking, I told him I need some "single time" but I'm not sure if he got it. I'm trying to help him as much as I can with his issues but I can't really carry anyone without getting my life in order first. That sounds like the classic "it's not you it's me" speech so I didn't want to say it, even if it's true. We are 26 and 29, so I guess there's still hope.

I think I just want that old relationship to stop haunting me (even mods merge my post with the old one about my ex!) and I want to move on, run away from him as fast as I can because the feeling isn't going away as I expected it to.


I went to the gym. Baked cakes with my grandma. Went ice skating. Got drunk with friends and sang in the streets. Tried needlework. Played video games. Made videos. Looked for apartments in Australia in case I want to move there one day. I tried everything. Talking to that man was the most relaxing one. But then one day, I just stood here in my room and it hit me. Was I faking? Probably. Am I still faking? Maybe. Is it still hurting? Yes. A lot.

It's been 11 months since all this started.
I am exhausted.

Time to stop running away. Time to face it head-on. Time for a counselor. Since we don't live near each other, you're going to have to find someone else. I'm here to help with that if needs be.

Whaddya think?