I have had professional help before, and taken things to help with it. Medication does not work for some people, it actually makes it worse I found. The method of dealing with OCD is called CBT which means cognitive behavioural therapy... meaning once you get an obsessive thought you replace it with something else, think positive and forward, and as time goes by it gets easier and easier to do this. It was getting better and easier for me over time but when this person came back in and out of my life it destroyed all that progress. I believed back last year that they had changed, and in many ways I still do believe they did change and they were a lot better person then than they were at our last encounter a few years before that. I never thought this person would get so possessive though... Like I said I find it very ironic that they were over obsessed with me during the relationship but then I catch myself now as the obsessor, but not due to the same reasons...


I should also mention that this person has a child that they had since the first time we were together, which made it even tougher... As it was hard at first when I seen them again since so much time had gone by that I wasn't there for. Also that this girl was the first girl I ever went all the way with back when we first met. I suppose that could have something to do with it psychologically... but I'm not sure. I tried to stick with NC and went a good month with it... but I found myself constantly checking my cell phone and eventually caved in last week and texted them, just regular talk... I said I don't miss the relationship itself but I miss having them in my life just talking and going for coffees etc... and for some reason it put my mind at ease a bit that brief text conversation, I don't know why... I have been able to maintain friendship with another ex girlfriend from about 4 years ago, and THAT ended terribly but me and her are still good friends... the problem I've always found with this girl though is that we have never truly been 'just friends'... even when we have been out of a relationship with each other but around each other we always ended up getting physical and so on, we could never seem to just hang out, and if we could it was only a matter of time until we got back into the other stuff again... I question the possibility of me and this person being able to be friends like me and the ex from years ago I mentioned are

Your correct, but I'm not attempting to treat my OCD here. This is entirely to do with the relationship, I suppose I'm basically asking for suggestions of other things to occupy my mind and to work on/think about to keep my head clear. The CBT is something that I did do through one in the past but as time went by I learned how to do it myself, this situation just kind of threw me off a bit on my progress. There is also exposure-response but that is something that would be the worst thing possible for me. Anyway, enough on the OCD aspect of it. The fact is as I stated, for anyone, a breakup is always tough, ocd or not, its common for one or both of the people involved to think about it/wonder/analyze, just with ocd it tends to be quite a bit worse. I'm not trying to cure my OCD here, just looking for ideas and suggestions on how to get over this particular situation as I've stated. The OCD will remain long after thoughts about this relationship and dwelling go away, just like it was always there between.

WE will listen and help all we can, but for your OCD you need to find the right doctor.

I might also add to the op we do not treat your ocd or anything medical. We give opinions and advice on what you tell us and base our answers on that. I myself do not give medical opinions or suggestions because I am no Doctor. The medical people on this board give opinions and suggestions ONLY.

What you are referring to with your mind might be as simple as "rumination", thinking excessively on a certain topic.

Sometimes just sitting and playing a computer game you know well, and letting yourself think things through isn't a bad idea. Neither is journalling. Eventually once your mind considers every avenue exhausted, it will be ready to consider new things.

If you are into Christianity, look at where Paul talks about getting "the mind of Christ" into yourself. For the Christian, that is the true source of transformation out of these kinds of problems. Seeking the "mind of Christ" deals with a lot of issues (such as sin, and the empty place only God can fill) that psychology deals with more superficially (at least from a Christian standpoint). Worth looking into. Give Dr. Laura Schlessinger a read, or even better, listen to her radio program.

How about this: Instead of just replacing a thought with another, about replacing the thoughts with actually doing something?

Are you into any kind of art? - Art can be a great outlet, you can pour your energy into it, and achieve something too.

Do you have any interest in nature? Science? Pick something to study about, become an expert in it.

Do you like animals at all? Go to a pet shop and make friends with everyone's dog there. If you're really bold, volunteer at a shelter.

Stock market? (that could be a dangerous combo with OCD and lack for self discipline) - Study everything you can about it. Try paper trading. Be very careful, learn all you can before committing a real dollar to it.

What hobbies do you have? What have you always wanted to do with one of your hobbies, but never had the time to do before?

Maybe it's time to pick up a new hobby. Legos? Electronics? Study to get a ham radio license, join a an amateur radio club.

I like programming, and recently I dusted off a project from two years ago to make a new version of wikipedia. While doing that, I am learning some new kinds of programming that I have always wanted to learn, and am making them part of that project. It's a fun project because there are no deadlines, I can take as long as I need to restructure the program, build the databases, think about how they should combine. It's like the ultimate set of legos.

A couple of years ago I got into lampworking, which is melting rods of glass in a torch flame to try and create glass sculptures. That was something that fascinated me as a kid, watching a guy at a glass shop do that, I hadn't thought about it many years until I saw a glass shop in a tourist town while I was on a vacation. I now have enough glass wands to equip an army of Harry Potters!

Maybe find a local glass co-op, someplace where you can take a class to make beads. I always thought the idea making beads was beneath me, but I actually learned a lot and enjoyed it.

