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CheshireKitten · Oct 24, 2010, 08:14 PM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over three months, his last girlfriend hurt him really bad by cheating on him. Until about a month in our relationship was going fine but around our one month mark he had repeated nightmares that I cheated on him and still expected him to stay with me. I myself have been cheated on and I know that it takes time to heal, but while I had other relationships between the time that I was cheated on and the time he and I got together, he didn't.

After having these nightmares he has repeatedly insinuated that I am lying to him; cheating on him or will cheat on him; and would rather be with someone else that I am close friends with. It has been over a month, am getting rather sick of being accused as I have done nothing wrong and have been contemplating on whether I should dump him. When I asked my mother and my sister about it they both told me that I was being impatient and should give him more time. I mentally promised to stick it out another couple months and if it continues after the five or six month mark I will evaluate the relationship and determine whether I should terminate it.

Am I being impatient and not giving him enough time for thinking about ending this?

CarrotTalker · Oct 24, 2010, 08:25 PM

Have you tried talking to him about when he keeps insinuating you cheated/are lying to him?

If he doesn't have a basis for it, tell him he needs to shape up and trust you because you have done nothing to deserve mistrust.

It boils down to how much patience you have.

ITstudent2006 · Oct 24, 2010, 08:30 PM

This is coming from someone who has been in your b/f's shoes. I was with my ex (ex fiance) for almost 5 years. She cheated on me with my best friend.

My relationship after that was hard to trust. I constently thought it was going to happen again. The thought that the person you're with thought you were that bad to have to cheat on you really plays on ones ego. It was a thing that took time to control and to overcome. I am now married and have never trusted someone as much as I trust my wife.

Advice for you, don't turn your back just because he does this. He was hurt and it did effect him. The biggest thing to do is to ommunicate with him. Tell him that it doesn't make you happy that he insists on believing you lie and cheat. Hopefully, he is working on overcoming this and if not... then maybe he's not the one but give him a chance.

Rick

CheshireKitten · Oct 24, 2010, 08:38 PM

I have had multiple sit down talks about his trust issues with him since he started and it just seems to make it worse... I am starting to think that he isn't ready for a serious relationship and needs to talk to someone about what bothers him.

metroidprime · Oct 25, 2010, 01:02 AM

I think he will get it out of his system and is just being wussy so will blow over

ITstudent2006 · Oct 25, 2010, 06:24 AM

Originally Posted by metroidprime

i think he will get it out of his system and is just being wussy so will blow over

Wow!

Opening your life, your family and friends to another individual, sacrificing and giving so much love to this person, expressing true feelings and deep emotional needs, loving, caring and compassionately letting them in to your life. All for them to cheat on you. It's expected to have a little trust issue after something like this happens. The word ''wussy'' is not an appropriate response. I'm lead to believe that someone who calls someone like this a wussy is either A) too young to realize the hurt he's going though B) to nieve to believe it could ever happen to him C) just plain ignorant

Rick

P.S. Please inform me, which one is it?

ITstudent2006 · Oct 25, 2010, 06:27 AM

Originally Posted by CheshireKitten

I have had multiple sit down talks about his trust issues with him since he started and it just seems to make it worse...I am starting to think that he isn't ready for a serious relationship and needs to talk to someone about what bothers him.

Obviously you will reach a point where you just feel it's not working. I realize this, and I hope you're doing what's best for you. I just wanted to advise you that it does take time and a lot of talking. If you've done this already then maybe it's time for a break. Let him clear his head, not worry about a g/f, hopefully overcome this issue.

He is not being a ''wussy''. It is understandable where he is coming from. Let me ask you a question. Do you understand his feeling? Or do you think it's b.s. and he's using the cheating ex as his excuse for being mistrustful?

Rick

talaniman · Oct 25, 2010, 07:17 AM

You don't give a lot of details like your ages, or how much time he has had to unpack his past baggage, but if you are having trust issues this EARLY in a relationship I would say you may have been moving too fast, and haven't had time to know each other well enough to decide if the other was ready for a real relationship. So I ask now how much dating you did with each other before it became exclusive, or official?

Sorry but everything you have written says its too soon for him. Patience is a great thing, but not if its getting worse after talking numerous times about it.

I wish · Oct 25, 2010, 08:08 AM

You're his rebound!

Sounds to me that he hasn't properly recovered from the last relationship. Furthermore, if he's going to accuse you of cheating, why doesn't her just break up with you anyway? Sounds like he's not ready for a relationship at all. Why not do each other a favor and go your separate ways. That way, you don't have to suffer from his insecurities and he can focus on healing from the break up before jumping into another relationship.

CheshireKitten · Oct 25, 2010, 09:07 AM

We're both 19, we have known each other for 5 years and he broke up with her before he met me [I know this because she's a friend of mine].

CheshireKitten · Oct 25, 2010, 09:10 AM

I do understand his feelings because I have been in the same situation, but he hasn't really faced down his demons [which he himself has said he didn't think about it much when he didn't have a girlfriend]. I never said he was acting wussy...

ITstudent2006 · Oct 25, 2010, 09:11 AM

What we need to know is how long of a break was there in between him breaking up with her and datng you?

If he jumped right into a relationship with you after her then that says a lot about what's going on.

Rick

mmresd · Oct 25, 2010, 09:13 AM

For starters, dreaming that your girlfriend is cheating on you in a dream, actually means that she is faithful, maybe you can find a website (any website) that does dreams and it will ease his mind. With my current ex-girlfriend I was having the same dreams and they would bother me so much, but I did a little dream research and found out what I just told you, and afterward not only was I not getting mad after having those dream, but eventually I stopped having them, so it was not an issue anymore. Also, you do sound like you are taking the role of the rebound girl because he just got out of a painful relationship and not really having time to heal properly, he jumped into a relationship with you, so be careful. Talk to him on a one-on-one basis because you are the only thing that can calm his nerves and jealous thoughts in his brain, so talk to him, reassure him that you are exclusive to him and that you love his presence and see where things go. If he continues to chose to be obsessed about thinking that you are always cheating on him, and goes as far as accusing you of doing things that you wouldn't not do, then he doesn't trust you and a relationship without trust is a ticking clock. So save yourself the pain and the extra attachment and end the relationship if you don't see him being able to control his emotions.

Good Luck,

Javi

CheshireKitten · Oct 25, 2010, 09:18 AM

But that's the thing he didn't just get out of a bad relationship, he broke up with her before he met me and we've been friends for 5 years...

CheshireKitten · Oct 25, 2010, 09:22 AM

At least 5 years between the two... he broke up with her before he met me and we have been friends for 5 years...

mmresd · Oct 25, 2010, 09:22 AM

A lot of times people punish their current girlfriends for what they have experienced in their past, don't let him do that to you, if he keeps doing it don't stand for it, he will eventually learn not to do that anymore, but it will take time.

ITstudent2006 · Oct 25, 2010, 09:24 AM

Originally Posted by CheshireKitten

I do understand his feelings because I have been in the same situation, but he hasn't really faced down his demons [which he himself has said he didn't think about it much when he didn't have a girlfriend]. I never said he was acting wussy...

I wasn't implying tha you said he was a wussy. Another poster called him a wussy. I apologize for the misnderstanding. I also wasn't implying that you had no idea how he feels, a lot of people have been cheated on and know how it feels.

ITstudent2006 · Oct 25, 2010, 09:27 AM

Its been 5 years since his ex cheated on him?

Rick

CheshireKitten · Oct 25, 2010, 09:29 AM

Yes

CheshireKitten · Oct 25, 2010, 09:30 AM

Ah all right, sorry for the misunderstanding