Hello everyone,

First I'd like to introduce myself to askmehelpdesk.com. My name is Matt and I'm 19 years old seeking advice from the wise. When I was 15 I became attached to this girl whom I really didn't find that attractive but overlooked it by her personality. Like most couples, we did everything together, I was very very dependant of her. We also shared similar intrest. Her parents were very strict and I was only able to see her in school and 2 days a week out of school. We counted down till her 18th birthday, the day inwhich she was going to move in so we could be with each other forever. I would tell myself no matter what I'd never leave her and she also said the same, infact she seemed stronger about that then I did. A month before her 18th birthday 3 years into the relationship she backed down. She told me she is sick of being tied down, things are different, etc.. I called her and wanted to work it out but she had her mom tell me it was over. At first I was pissed - but then I just broke down for months. Throughout them months I had help from medication and a counselor along with friends and family. I seemed to get stronger even with the fact that I found out she was with a 30 year old man, her boss I believe. Last night hit me however, I saw that she used myspace.... Not really a big deal but then I had 5 back-to-back dreams about her and the following day I was just really depressed and missed what we use to have and memories kept coming up. I guess it just scares me because I feel that I won't get close to any other girl as I was to her, this girl was my first love and I lost my virginity to her - she however had several sex partners before me. Is it normal to have these feelings even 6 months after the breakup? I'm more dissapointed in myself then anything because I thought I'd be better by now. Even small things get to me, my heart races when I drive pass her work, my mind fills with questions after hearing her name, and also I've noticed my sex drive has decreased.. She was a very depressed person when I got with her and it seems now she left me being the hurt one. I also admit that she lacked self-respect. I'm sorry that this is rather lenthy but I just want to explain to you guys the best I can on the way I feel.

All feedback is very appreciated!!!

goldnugget

hi stat.

first of all, i am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain.

everyone is different and people take different lengths of time to recover from a breakup with someone they love, so, yes, still feeling like this after 6 months is 'normal' for you and a lot of other people. the pain is obviously more difficult for you because she was your first love and you thought it would last forever.

don't beat yourself up or think that you should be feeling okay by now. it is very normal to grieve for somebody who was once such an important part of your life and you may experience a lot of other feelings that can go along with your grief such as anger and blaming yourself. this is also normal and a part of recovering.

i would suggest that you continue to see your counsellor and talk to your friends and family about how you are feeling. you will eventually get to a place where each day seems a little easier and eventually you will feel okay.

i have been where you are and i know the pain.

talaniman

Your doing good for 6 months and will feel a lot better in a year. It takes time to heal and get comfortable after the death of a long relationship. Read some of the other posts by people going thru the same thing and you will see you are not alone as goldnugget so eloquently expressed. She has given some good advice so stay strong and stay on course.

PatBateman

Man, you sound just like me.

When I was 16, I started dating this girl I met at a highschool dance. It turned into a 6-year relationship which recently ended (3 months ago).

Like you said yourself, it was a dependency/safety type thing, and even 3 months out of it, I've realized that it wasn't true love or a healthy relationship at all.

In time, you will see the same thing and be happy that it is over. Right now, you may still be in withdrawl/shock that something that has been in your life for so long no longer is, but trust me, time does heal.

chuff

Hey Matt I'm Travis but you'll get to know me by my nickname Chuff. You'll learn I'm not the wisest here but I'll be happy to help you out. I would suggest though that any advice your given if it is consistent, follow that advice. Your doing a great job already because your at least reaching out seeking answers.


First, Being dependant on anyone is dangerous. Being dependent on a woman is lethal. Your learning this now and I'm learning in my late 20's so be glad your learning this at your age.

Second, Are you sure her parents only let you see her twice a week? I mean did you ever hear that from them? I almost wonder if she kept you at a distance so she could see other people. From what you've described she doesn't sound to stable.


False, you counted down the days. She did not as evidence by the fact she broke up with you. I'm not trying to put you down but if your going to get a hold of this situation you got to start looking at this in reality and not in an emotional state.


False. You were emotional so you believed what she said. Again the reality speaks to the fact she had no intention of staying with you.


She's a ***** and coward for not having the courage to do it herself. There I said it for you. Don't make excuses and tell me otherwise, either.


All natural feelings and be glad you had a support group to turn to. After my first break up of 2 1/2 years I had no family and my friends didn't want to hear about it. Think about those positives in your life when you start feeling depressed.


