I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...

We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't...much of a farmer.

Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.

So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.

...


Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...

I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.

Ugh.

So...

At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.


...Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?

ISneezeFunny

I feel your pain.

Here's my saga.

http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relatio...er-161688.html

same deal. 3.5 years. break up with 1 semester left. I have updates all throughout the post...should keep you busy

hang in there. it gets better. I promise.

jamimama

Thank you so much! You have no idea what a relief it is to see that someone has a very similar story. I felt like no one can relate and poof, here you are.
Do you think things would have gone more smoothly had you cut all ties right off the bat? No communication at all? I don't plan on contacting him at all in the real sense, but I think about talking to him constantly.

lostissues

You did what you had to. I can't say that I've been through what you have, and the only thing that I can say is that I feel for you. It must really hurt, but I guess it's better this way.
In a way, by already deciding that he was going to break up with you and go study aboard, he was being selfish, He wanted to be with you longer yet at the same time, ditch you when the time came. You deserve more than that. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you do him.
It took a lot of will power and strength to break it up with him, it really hurts considering how much you loved him, but I believe that there's someone out there that's better for you.
I hope you feel better soon and truly find someone that loves you. Take care in the mean time.

ISneezeFunny

I did cut all ties...I had a hiccup once...but mostly, I cut all ties after a week.

I know you want to talk to him, and you probably dream of him, and sometimes even FEEL like he's next to you...but I swear...after 2 - 3 weeks, you'll feel SO much better.

There may be a time when he contacts you to "make things better" or "leave on a better note"...but I think what's done is done...only thing left to do is for you to "heal"

As far as the "you'll get over him in a week"...is complete bs.

I feel like I got over my ex relatively quickly (...but I have this tendency to get over people quick...) as I took about 2 months or so...but there are people that go on for 3 - 4 months...sometimes 7 - 8...sometimes longer.

Just keep yourself busy with your friends during the day. Call those friends you haven't seen in a while to lunch...go out for dinner...movie...whatever.

Pick up a few hobbies like reading a book, writing a novel, listening to music, starting up a tv show...or start volunteering. Just get out there that'll get your mind off him.

As I was completely busy during the day, the nights killed me...so I would come here at night...and just vent/read on these forums, then I'd go for a 3 - 4 mile run...completely wipe myself out, then just pass out. the nights'll be rough...but we'll be here.

Under the relationship forum there are 2 stickies...read those.

jamimama

Thank you. I can't believe you were able to so perfectly capture the essence of this breakup and why it is so hard and what is really underlying the issues. Thank you thank you thank you.

I am soooo glad I decided on a whim to come to this site and post my story. Two extremely helpful responses so far and I'm finding huge amounts of comfort in reading other people's stories.

jamimama

Thanks again for imparting your wisdom. The good news in this situation is that we didn't have many common friends or activities, so my life is the same day to day, minus him (which was, obviously, a huge chunk of time, thought, emotion and energy) but I know I have my friends. I've been making a major effort to be busy, to stay active, to keep up with activities and exercise and to reach out and call friends.

This weekend, I went out, but of course I was absolutely miserable. I'm still lonely doing all these things, and I feel guilty how selfish I'm being by talking about him and how I feel so much. I'm usually the type of person who keeps things to myself but I don't think that would be helpful.

I miss him terribly, but it's such a comfort that you say it gets better in 2-3 weeks. I mean, not a cure, of course, but it feels like we broke up forever ago (even though it was this week) and it's hard for me to assess how this will go.

ISneezeFunny

I know exactly how you feel...at one point, I was literally counting as the hours went by, and after an hour (which seemed like an eternity...) I literally celebrated a little..."yay...I lasted another hour..."

It really is better if you just keep yourself busy. I made that fatal mistake at first...I just kept thinking about her, looking at her old pictures, reading the e-mails she sent me...bah.

so glad that's over now. my life now...is MUCH MUCH better.

We were going to graduate, and if we had stayed together a year or two after graduation, I was going to ask her to marry me. We were going to live together after graduation...so with the money I saved up to buy a condo, I bought a motorcycle.

After the breakup, I've lost 20 lbs (20 lbs!!!), started working out religiously, eating right, volunteered a lot, read a few books, started to write a small article here and there which I might put together later on...who knows.

But the huge overall difference I've noticed was that I seem happier on average...I seem to have more fun...I just seem more confident and more energetic. My grades couldn't be better...and just overall, I'm doing better.

talaniman

As others have brought out, this is completely natural after a break up, and your not alone there. Its just making that adjustment from being with someone so long thats hard, as we shared a lot of ourselves with those exes. Time and keeping busy, and as Sneeze has said reading the stickies for this forum will help. Just click on the links in my signature to access them, and let us know if they helped, or not. Sorry for your loss, and good luck.

jamimama

I have a question about seeing the ex for the first time:

We are on a small campus and I will see him sooner or later...I think he went home this weekend because our paths have not crossed. It was a relief to realize that he probably did this, as I was running around campus on the outskirts trying to avoid him.

The good news is that I have run into his housemates and friends repeatedly, and as awkward as that is, they have all seen me out, having fun being social. Even though I'm miserable inside, I'm making an effort to have fun and be busy, so no report back that I'm alone in my room moping. I'm also making an effort to be dressed and well-groomed. So that's a plus.

BUT what to do the first time I see him? Do I say "Hi" or no? I feel like it would bring the hurt on in such a more terrible way if I saw him and he pretended he didn't see me, but I think he might. I'd rather just not see him at all... I keep running over this scenario in my head. Basically, what to do when we eventually cross paths?