I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...

We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't...much of a farmer.

Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.

So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.

...


Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...

I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.

Ugh.

So...

At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.


...Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?

jamimama

Thanks so much for your encouragement! I have to keep reminding myself that seeing him in such an unflattering light in which he demonstrates that he can't be civil and oftentimes looks completely childish (if not drunk) helps me stop romanticizing him and our relationship.

It helps so much to know that you've been through this and made it out OK. I am having trouble finding people to relate to. My mom can give good advice but is disappointed that I'm still in this state. I know she wants the best for me and it's frustrating to see me stuck on Evan, but I wish I could change it too.

I'm not sure how to improve on what I've been doing to cope best: the things I've thought about are going to see a therapist and being all Oprah and making some goals for self-fulfillment for myself.

starbuck8

I know that Mom's can be like that Jami. They weren't there, nor were your friends, to understand how your relationship felt to you. You are the only one who had the inside scoop on that. Don't let anyone set a time limit for you. I'm not saying that you shouldn't make yourself get out there and set goals, but only you will know when all of it sits right in your head.

I think a therapist is a good idea. It will help to talk to someone that is unbiased, and just knows YOU, not Evan and you as a couple.

talaniman

When I was going thru the break up blues, it was the things that I learned about myself that freaked me out the most. Especially when it was me doing the mind tricks on myself, and not her, she was just doing what she does, and I was reading it like some romance novel, I was my own drama king, and tried to put it on her. But when I stopped the games with myself and focused on ME, I worried about her a lot less. Sometimes being in certain places, or catching glimpses of them, triggers those old emotions, and feeling, and overwhelm our senses for a moment. I had to learn to physically bring the focus back to the present, and do something else besides think. It got easier the more I did it. Believe it or not EXERCISE, is a good physical outlet, and at parties, dancing. Yep anything that changes your focus, even combing your hair, is a good thing. Back then I had the most polished shoes of anyone.

jamimama

I've had a good day today so far: I did things I wanted, which included spending time outdoors with friends, going on a bike ride and going for a jog with a friend, doing some fun extracurriculars and going to dinner with another friend. I was able to take my mind off him a lot. BUT of course I saw him from a distance and two friends mentioned that they had seen him in my area and those sightings completely set me off course. I am excited to see a therapist and I'm feeling a little better today, but the constant presence he has in my environment is driving me nuts.

I am jokingly/honestly considering not going out tonight. As much as I want to have fun, this is a very small campus and now that he's out and about, I know I'll see him or be in a place surrounded by his friends who remind me of him despite my best interest to avoid. I'd ideally find some friends to dance with and a place to dance. Dancing is the best medicine.

That other guy who tried to kiss me apparently has extremely strong feelings and remains unfazed by my heartbreak in pursuing me. My friends keep telling him that now is not the time and that I'm in a manic, crazy place: I am focusing on me and can't handle a relationship, but he's not relenting.

Things to focus on:
1. the nice weather and being outside as much as possible
2. acing my classes
3. finding a job (applying for fifty in the process)
4. working through my feelings and keeping lists (lists are very therapeutic)
5. exercise
6. my friends who have been so amazingly supportive this whole time.

jamimama

It wouldn't be a real day if I didn't see Evan.

...I was doing fine, feeling great, and then I saw him again today.
It's 4/20 (for those of you unfamiliar, lots of marijuana-smoking and strange behavior on college campuses like mine) so he was out playing frisbee and presumably getting high. I was there to take in the enjoy the spectacle as an observer and to see friends.

I am so much better off when he doesn't exist.

We both saw each-other from a slight distance but again didn't say hi. But at least this time he didn't try to make me jealous. And eventually, I left. It feels to weird to be around him.

Earlier, I set a date in my head of May 1 as the day I would go up to him and say "Hi. I want to know if you want to be friends after all this" or something along those lines. The more I see him, the longer this goes on, the more I talk to people who have broken NC and barely lived to tell about it, the more I realize that this idea is not necessarily a good one.

I'm also quite terrified by some of the questions on this forum of "It's been two years and I'm still not over my ex." Right now, people are telling me it's going to get better and that I'll move on, but right now I can't imagine feeling completely like myself again and the posts of such long drawn out withdrawals are scary to say the least.

starbuck8

I'm sorry Jami. All I can say is I know how you feel...and so do so many other people on here. But it's personal to you, just like it is to the rest of us. I know you think in your head...but our relationship was different! It's really hard when you're the only one who knows all of the intimate details, and you think that nobody quite understands just how much it hurts you personally.

Try and think of this as a very hard final exam Jami. Evan is giving you the test, and you are going to go through all of your past notes, go through all of the practice exercises, and your goal is to pass the test with flying colors! Think of it as something else you can add to your lifes resume, and when the resume looks right to you, you will go out there with so much more experience and the knowledge you need to find someone that will hand in the perfect resume to you too.

I know that might have sounded a bit corny, but setting a goal to say hi to him on May 1, isn't the goal you should be setting hun. That will only set you back. Sometimes ex's can be friends, but not in this type of situation, and definately not until you are truly over him.
Otherwise, it really IS just an excuse to stay in contact with him.

