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Another breakup story or the tragic end to a true love?
I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...
We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't...much of a farmer.
Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.
So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.
...
Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...
I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.
Ugh.
So...
At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.
...Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?
Know that when the time is right, this too shall pass. You can not rush through it. Like I said, you will often go two steps forward and one step back. Just when you feel that you are making progress, something will throw you for a loop and you may feel that you are back where you started. This is COMPLETELY normal and should not frustrate you. The fact that you are going through these shifting feelings means that you are normal and that you are human AND that you are HEALING. Know that you are NOT alone. Again, acknowledge your pain, mourn your loss, as ignoring it will only delay the inevitable feelings that will show up eventually. You can't avoid it forever. Feeling pain means that you are still alive.
Although I agree that his shaving off his gotee COULD be a liberation move, you have to realize that focusing on why he does things is wasted energy. It is normal to wonder, as you had cared for him for so long. However, you need to refocus that energy on yourself. Trying to guess what he is doing, going to do and why he chooses to do things are wasted energy. You only have control over what YOU do. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference." This line from the Serenity Prayer has been my mantra for a long time and has saved me more than once.
You are a strong, intelligent and caring person. You will get through this. Vent here, that is what we are here for. To help you in any way that we can. Make whatever moves that you can in order to liberate yourself as well. This is a time of change, a time to heal. Be good to yourself. I know you can do it.
Thank you so much. So much. I know that it shouldn't matter, but I did find out that he didn't shave, which for some reason made me feel better.
I wish I could focus on myself right now. I know that that would be healthy. But it's hard to switch off the mode of being so concerned about someone else.
I look forward to tomorrow when I am going to a city I love to be with a friend I love. I am going to be busy, get a haircut, go shopping, talk to people and be around someone who has always been there for me. And then I have a job interview while I'm there. I know that that'll be good for me. I am already dreading coming back.
Yesterday and today have been HARD. Last night, I tried to talk to my mom when I was feeling terrible, but despite her best efforts, what she was saying made me worse. "What did you think was going to happen?" "You should've seen this coming."
But last night I was walking back from my friend's recital, which made me cry and feel awful: beautiful music is the worst.
Anyway, walking home, I was feeling like and ran into my friend who was walking the other way. He sat down with me and let me cry and he gave me the support I needed at that moment. Then, I came home, and my housemate was up doing work and despite all that she has going on, took the time to talk with me.
This morning, I woke up early and got breakfast with the friend I saw last night and another friend. I am realizing now that friends are amazing. Despite all this crap and the loneliness and sadness and heartbreak weighing down on me, I am seeing that I am really blessed.
That is what friends are for. If they are true friends, they will allow you to vent and just listen. Sounds like you have a wonderful support system, which is what you need at this moment.
Continue to cry, as this can be very theraputic. Take what ever advice that they may give you that you feel is appropriate and helpful and leave the rest at the door. You know what you need and what you don't.
Take one day at a time, because that is all that you most likely can handle right now. Live in the moment and try to avoid the what if's. This is easier said than done. I sometimes find myself playing this game and it is so unproductive.
Continue to count the blessings that you have. I don't know if you like country music or not, but there is a song by Rascal Flatts that I always put on whenever I feel those down moments and it is very liberating. It is called "Stand". One of the verses goes:
Cuz when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend til you break
Cuz that's all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad, you get strong
Wipe your hands, shake it off
Then you stand
Imagine me, a mom of 2 in my minivan with the stereo blaring and the windows down, singing loud and proud without a care in the world about who hears me. It is quite funny, and yes, liberating. This is such an empowering song.
Stand is one of my favorites as well.... an AMAZING song for an AMAZING woman. I was actually listening to it this morning on my way to work. YouTube - Rascal Flatts - Stand
You ARE incredibly blessed, Jami, dear. Always remind yourself of that. You will make it. You will be stronger because of it.
Good news: I just got another job interview.
