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My gf and I broke up 3 days ago. We are in our early 20s. We go to the same school and have the same friends. The thing is, I made the ultimate mistake. I developed my entire life around her. I have a few friends (3 - 4) that I hang out with on occasion. But my day includes: classes, work, dinner with her, rest of the night with her. The days she isn't with me (when she hangs out with her friends) I am hanging out with mine. Truth is, she has more friends than me and she goes out more than I do...mainly because when she goes out, I have other things to do such as clean my apartment, laundry, go grocery shopping, other errands. So yeah. My bad on that.
In the 3 years we have been together, we have never fought. We have had small arguments here and there, but nothing big at all. No yelling, no hitting, nothing. We get along extremely well to the point her friends envy our relationship. Hell, her relatives envy our relationship.
The Breakup
The past week, she has been really stressed due to exams and competition (she is the captain of a certain team). So when she seemed a bit off, I just brushed it off. Over the weekend, I got a call from a (guy) friend of hers that she collapsed and was in the ER. I went there, found out she was just exhausted from stress. I took her home, took care of her, stayed up all night and made sure she ate, slept, etc. Next day, I take her back to her place, drop her off, and I went out to get some food for her. i come back and she is surrounded by her friends. No biggie...cept that she somewhat shafted me for her friends when I got back. So I left, I had things to do...but I don't get a call from her til 1am. This is very unusual as she usually calls me 3 - 4 times a day..but again, I brushed it off...she just got back from the hospital. she's tired. she's around her friends.
Next day, I ask her what's going on...why things have been happening in the manner that it has. She tells me that she herself has no idea why. She has noticed that as well, but had no clue. She wanted to take winter break (which was coming in 2 weeks) to find out what was wrong, but now that I brought it up, she wanted to take a break. I asked, what kind? she said, the kind where we talk and hang out, but we're not a couple. I immediately thought, bad idea. I suggested that we break up. So we break up.
Didn't sleep that night.
Post break up.
day 1 of BU (breakup), i find myself constantly checking phone/e-mail/etc. I don't call. I just check. I am told by my friend that she has at least 4 people with her at a given time...she is not allowed to be left alone. Apparently, she is a train wreck. I feel bad. I don't do anything. later, I walk out of the lib and find her walking with a guy that I was suspicious of...and she knew that I was. I call her, and she explains that he's been assigned by a friend to walk with her...apparently they take turns walking with her. fine.
i asked for a reason why we broke up. she said that she needs time to think. someone should make a t-shirt out of that phrase. i've had bad breakups before. I know it sucks for a while. I expected it, but not during finals week. this f-ing blows. can't study.
However, I am doing what sdjosh, samesame, mackenzie, etc are saying on here. NO CONTACT. I knew that. I don't initiate contact. drives me crazy, but i do it.
day 2 of BU. she decided that she is going to call me...everyday. she even said so. she said that she'll call me until i tell her not to. ball in my court. another t-shirt idea. i tell her that i will not call her. 4 hours later, i call her asking an innocuous question (i was curious to know the answer!!!) about her friend. that is all. we haven't talked since.
I hear that she's still a train wreck from my friends. doesn't eat. doesn't sleep. My idea is that she wants to take winter break to think about things. at this point, i'm hitting the gym. working on me. i'm doing everything I can to stay busy.
I will see her two more times in the next week (1: mutual friend's birthday is this week...so dinner. 2: we are meeting up this weekend to give each other some stuff back that we've left at each other's places)
my question is...
what do I tell her about the calling me daily thing? Granted, I love the fact that she calls me everyday. I wait for it. When she does call me, I act like an a-hole and I am very cold/distant. but should I just simply say, don't call me? I was planning on not calling her at all. maybe txting her on christmas to say merry christmas or new year's...but is THAT even wrong? help?
Disclaimer: I just read the post...it seems like she's somewhat of a jerk...but really, I just don't have the patience and the energy to type every little detail about us. Trust me, we treat each other equally in affection and respect. She is very sweet. I want to say that I'm in somewhat of the same boat as everyone else here...cept that she just makes it clear that she wants to take some time off, only reason she didnt want me to wait for her was that it'd be unfair for me. so yeah.
