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Another breakup story or the tragic end to a true love?
I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...
We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't...much of a farmer.
Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.
So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.
...
Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...
I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.
Ugh.
So...
At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.
...Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?
Your mom is absolutely right. He is playing games and acting VERY childish. Continue with what you are doing. At this point, I would not worry about ever saying hi to him, as he will probably just try avoiding you anyway. In regards to his friend, he probably had his friend stand "watch" and report back to him on what your reaction was when you saw him talking to the other girl. I hope that you did not go and try to find him (although it sounds like you did), as this is giving him what he wants. He WANTED you to seek him out, and then ultimately find him talking to another girl. He does want to make you jealous because deep down he is regretting breaking up with you (the grass is always greener on the other side). Don't give him even this much power!!! You are much stronger than that. Stop fixating on having an opportunity to say hi to him. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then don't fret.
And by the way, if you are thinking that there might be a chance to get back with him, think about how immature he is acting right now. Do you really want to have a future with an immature person like this?
Your mom is absolutely right. He is playing games and acting VERY childish. Continue with what you are doing. At this point, I would not worry about ever saying hi to him, as he will probably just try avoiding you anyway. In regards to his friend, he probably had his friend stand "watch" and report back to him on what your reaction was when you saw him talking to the other girl. I hope that you did not go and try to find him (although it sounds like you did), as this is giving him what he wants. He WANTED you to seek him out, and then ultimately find him talking to another girl. He does want to make you jealous because deep down he is regretting breaking up with you (the grass is always greener on the other side). Don't give him even this much power!!! You are much stronger than that. Stop fixating on having an opportunity to say hi to him. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, then don't fret.
Thank you! I didn't go up to see what was going on but was watching from far away where I was sitting. I think it's funny that he was trying to make me jealous but all he did was make me realize that he acts like an idiot and is incredibly childish.
And I agree. Whether I say hi to him or not is no big deal. Right now I need to heal. Break-ups are so weird because there's the rational mind telling me how to go about life and the emotional/hormonal side that's going nuts. Luckily, the rational side will win out eventually! And it's great to be snapped back into it by my mom and people like you!
Today was much better. I feel like going through experiences like that, where I either see him or he acts like an idiot (or both), it solidifies my feelings of acceptance and moving on a little bit more.
It also helps that I'm busy right now and social and making a huge effort to do new things.
Of course it has only been 17 days but my friends say they see a major improvement in me from a week ago and I feel it too. I still think about him a lot but it's in a different way. Not constantly sad. It still stings and it still sucks.
Seeing him was the worst. Also bad: I feel lonely when I want to call him or know we'd be doing something fun. And I want to share good news with him and lie in bed with him and talk. I know it's going to be hard for a while, but I think I've done well so far.
Things I'm enjoying:
Setting my own schedule, all my free time, feeling liberated to make choices that only concern myself, meeting new people, making spontaneous plans, finding support in other people and myself, thinking up goals without limitations, flirting with guys and trying new things.
I couldn't agree with you more!!! You ARE doing great. Just remember that the next time that you enter into a relationship, don't stop doing what you are doing right now. You should have your own life even when you are in a relationship, otherwise you could become resentful. It sounds like you had lost yourself for awhile when you were in that relationship. Don't EVER forget who you are.
I just thought I would check in and see how you are doing Jami. I really knew right from the start that you would make it through all of this, and be a stronger person. I got that vibe from you right away!
It looks like Mom of 2 has been giving you some very good advice, and comfort! She's got your back!
I can't wait to hear how well you are doing, once you have had time to go through all of the things you need to in order to move forward.
I'm pulling for you big time!!
Once again,...Best of Luck to you!! I know you will come out of this on the positive side, and a great guy will be thankful that he met you!
I know I'm doing well but I really missed tonight in a pained way. I went dancing with my friends and had an awesome time. It was great. But as the night wore on and people were coupling and going home, I started to feel awful. And I know that it's OK. But it's still hard. The weekend nights are proving to be particularly rough. I need to stop checking his facebook. He made it so that I can't see anything about him except his college year, but he's friends with my pets who have facebook accounts (laugh if you want. it's silly) and he made his info unavailable to one of my pets but forgot to do that for the other. So I could see that he was blocking me from his information. The thing was, he wasn't hiding anything. It doesn't even say "single." It was either to make me question or to protect me from a potential future "single" status. I blocked him from my wall last week. I KNOW that it doesn't matter. I KNOW that all this is stupid, yet right now it's affecting me. It's really frustrating.
Oh lord...I wish I could sleep.
I also need to voice a secret irrational concern because it will make me feel better to get it off my chest: Right now, I know that he misses me and is doing things to leave me guessing and try to make me feel jealous. I know that. And it helps to know that. To know that he's not dealing with this that maturely and that he's struggling with his feelings for me. But I'm concerned that he'll start dating or having sex with someone soon and I'll see them together and all these efforts he's making to appear happy will suddenly be real. I know that he shouldn't be the focus of my attention and that I should be the focus of my attention, but it's still hard. There's just a lot on my mind right now. I need to stop focusing on "what ifs" and my concern over what he does. I need to really concentrate all my focus away from him.
Everything you're feeling and thinking is SO NORMAL! I really empathize with you. I went through all of this myself, and even though the circumstances were totally different, I was with my ex for yrs., and then one day it came crashing down like a skyscraper!
It is hard enough just to imagine what he might do, and 100 times harder when the reality of it hits. It really sucks! And when it happens you feel like you're back at day one. I tried to stay away from the places my ex hung out at, but I know that's hard for you since you are both in the same school.
I wish I had some magic words for you hun. All I can say is it does get better. Sometimes it does take a really long time, depending on the circumstances, but the hurt lessens a little more everyday. Well, it does to an extent. Some days can be really bad, I know.
Do you want company? I'm here and wide awake if you want to talk, ok?
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