Bad news: This news seems so miniscule compared to the enormity of the break up.
I feel like even if I won an Oscar right now, it'd still be nothing compared to the badness I'm feeling and the fact that I'd want to share the news with him.
I know that this will in time get easier and I am glad that I'm working through this and experiencing it. Better now than "In a week, it will get worse." No, it's bad now. It may be bad next week, and it may be bad a week after, but it will get better.
Good news: I just got another job interview.
Bad news: This news seems so miniscule compared to the enormity of the break up.
I feel like even if I won an Oscar right now, it'd still be nothing compared to the badness I'm feeling and the fact that I'd want to share the news with him.
I know that this will in time get easier and I am glad that I'm working through this and experiencing it. Better now than "In a week, it will get worse." No, it's bad now. It may be bad next week, and it may be bad a week after, but it will get better.
That's how I've been feeling. Since the break up, whenever something good has happened to me I can't feel happy about it. Before the break up I had a midterm for my one class and he seemed concerned about how it had gone. I got it back after the break up and I did well on the test and my paper but I only felt a little proud. Couldn't call or text to let him know how I did. Like he would care now anyways.
I hate that. I try looking at the positives and good things I have in my life right now to make me feel better. But that thing....that ONE thing I ended up losing just gets to me.
Like you said...it's going to be bad. You can't put a time limit on anything. Who knows how long it'll take to get completely over him. But you know it can only get better. I still feel so bad, but I start to notice little improvements. I still cry, but not as often. I think about him constantly, but i still haven't given into checking his myspace or trying to "check up on him".
That's how I've been feeling. Since the break up, whenever something good has happened to me I can't feel happy about it. Before the break up I had a midterm for my one class and he seemed concerned about how it had gone. I got it back after the break up and I did well on the test and my paper but I only felt a little proud. Couldn't call or text to let him know how I did. Like he would care now anyways.
I hate that. I try looking at the positives and good things I have in my life right now to make me feel better. But that thing....that ONE thing I ended up losing just gets to me.
Like you said...it's going to be bad. You can't put a time limit on anything. Who knows how long it'll take to get completely over him. But you know it can only get better. I still feel so bad, but I start to notice little improvements. I still cry, but not as often. I think about him constantly, but i still haven't given into checking his myspace or trying to "check up on him".
Everything is gonna be all right.
When was your break up? When did you start to feel improvements? I am on the second week and it feels worse than the first.
When was your break up? When did you start to feel improvements? I am on the second week and it feels worse than the first.
Well, tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since the break up. I still can't beleive it, it doesn't even feel like any time has passed. The improvements are small. Very small, but it's still something. I can't really say when they started. I just look back at the thinking I've done over the last 3 weeks and figure I must be heading somewhere. Sometimes this thinking makes me feel stronger, and other times it makes me feel so much worse. Maybe I would go a day w/out crying, but then completely break down at some random moment the next. Any time I feel any little spark of happiness...even if it's just for a brief moment...I see it as an improvement. Even if the next hour or two are spent crying or feeling depressed. It makes getting over this seem possible, even if i still have a long way to go.
One thing that's helping me a little is planning. I look at this month and the following and I'm trying to plan stuff for the weekends. I got tickets to some Indians games, a couple of concerts, and a trip over to Cedar Point in May. Sadly I didn't plan anything for this weekend
I've been able to get my mind off Evan for a bit in the city with my friend. It's been up and down. I don't have time for a real update, but I am definitely hurting. I'm having dreams where he either tries to get back together with me or I screw up getting back together with him every night. It's really painful. I wake up and feel so alone and sad. On the other hand, I got a haircut and bought some new clothes and it's nice to meet new people.
