The relationship timeline.

confoundedj · #1 Apr 21, 2008, 11:00 AM

I've really enjoyed reading all these posts on relationships. I am, however, somewhat taken aback by how many people think that it should take about a year before the "I love yous" come out.

I have not dated much. When I meet someone that I feel good about, I go for it. My instincts have not failed me yet. If you read my previous question, you know that I am on my second serious relationship. The first was with my college sweetheart. It only took 3 months for us to start saying we loved eachother. We were together for 3.5 years and ended the relationship when we moved away from each other (him to pursue his Masters, and me to pursue my career). I was sad that it ended, but the long distance just didn't work for us. We still keep in touch with each other via the telephone and visit with each other when we go back home for the holidays.

It took 2 years for me to meet the next guy "John," and I knew within 4 mos how I felt about him. I didn't admit how I felt until 7mos in. I am 25 and he is 33 (I have always gotten along much better with older men). In general, readers felt that 7mos was way too early to expect an "I love you" back, let alone begin to talk about "the future."

Is it because I am young/naive/undamaged that I believe I can know I love somebody in 3-4 months? Does it really have to take one YEAR for the "getting to know you/finding out if there is any love here" stage? I cannot ever imagine spending that long with someone and THEN finding out that they don't love me or care to be in a relationship with me anymore.

SO dear reader, in your relationship history, how long was it before you felt love for the other person? How long was it before you thought about having a future with this person? Have you ever been with somebody you loved who wouldn't tell you they loved you back? Have you ever had to break up with someone you loved because they didn't want the same things as you did?

ISneezeFunny · Apr 21, 2008, 11:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by confoundedj

SO dear reader, in your relationship history, how long was it before you felt love for the other person?

Don't get me wrong. I feel love within 6 months...but to REALLY know...without the whole "honeymoon phase"...I wait about a year.

Quote:

Originally Posted by confoundedj

How long was it before you thought about having a future with this person?

1 - 2 years

Quote:

Originally Posted by confoundedj

Have you ever been with somebody you loved who wouldn't tell you they loved you back? Have you ever had to break up with someone you loved because they didn't want the same things as you did?

yes and yes.

Hundalei · Apr 21, 2008, 11:34 AM

I met my husband when I was just shy of my 19th birthday (and he was just past his). We spent every moment of our first 3 weeks together, and we both knew we were in love, and we both said it. Of course our love has changed and evolved over the years into something much more deep & intense than it was at 3 weeks, but we knew then, and we know now (7 years this summer). It was just to strong of a feeling to ignore or be confused about. I am also very confused by the people who need a year to figure it out. You either know or you don't. You either miss them every second of every day when your not with them, or you don't. Figure it out...

Turasleon · Apr 21, 2008, 11:37 AM

Well, allow me to be honest with you.

Love is far different from infatuation. If you have known the person for a very long time, then saying "I love you" can occur very, very quickly. I've known my current girlfriend for ten years, and it took two weeks into the relationship to say it. We still feel it, it's been one year seven months.

The thing is, most people in society seem to believe that love is something that you need to wait to say. Not necessarily true...most people just don't really know what love is. In general, they expect you to experience a lot of the other person in order to REALLY know them, so that you can say that you REALLY love them. I agree with this, but at the same time, you can experience a lot of another person relatively fast.

This is, of course, my opinion. I'm also a bit tired at the moment, so I may not be able to express this the way I would like to, but nonetheless, that's my theory at this moment in time.

Hundalei · Apr 21, 2008, 11:39 AM

Just quickly re: the Honeymoon Phase......that is still love, unless you exercise incredibly poor judgement and end up with a complete jerk (sorry for the earlier word I used here, admin) who was never right for you to begin with. That and the honeymoon phase is 6 months tops. I'd say more like 3-6 months. Anyone who is "honeymooning" for a year and not discussing the future is living in La La Land (unless they are in High School)

confoundedj · Apr 21, 2008, 11:58 AM

I defined what I think love is in a previous post. Let me repost it here so to facilitate this discussion:

love: a choice you make every day to care about someone else, to place their needs equal to yours, the desire to see a person grow, be happy, be successful (whatever that means to them, not to you)

I know there are many definitions of love, and yours may be different, but this is what I am thinking of when I refer to love.

Hundalei · Apr 21, 2008, 12:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by confoundedj

love: a choice you make every day to care about someone else, to place their needs equal to yours, the desire to see a person grow, be happy, be successful (whatever that means to them, not to you)

Can't hit the nail on the head much better than that!



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