I met my ex the second day of college and we just broke up this week after three and a half years. I had been through everything with Evan. I stayed by him when last year, we both went abroad to separate countries for the semester and he decided we needed to put things on pause, so he could do his own thing for the semester. I followed, pursuing him, confused, missing him, wanting to be with him, we visited each-other a couple of times and I was always frustrated but still in love...

We came back for senior year and he decided that when we graduate in May, he's going to farm abroad for seven months with limited communication or anything. But, we figured we'd stay together. We were in so so so so much love. But this is what he wanted and I wasn't...much of a farmer.

Then, he wasn't going to tell me, but by joking around I got it out of him, that he wanted to end the relationship in May before he went away. It wouldn't work beyond college. I was devestated: back in the same place. He said he loved me and wanted to stay with me until graduation, but he would not be able to give me the communication and relationship I needed while he was away. And he'd come back and he didn't want to make plans that compromised to what I wanted to do with my life. He also said that he didn't think I'd ever break up with him. He "deliberated" and I told him that I knew he'd already made up his mind. Without me. He decided it was going to end and when.

So I said no, I can't stay with you if it's going to end. That's not what I want. Eventually, he slammed the door on his way out. I ran downstairs to ask if he was sure. He angrily said he was sure and slammed the door. I haven't seen him since.

...


Together for three and a half years, so in love, my soulmate, my best friend, I'm lonely without him, I miss him TERRIBLY, I want to see him but also DO NOT want to see him...

I'm just glad that I find a site like this where people share my pain. It can be so isolating to go through something like this, and it's a comfort to know that everyone does it and everyone (eventually) ends up OK. I feel like some people in my life don't understand. We were together for 3.5 years and someone told me "Oh, give it a week. You'll be over him." I wish. I miss him severely. I want to avoid him and talk to him at the same time.

Ugh.

So...

At the time, I felt like I made the right decision about breaking up now as opposed to graduation being better. That's the time of my life to be moving on, exploring, doing new things and if I'm dealing with a breakup, that's hardly a positive start to my new life. Plus, when we broke up for abroad, I pined and yearned the whole time based on false hope. And the time between his breaking up and our actually breaking up was awful. Completely cheapened, sad, bittersweet.


...Anyone been in a similar situation? Have any advice?

talaniman

From reading your words, it seems your realising there is much for you to do for your own happiness. Thats great, and will lead to positive productive action, in your own behalf.

Mom of 2

Sorry I have been away for about a week. It is great to see that you have accomplished so much in a week's time. You may not see it, but it is there. Whether or not you realize it, you are growing and learning. You are making progress.

I agree about the "making a goal to say hi". That is not a good idea. It is apparent that you cannot be friends otherwise this would have happened already (I think you realize that now).

Reframing your thoughts is very therapeutic and necessary. I must say that although you should not keep revisiting the places where he will be, I would not walk out of your way to entirely avoid them either. If you do that, you are really putting a lot of energy in avoiding, wich will ultimately MAKE you think about him more. Who knows, maybe one day you will walk past a place where you guys used to hang out together and then suddenly realize it after you pass by.

Keep doing what you are doing, cuz you are making progress and doing great!!!

jamimama

Not checking his Facebook: hard at first and then soooo empowering.

Mom of 2

Remember, it is all about little steps.

Chameleon24

It makes you feel so much better not to check it. I realize that when i look at my ex's facebook or find out something going on his life...it just gives me more things to think about. You don't want that. Just remember...you don't want to know what he's up to because you don't care. You need to have your mind set on your life right now.
And if you do feel the urge to go there...just ask yourself "why am I doing this? What do I want to see?" Go to a different website, or just shut down your computer. Sometimes when I felt the urge to check his page I would call up my sister or a friend...we'd start talking for awhile and by the time i got off the phone i wouldn't feel the urge anymore because I would have other things on my mind.

Mom of 2

That is great advice Chameleon. There are only so many thoughts that you mind can hold at any one time. If you make sure that they are full of thoughts that are not about him, then you will find that you will not think about him.

jamimama

Sorry I have been absent. I thought things were going well, but now I'm confused.

To update you, on Thursday I kissed a very nice boy (one I mentioned earlier in this thread) and although I did not intend to get involved with him, all weekend he went out of his way to contact me and see me. He's fun and funny and sweet. Tonight, he came over and asked why I wasn't kissing him. I told him I was unclear of what his agenda was or what he was doing. He said that he doesn't believe in monogamy nor does he strive for it. He said that the only girls he's dated he's known for a long time in advance and we are just getting to know each other. And he's kissing another girl who has an open relationship with a boyfriend abroad.

I respect that he was honest with me and am a bit confused about the situation. I think he's a nice guy and it's fun to hang out with him, but I'm used to being in a serious, monogamous relationship and knowing that he's with another girl would most likely drive me nuts. Even as an activity partner/cuddle buddy, this could get emotionally messy. It's not a very physical thing we have going, it's very emotional and datey, we're not hook-up buddies. He says that he wants to get to know me. And at the same time, there's only a month left of school. It's probably not wise to expect monogamy with anyone anyway. Everything will end soon. So...yeah...not sure how to work this out...

Oh lord...

talaniman

Your wise to see it for what it is. But having fun is what getting ready for the summer, and school to end is all about. Don't do anything to make you feel bad, to the contrary, enjoy the folks you meet.

Mom of 2

Yeah, this guy is upfront with you, which is a good thing. However, it sounds to me like he is a player and he expects you to be one too. If this is not in your character, then I would say don't change that. You are going to do what you are going to do no matter what anyone tells you. The point where you are at right now is a very vulnerable and delicate point. It IS nice to have someone there who you can cuddle with, etc., but don't compromise yourself because of a possible fear of being alone. You WILL find someone. Don't rush that and feel that you may be missing out. First impressions are important and if you feel that you are finding out somethings about a person early on that you don't like, then take that as a blessing that you are not wasting time and move on.

Keep going out there and having fun, but don't compromise your standards because you think other people think that you should. I don't want to say that all guys are like this, but there are some out there who are only interested in one thing and once that chase is over, then they go onto the next "victim". They think that they can get away with it because of the fact that they were upfront and honest in the beginning, but that is just a cop out.

Just be careful.

jamimama

Wow, it's been so long since I posted here. All your advice helped me immensely so my absence is a good thing! I've been dealing with some huge anxieties about graduation (officially occuring this Sunday) but I've been using this time to work on myself, to build on my friendships, to enjoy my friends and classes and the last bit of college.

I got accepted to a couple of cool opportunities and my finals went really well.

I've also been dating a guy who is sweet and great. I wasn't looking for the ultimate great love and he's not. So no worries. No pressure. It' just someone I like spending time with and going to senior events with (yes the non-monogomist but we talked it through and we aren't seeing other people). Since I was only exposed to one guy all through college, it's nice to be exposed to another. A lot of the things I really like about him make me realize that Evan had a lot of growing up to do.

So that brings me to today...I got a phone call from a number that isn't in my phone so I ignored it. Then I realized that that area code was Evan's area code. And that I don't have other friends, job opportunities or contacts in that area. So I'm assuming that Evan called me today. I can't find his number anywhere online (I deleted it after the breakup to make certain I wouldn't call him sobbing one night.) so I'm not 100% positive that it's him but I'm 99%.

I shouldn't call him back, right? No message. Just wait for him to call me again? I'm assuming if he did call, it was either 1) in error or 2) to catch up and say good bye before graduation.