Breaking up is never easy on anyone. You will get over it when you allow yourself the time to grieve and to get over it. You can't put a time period on it. Even if you were the person to do the breaking up, you would still feel a sense a loss. Maybe if you were the one who initiated the breakup it would be a little different, but there would still be a sense of loss that you feel. Don't fall into the trap of comparing how long it took you to get over someone to another person who is going through a breakup. Everyone is an individual and everyone has their own thoughts and feelings and ways of doing things. You will get over your breakup in your own way and in your own time. People may give you advice on what you can do to get over a bad relationship, but only you can ultimately decide what you are going to do, when you are going to do it and how long it will take to be able to move on.
You will feel good on some days and bad on some days. Even if you were not suffering from a breakup, you would still have good days and bad days. If you did not have any bad days, how would you know if you were having a good day?
An exercise that I still do to this day is to FORCE myself to think of at least two positive things that have happened to me every day. It could be something mundane such as having the time to put all of the laundry away or dusting all of the furniture. OR it could be something monumental such as getting praise at work for a job well done, getting a raise, promotion, or the fact that the sun was shining and you had 5 minutes to enjoy it, etc. Whenever something brings you even a second of happiness, this is a positive moment. These are blessings and each one should be counted. When I see that I have positive things, then this brings me positive thoughts. Yeah, it would be nice to be in a relationship and be able to share these special moments with that special someone, but don't let that stop you from telling someone. You should not give someone the POWER to take away any positive moment from you just because that person is no longer in your life. Give this power to yourself, not someone else. You have every right to feel positive about yourself. You don't have to be in a romantic relationship to share these positive moments. If you are not in a relationship, then share these moments with a close girlfriend or a family member. Be proud of yourself!!!!
Jamimama, whether you realize it or not, you are doing well. It has only been 2 weeks and it is probably going to take a lot longer to get over than that. Don't force a time constraint on yourself, as this will cause further stress on yourself if you do not meet that timeline.
I'm glad that you had a fun time in the city. Enjoy your new look and try to stay positive. You will get over these hurt feelings.
It's a beautiful day out so everyone was sitting outside in this one particular area in the center of campus. My friend asked if I wanted to go there to find one of her friends to sit outside for a while. So we went and as we were walking from one side of the grassy area to the other, I was telling a story and not engaged in what was going on. We stopped at the far end to look for her friend and I saw Evan, sitting with two friends. My stomach sank. He had seen me. I had passed him. I am trying to avoid him completely because I feel absolutely awful when I see him. Like crying and screaming and throwing up and all good things. But at least he saw me being social and looking good (I was wearing a very confidence-boosting dress) if he had to see me at all. So we went sort of at a diagonal....back up and around him and I talked to my friend Jon. After I did this, Evan waited a while and then he put on his shoes. He walked out of his way to avoid passing me, up this little hill and down again.
So he walks for a while with his friend, clearly avoiding me, and then I see Evan and his friend doing something behind a tree. Evan’s friend is staring at me. And then I realize that there's someone behind the tree that Evan is talking to. Evan, who is not a very social person, is trying to pretend that he is flirting with this girl. He’s smiling and trying to act all cool. But soon the girl goes to leave when a GUY comes and picked her up. This girl had a boyfriend and Evan was just hoping to make me jealous by flirting with someone and pretending to look happy.
I was wondering why his friend was staring at me to see if I had a reaction!
This all made me feel pretty frustrated: This is a boy who two weeks ago I was in love with and now he’s trying to play games with me. I was upset so I talked to my mom who reassured me that he is acting childish and he is hurt and that regardless of what he does, I need to move on and realize that I made an autonomous decision to not let him string me along. I stood by him through a lot, I was patient with him, I was kind to him, and now he’s playing games.
I did plan on saying “Hi” to him when I walked by him (this was the first time I actually saw him in public) so I was upset that it was in a situation where I couldn’t say “Hi” and confront my fear. I will next time, I hope.
My mom is such a help in these situations. And I’m glad that I got custody over the grassy public area. I doubt he’ll be going back there anytime soon if he couldn’t stand to sit there with me around for five minutes.
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