Well she's sleeping with her boss. What does that tell you. She uses people to get what she wants. She has several emotional problems. When she quits is going to have her mom call and do it for her? She's a weak woman. Your already better off without her or her drama.


The memories get easier with time. Your still healing. It's perfectly ok.


You'll actually get closer and maybe even have some more breakups.


This is also your first break up. The feelings you had of love were new and so are is the raw emotion of breaking up. It's perfectly fine and you will be able to recover. In five years from now you won't even think of her. When times get tough think to the future when she won't even be part of the picture.

The fact that she had several sex partners before you at such a young age and now that she is having sex with her boss tells me she has major problems. I hate to say this but it almost makes me wonder if she cheated on you through out your relationship.


Yes, this is very normal. It may take some more time but try to find some hobbies you can do. If you don't have a gym membership - get one. Working out not only decreases stress it provides you focus and if you do it on a regualar basis provides stability in your life.

Quit driving by her work. Take another route. Your just punishing yourself now by doing that. Your sex drive will come back. Your depressed right now but once you work through it things will be working fine.


I can tell she is a depressed person and probably very lonely on the inside just by her actions. Your right she has no self respect and after 3 years most of that wore off on you. I say most because you still have some to where she has none. And since you still have some you can and are going to recover from this. Give it some more time and find some hobbies. Get the gym membership or just go out for a walk around the neiborhoond. If you can take off for a day to another city that's just an hour or two away and do something different. Just a change of scenery can help out quite a bit.

J_9

Hey, Matt, welcome to AMHD. I am sorry you are feeling such pain right now. But as everyone has said, this is normal.

I just want you to understand, so you don't fall into the same trap, that this seemed like a very addictive and dependant relationship. This is not healthy for anyone, as a matter of fact it is very destructive to you mental an emotional health.

Again I am sorry for your pain, but you can use it to your advantage as a learning tool. Look back at all the good times, use those good times in the future. Look back at all the bad times, I am sure you will remember more as time goes on, and realize that was not healthy and you do not want that in the future.

Although this is a "death" of sorts, and you need time to grieve your loss, this is also a point that could be considered personal enhancement. You know now, or will know, what is healthy and what is not.

Yes, you will shy away from women for a while, but that is all in the growth process. You are still young, it may be good that this happened now so that in the future you possess greater knowledge for a happy relationship.

Skell

Hey matt,
Im Adam.

This is all very normal and i can fully understand your pain as can everyone else here.

I was with my first love fromt he age of 16. we were together 7 years until one day she just said she didnt love me anymore.
Very very painful. that was 6 months ago now. And it still hurts. Althoygh i am alot better now then i was 3 months ago.
A hell of a lot better.

So stick in there. Give it time and you will come good.

Stick around here. Read other people stories. Help other people that come here. I have found this to be a great healing device for me.

Also dont sit aorund feeling sad or sorry for yourself. get out and have fun, Meet people. Enjoy life as hard as that might seem right now.

You will get closer to someone again one day. Trust me. I felt for a long time that i would never ever love someone else. And although i havent or coudlnt for a while yet, i can now see that i will one day. But im in no hurry. And nor should you be.

For now just enjoy being young. It is a great time in your life. So make to most of it and get out there and enjoy life. throw yourself in to as many things as you can.

Work, sport, school, anything you can think of. I wouldnt even think too much about women for a while though. There are so many other aspects of life that you can enjoy. and one day someone willt umble into your life when you least expect it and all this pain now will be nothing but a distant memory and great learning expereince.

Stick around though. Im sure you have lots to offer people looking for help!

statixmx

Never have I seen a forum so helpful and kind. I really really appricate all of your replys - they have really helped me. Your posts have opened my eyes and made me understand that I'm still a kid and that there is plenty of time left to find a mate. Some post really made me think if I was actually cheated on throughout the relationship. I also understand that by under no means was this a healthy relationship. I'm so happy I have a place to goto if I have any problems with relationships or life in general. I myself will try the best to help others in similar situations. Any future replys are VERY appricated and will only help me more. Again, thanks so much guys!!!!

J_9

You can be a great help. And by helping you will be healing!!!

Glad you are happy with your responses so far!!!

Welcome Matt, you are "home" now. LOL

Skell

Thats good.
Glad we could help. It is nice to know.
And you said it yourself. You know it wasnt a healthy relationship.
Well it is good then that yopu are out of it and moving forward. No it doesnt mean it wont hurt but at least you can recognise that it is better of you not being in it!
And yes, you are young. So please enjoy that. It is a great time to be alive at your age. Dont let it pass you by!