I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...

We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't...much of a farmer.

Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.

So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.

...


Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...

I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.

Ugh.

So...

At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.


...Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?

starbuck8

There isn't much I can add to this because it sounds like you have the best advice around, and you are in good hands. I just wanted to comment. I've read the entire thing all the way through, and it sounds like you are a very intelligent, loving, caring person, with a very kind heart. Evan doesn't know what he's missed out on, in my opinion!

Take it slow and easy girl. You'll know when the right time is to put yourself out there again. You're going through the motions exactly the way you should and need to.

I wish you the best of luck, love, and happiness in the world darlin!

jamimama

Thanks so so so so much for your kind words and for reading my sometimes rambling, oftentimes self-centered thoughts. People have been giving me great advice but it's always nice to get some more when everyone seems to be helping you do the right thing. The more consensus, the better. To go on this site and get support and assurance that I did the right thing and that now, despite my feelings of sadness, I am actually doing OK given the circumstances...it's amazing.

jamimama

UPDATE: I SAW EVAN. Technically...

OK so I'm coming out of a campus building, I'm two steps out, and I see him walking maybe 100 feet away crossing the street, not coming toward the building, minding his own business. And what did I do? I RAN BACK INSIDE THE BUILDING. And then when I was sure he couldn't see me, I took another step out and watched him walk home for a second. Now I'm laughing at myself because I kept wondering "What will I do when I see him?" and, it turns out, even if I barely see him, my instinct is to run and hide...and then stare at him.

Oh lord. Well, ... what are you going to do.

I also think he may have shaved off his (less than attractive) beard, which makes me upset because it's like one of those liberation moves along the lines of cutting the hair, losing weight, etc. that you do when you have your heart broken. He does not deserve the ability to pull a liberation move because he's the one who broke MY heart. When we were together, I always (gently) told him that I liked him shaven and he wouldn't do it because he loved his beard. So hmph. But, of course, I was also 100 feet away from him when I saw him so who knows if I can trust my eyesight. Beard may still be there and I have bad vision and a fallible memory.

Break ups can be so hard but sometimes you just have to laugh. They're also extremely stupid. And they really bring the crazy out of people.

starbuck8

I think what you did was perfectly normal. You haven't seen him since the break-up, after all.

Yeah, it sucks when the one that did the 'breaking up' pulls the liberation move. You should do the same, and it will be just be another step in getting through this. Go get yourself a new haircut, go on a shopping spree and buy something crazy,...just do something that is just for you!

Good Luck to you!!

ISneezeFunny

starbuck's right. perfectly normal.

The week after my ex and I broke up, I ended up taking longer ways to class to avoid her...and I'm talking about ducking and weaving. I might as well have worn ninja-wear and have done tuck and rolls around campus. In the end, I realized that my ex and I don't ever cross paths...except when I go to the local gym, as she works there.

As far as the liberation thing...I'm not so sure if my ex has done her "liberation" movement, but I guess getting a new boyfriend within 2 weeks counts...right?

As far as my liberation thing, I lost about 18 lbs (still losing), started hitting the gym, spent about a grand on new clothes, and with the money I had saved up for a condo (for the ex and me when we graduate...), I bought a gsx-r. ...yep. that's mine.

go get your liberation on.

starbuck8

Hehehe, Campus Ninja's. Congrats on losing the weight by the way!

Chameleon24

I have yet to run into my ex. It's been almost 3 weeks since the break up and I haven't seen him since that week. I know that I would do the same thing though: duck and weave. I guess if it's obvious that we see eachother maybe i'll wave or just sort of smile and nod in acknowledgement. I would only talk if he makes the first move. He would most likely ignore me though if he ever saw me.
Im glad we don't work together or go to school together. We don't even live that close so the chances of bumping into eachother are slim. The thought of seeing him just terrifies me.

jamimama

all right. right now i'm feeling like the most absolute s--t. ugh, crying and then staring and then crying...break ups rule! i don't know why more people don't do them.

i feel awwwwwwwwful.

starbuck8

Awww, I know that feeling. It's not fun at all! Unfortunately there's no way around it. I know that doesn't help you much, but try and put on some upbeat music that doesn't remind you of him...if you can find any.

Keep on writing away if you want. B*#ch away, cry, scream, whatever you have do to. There is always someone around to listen.

Mom of 2

Know that when the time is right, this too shall pass. You can not rush through it. Like I said, you will often go two steps forward and one step back. Just when you feel that you are making progress, something will throw you for a loop and you may feel that you are back where you started. This is COMPLETELY normal and should not frustrate you. The fact that you are going through these shifting feelings means that you are normal and that you are human AND that you are HEALING. Know that you are NOT alone. Again, acknowledge your pain, mourn your loss, as ignoring it will only delay the inevitable feelings that will show up eventually. You can't avoid it forever. Feeling pain means that you are still alive.

Although I agree that his shaving off his gotee COULD be a liberation move, you have to realize that focusing on why he does things is wasted energy. It is normal to wonder, as you had cared for him for so long. However, you need to refocus that energy on yourself. Trying to guess what he is doing, going to do and why he chooses to do things are wasted energy. You only have control over what YOU do. "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change and the wisdom to know the difference." This line from the Serenity Prayer has been my mantra for a long time and has saved me more than once.

You are a strong, intelligent and caring person. You will get through this. Vent here, that is what we are here for. To help you in any way that we can. Make whatever moves that you can in order to liberate yourself as well. This is a time of change, a time to heal. Be good to yourself. I know you can do it.