She is confused, and its making you confused. It may be a simple as she is doing to much, and needs to arrange a lighter schedule, or she wants to move in another direction, or make changes. She sounds very popular, and I can see her being pulled in many directions and her collapse tells me she can't do it, physically, but she tries. So in all that she gives you up. If your going to go no contact, then stop taking her calls. Let her straighten out her own issues, so be unavailable for the small talk, and false hope.
Hi sneeze
Sorry for your predicament sounds very confusing , I have seen this so many times on this site. I would say she has been thinking about this for some time as they usually have. So I think best thing for you to do is do the NC as you say your doing , this means no phone calls , texts , messaging etc. If she wants you she knows where you are , but I believe you say , you can either have all of me or none. Put the ball in her court and make her choose. If you agree to the calling everyday thing you are just playing into her hands and that is she will have her guilt eased because you will always be there for her even though she doesn't necessarily want to be with you.
Read the link at the bottom of my signature to see the common downfalls of dumpees.
makes sense. I figured as much, just wanted some confirmation. It is true, she is very busy. She's not very popular, but she's one of those "really nice people" that tries to please everyone, and for that, everyone loves her. Really, she's just nice to a fault.
Obviously, I don't want to "not talk to her" tomorrow at dinner, so I will. It's a very intimate dinner with just 4 - 5 close friends, and I'd rather not make things extremely uncomfortable. But I will just do small talk.
This weekend, when we are giving each other our stuff back, I will then talk to her about 100% no contact.
I am doing just fine. I have been making plans with friends and having dinner with them. I am able to study, although I get distracted every 15 min or so, I am chugging along. I am hitting the gym hard right before I go to sleep so that by the time I go to bed, I am completely exhausted.
She called me today just to see how I was doing. It was a 2 min convo, and 1 min into it, she started to cry again. Made me feel like an , but I did ok.
I agree with both answers. She has been thinking of it for a while (roughly 2 months), and she is doing too much. We'll see.
My plan is: I will just do what I do, and I will let her think over winter break (roughly 1 month). 2 things can happen:
1. She calls me, she wants to get back with me. At this point, I will make a decision based on how I feel...not 100% sure I want to get back with her. Mainly because she might be wanting to get back with me for the sheer loneliness. I don't want that.
2. We both get over each other, and we move on. I'm ok with that.
I hope everyone else in this situation is doing alright. Wish everyone the best of luck.
Wow! You sound like a total delight! I love your t-shirt comments and the fact that you are really sticking to the NC thing. Now, if only I were a few decades younger....
@ Wondergirl: how old could you possibly be? age ain't nuthin but a number...
on a more serious note, as i mentioned prev, we have mutual friends. actually, most of our friends are the same...they're just closer to her than they are with me...mainly cuz they're mostly girls. and girls stick together! right. anyways, went to coffee with one of them just to take a break from studying. found out she's not doing too hot. crying every hour or so, mentioning my name every 20 min in some story that's happened in the past.
disclaimer: I don't want her to feel bad. this doesn't make me feel good. some guys usually feel good about this, like YEAH, SHE MISSES ME! i dont. i'd rather her not be sad at all. i know how she feels about me. i don't need her to cry to let me know she's sad.
anyways, i just ask my friend to take care of her and make sure she eats/sleeps/get her studying done. nothing more i can do.
I just reread my posts. i gotta make something clear: i miss her like hell. I'm a science major on a pre-med route...so I suck at conveying my emotions into writing. Don't get me wrong. I miss her. I think of her constantly. Regardless, I think I'm taking the right steps. My friend asked me, "Aren't you taking a huge risk by not calling her? She thinks you hate her because you don't talk to her."
I was at a loss for words when she asked me that, mainly because whatever answer I gave, I knew she would tell my ex gf. I replied, "I don't hate her. I just need some time off. She needed time, and I realized that I needed time too. I'm taking this day by day." Hopefully that'll do. Seems like a political spin on the answer...didn't answer her question at all.
Anyways, I'm just writing here now because I'm bored and I'm tired of studying. Taking a break. How's everyone doing?
Well sneeze seeing as your asking I'm doing good , I've been there done that. But you really seem to have this under control , and good on you. It's never easy and you just need to read a lot of the posts on here to realise how many people are suffering. But hey once you've conquered this make sure you stay and help other people
I may be to old to understand, but listening to her friend may not be the most reliable thing to do, and it sounds as if your g/f needs a lot more than a b/f.
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