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ok, this is a topic that in abundance these days and i thought why not, ill share my story and get some feed back
the topic is... the classic case of a needy guy.
ok heres the go, i am with my gf, about 8 months now, all is going well and we are in love and enjoying it. one problem, im too needy. i know most guys dont realise it but ive taken it one furthur and noticed and am soooooo so willing to recify my mistake. when it comes to the relationship we are pretty much fine id say, no fights. i feel a tad neglected at some stages but i am just assuming that its my paranoia and needyness coming through right?
ok well, something that makes the situation slightly more complicated. im living with her. lol, not just her, her whole family, theres 8 ppl in the house and generally speaking alone time is a rare occurance.
ok, here are the ways in which i feel im being needy.
keep in mind here that self critisism is difficult
i always want to touch her (not in that way, just on the shoulder or hold her hand) i sometimes will reach over and run my fingers through the back of her hair and she she smiles and give me a cute look
i have no problems if she is off doing her own thing or busy, i just busy myself happily jamming on my guitar or chatting with people, but i would rather be with her than be doing things on my own
sometimes i go off on my own and find my own space as a way to let her know that i want her to pay more attention to me, i have no idea why lol it works sometimes tho she comes out and kisses me on the cheek and asks if i want my own time, i generally say "why dont ya take a seat and we can chat"
if we're just talking and stuff i ask her how she is how her day went and how she's dealing with everything lately (theres a lot of stuff happening with the family at the moment)
and i get positive answers, "yeh im ok, im good, im doing as good as i could hope i guess"
i ask her how "we" are, and if me living with her is something we have to get used to before we're entirely comfortable (i only moved in yesterday, ill be here until just after christmas i think) i get expected answers, things i knew she'd say
um.. i cant think of anything else... actually now that i write it all down it seems im now being as bad as i thought, but thats for u to decide
things im sure of..
there is no other guy, 100% sure on that
she loves me and wants to make it work no matter what, 100% there too
i need to not be needy and act like a man
can you give me some advice on what i can do just to make sure i dont become needy, because we have something special here and i dont want to ruin things by coming on too strong
i know things like the obvious ones, dont always be around her, dont give off the impression that she is my whole life and i cant be without her.
but just things i can do around the house that show her im not needy but at the same time show im thinking about her... hmmm..
im wondering if im wording this question right lol, we'll see
thanks for any help
I know it is probably just saying something that you have already recognised yourself, but it is just so blatantly evident from this post and your others that i just had to say it again.
You are just so insecure and lack trust in your own ability at being a good partner and in her ability at being one in return. You have serious self esteem issues.
like i told you in your other posts if you continue to act this way then you will eventually drive her away.
Ok, so you probably know that and that isnt what you are asking. you are asking how to rectify it! And for that i cant give you definitive answers. But what i can say is that you definitely need to begin to love yourself a bit more. Love and accept who you are and that you have loads of great qualities that attracted this girl..
But if you dont show these great qualities and only these negative ones then pretty soon she will forget the positive and will downright just get sick of you and your negativity.
I dont like to simply just say go and see a professional. But perhaps in this case it is needed. You have portrayed in every post you have written here massive insecurities and self esteem issues.
Why?
What has happened in this relationship or in past ones that has drawn you to the way of thinking you are so set in now?
this relationship doesnt sound like fun to me. it sounds like hard work. on both parts. and it certainly sounds as though you are the one that is contributing heavily to it being such hard work.
If she is having a stressful and difficult time have you ever thought that the last thing she wants is more pressure and difficulty from her supposed significant other. i think not. She wants fun with you. a distraction. She wants all her problems to be locked away while she is spending time enjoying herself with you.S he doesnt want more tough questions form you.
I hope others can offer you more because all as i see here is someone hell bent on driving someone else away from them. I know you dont want that but you are doing my mate. And pretty soon she will be so far away you will have something to really be down about!
It is not like some bad habit you can break, from what I have seen. Needy is a condition that only comes from one place and that is growing up without the necessary emotional support that all human beings require. Like it or not, some parents are lacking themselves and what they lack, you now lack. It can't be helped in that regard. What you can do now is one of two things. Research it on your own and attempt to re-parent yourself, in essence orchestrate your own growing up into a self approved, confident grown up person or seek professional help where they guide you through that process.
If you are to research it yourself there are a few books I would suggest-- Heal the Child Within is a great place to start. And you need to begin with the realization that you are genuinely in need. And that is okay. Anyone who has been shorted like you were is needy. Don't resist it, just learn to channel it more appropriately while you heal it. Cultivate friends. Spread your need out all over the place, with your friends and in creative ways instead. Seek approval of others in safe places and ways. Just don't dump the whole thing on your girlfriend, capice? She is not your therapist or your mother. And that is where guys (and girls) make the big mistake. This is why all the advice about work on self, have other friends and interests, do esteemable things like work out are always recommended --- they work because they all address that neediness in you.
This may seem like a lot of work I have laid out here but it isn't really and I have to say, the pay off is huge. Confident adults go places no one else does. And everything, not just relationships, gets easier, I promise.
All really good advice. In doing what the others have suggested you will become stronger inside, which will lead to great confidence and you wouldn't be second guessing things so much. You will be able to present the whole healthy you, to your girlfriend and all others in your life.
Work on making yourself whole, as the others have suggested.
For the sake of your relationship, CHANGE RIGHT NOW. I say this from personal experience, as I was too insecure and needy. Now I'm single. It is ok to want to be around her, but do not make her your entire life. The burden of being another person's entire world is way too much for most people.
Go out an do your own thing, whatever makes you happy. Neediness kills.
ok im appreciating all the advice im getting but not enjoying the parts where you say "change now or you'll be single very soon"... dont you think i know that? thats why i asked how to change in the first place, but apart from that. thanks everyone, i put it into practise yesterday after reciving a few answers and it seemed to work..
distracting myself was difficult but i did it anyway, she came over to find me when i was talking to her mum on the bed and snuggled up next to me and started playing with my hair. so everything is not lost
That's great. Didn't mean to scare you with the change comments, but I wouldn't want you (or anyone) to have to find this out the hard way, alone. Keep up the changes and you'll be fine.
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