What could that possibly accomplish? One of two things. He will say Hi back, and it will give you a glimmer of hope, or he can totally blow you off, and then you are right back at day one. I know it sucks, but it's the reality of it.

Try and stay away from places on campus that you know he likes to go. It's not fair, but unless you want to have that sick feeling in your stomach all of the time, it's what you have to do. I know that sometimes it's unavoidable for you sometimes, but just think, Grad is coming soon. Try to think of that as a new beginning for you.

I sure wish I would've listened to my own advice YEARS ago!!

talaniman

You will never be completely like your old self. as you are learning, and growing, you just don't see it yet. Its you putting the pressure on yourself, and when you stop, you will see the whole world quite differently.

jamimama

I have to spread the rep but this is life-changing insight. Seriously. This is the way I should be looking at this.

jamimama

Warning: I know this is long and it's really for me to reflect on the fact that it's been a month since the break-up more than I need advice. Skip this rambling if you like and I couldn't possibly be less offended. Four weeks. Whoa, I can't believe it was a month ago. It's unbelievable. I made it a month NC and I'm here to say that so can anyone else. But I've only done 1 day of not checking his facebook. My goal right now is to do a week and then hopefully, eventually, that will become a month, etc.

I have to say, it's definitely gotten easier. There hasn't been a particular arc or line of progress, but I'm definitely better. I think seeing him and moments of reality setting in have really pushed me forward. Staying busy, active and social - and trying to find growth in loss - is all you can do. There are no shortcuts. Just ways to make it not worse.

It's been easier the last couple of days when I've been busy and active, hard when I've been alone, hard when I fixate on him, extremely hard when I've seen him.

And I tend to come on this board when I'm bored, confused or upset or when I've seen him, so these posts don't reflect the amount of progress I've made and the general amount of happiness and socializing I've been engaging in. At the same time, it's still extremely hard.

Clearly, there are hard days and hard moments and lots of manic moments, but I now realize that you have to take it a day at a time.

I really like Tal's and Starbuck's advice of reframing the way I look at this process of the break-up (and all their other wise words of coures). It's very Tao: I can't change the fact of the break-up but I can change the way I approach it and feel about it. First of all, I can't hope for "old Jami" back. I am going to get new, improved, wiser Jami and I can't force her progress. She will develop. Secondly, this is a test. Of strength, endurance and independence. And I want to come out on top.

People say that we have to rationalize bad things in our lives to cope as if it's a bad thing. No, it's psychology and survival. It's a good thing. If we didn't find the good in the bad, if we couldn't find ways to make our lives better when things aren't going well, we'd all be sullen, awful people stuck in the past. We have to understand and see the positive.

The more I reflect, the more I pick up on the warning signs that he wanted to end things and signs that this would happen. I also look back and while it's easy to focus on the amazing parts of our relationship, I have to consider some bad parts as well. I am beginning to reflect on how I am in relationships and in this one in particular. I invested a lot in my relationship with Evan: I cut out a lot of friends and gave him a great deal of my time and energy. More than he gave me. And I realize that Evan's negative words about my friends rubbed off on me and I became very judgmental and closed off from many relationships. His opinions affected me a lot. And now I am seeing one of my friends cut off her friends for her boyfriend and I see her going down my path. I see how much it hurts those around her without her even realizing it. And I am looking at all the free time I have these days and while it was amazing to fill the hours with Evan going on adventures, biking, having fun or just hanging out, I am now trying to learn to enjoy time alone.

I've also realized that I can be attractive to guys and flirting can be fun.

I still miss Evan but it's not the longing, mopey, "I want him back" sort of missing him. It's a less attached missing him and there's a bit of a frustration/anger underneath as opposed to a "woe is me."

I have a month left of school and I am having terrible anxieties about graduating since I have no job and no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing. And part of me wishes I had this month to spend with Evan. But the alternative to my single, lonely confused life right now is so awful: in all alternative situations, Evan and I would be spending all our time together because we'd be apart after graduation and I'd be missing out on lots of experiences at the end of college. Either 1) Evan and I would have stayed together if I didn't know about him wanting to break up with me and I'd be in for an awful surprise come graduation day or 2) I would've stayed with him despite knowing that he'd want to end it with me and I'd be depressed/sad/clingly/convinced I could make him stay and I'd have lost my dignity. Given that I couldn't change Evan's feelings about wanting to separate, those are the two alternatives to my independence. And I think that this is the better option for me. And even if Evan had wanted to stay with me, it would have been great and fun and comfortable, but I'd still have the anxieties about making it through his time abroad and our future together and I'd have major doubts. I'd also probably be pulling away or not enjoying my time here because I'd be clinging to him.

starbuck8

You amaze me with your words all the time my girl. You know yourself very well, and I absolutely believe with all of my heart that you will come out of this just fine, and even better for having gone through this.

You called me wise, but I hope you take your experiences and use them alot more wisely than I ever did. And actually, I would bet the house on that one! I'm behind you 100% and you know that!!