Just some thoughts from someone who also ruminates too much...

I deleted a lot of posts that got off topic. Including a new posters issues with us giving advice and opinions.

I should remind those, that these are question and answer sites,people come here for advice, not professional treatments.

And before you start attacking please go back and read the FAQ.

Thanks chuck for cleaning up the thread and Sam thank you very much for your reply and advice I really appreciate it. This whole thing is really affecting my life to the point I cannot function properly... and I hate it

Well it's now been 2 months since we broke up and I've unfortunately been "on and off" with NC...

Every once in awhile I cave in and send a text just saying "hey whats up" and just the typical conversation... then I won't say anything for a few days or a week or more... I don't know why but I can't seem to help it...

I thought I had closure when about a week or two after we broke up we had a conversation via text and she basically cleared everything up for me and said she was sorry she gave up but she thought it was best, and she's right... as a few days before we broke up I'd strongly considered ending it with her... She clarified that it wasn't to be with someone else, she didn't do anything wrong, she's been focusing on really important things (neither of us had our focus on important life things when we were together, she was entirely focused on me and vice versa, looking back it was unhealthy)... she basically made everything clear and gave me what I needed then to stop thinking so much about it...

For some reason, I still relentlessly go over things in my head. This is large in part to do with the OCD... I never had this bad of an issue getting over it when we broke up ages ago... I don't understand why now. This is 'it' though, never again... I broke that promise I made to myself years ago and now I know why I made that promise after the 2nd time...


I can't seem to rationalize my thought process here... when we were together I was miserable... We'd fight/argue constantly and she was really possessive/attached and wanted me around ALL the time, and when we weren't around each other wanted to be texting back and forth constantly... she exhibited extreme insecurity... getting angry at me if I had a job interview with a female and used to get mad and uneasy at the same time when I'd go into work when I worked in an office with mostly females... I barely ever saw my friends.. in a 7 day week I'd see her every single day and if I wanted to do something with a friend for even a few hours in a day she would say things like "I guess your friends are more important than me..." and other ridiculous statements like that. It got to the point I didn't even want to go over to her place or stay there... For some reason I don't think about all THAT though, I dwell on the 25% of the time that was 'good'... and seem to ignore all the terrible parts that made it a miserable relationship.


I really am at a loss of what to do here... I can't make sense of it whatsoever. Why would I miss something or dwell on something that was, for the most part, misery...

Please don't go back down that road again. After a breakup you could never be just friends.

You are a smart man and you need to get over this woman.
You'ree too good for her.

This is not about her, or your actions toward her. Its always been about you, and the actions you do, and she is but the object of those actions. This is where you can make some positive changes by getting diagnosed, and guided to solutions to whatever issue you have.

This doesn't have to be an expense proposition, as it starts with a simple doctor visit, and being honest with him, and trust him a bit.

What makes you think you have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder)? Have you been diagnosed, or treated before? Any behavioral changes to be made start with real facts, and acceptance to know what path to pursue to change, so trust me we all have something wrong with us that needs to be dealt with, but the question is will you do it or NOT?

Why suffer when all you need is some guidance, and it's their to be gotten, so go get it.

Yes I was diagnosed with it about 6 years ago and I have had treatment in the past. I had stopped seeing my 'doctor' about 2 years and change ago. I was doing good for awhile until this person came back into my life. As I said in an earlier post I had ignored attempts by this person to contact me numerous times for a couple of years and then last summer I got a call from a private number and got roped into a conversation and ended up meeting with them again and saw change in them so I figured I'd give it another shot with them. I was foolish though in thinking I could deal with a relationship when I had so many other issues going on and more important things to focus on.

She was relatively supportive of me and my problem. I don't think the OCD had anything to do with the relationship disolving to be honest... As I stated she showed a lot of behaviour and actions of insecurity/mistrust towards me and constantly assumed/accused me of things which I wasn't doing. No matter how many times I explained things. I remember one time her even going through my phone to look at recent calls... meanwhile I'd given no legitimate reason to assume anything was going on with any other girl. It was as if she didn't want me to work, spend time with my friends or even my family... she would b*tch about any shift I would take be it morning/aft/night. She told me she wanted to spend as much time with me as possible, I guess at the time I thought that was a caring/loving thing but really it was suffocating me and wasn't healthy at all. We even came up with a way to stop arguing which was when one of us feels an argument is about to come up we just walk away and cool down or leave for a little bit. This didn't work because whenever I would go to leave she would freak out... At times she would tell me to leave, then if I wouldn't leave, she would later say you should've just left like I said, but if I did leave... surprise surprise, she would get furious... It was like I couldn't win either way...


Basically the whole relationship and how it unfolded left my OCD worse than its been in years. This is all why I cannot understand why I am still constantly thinking about it when it was going nowhere and was not healthy at all... I am going to see my doctor again but I have to wait, so in the meantime I'm basically just asking to try and figure out why I'm so stuck on this... Is it just a sense of loss? I mean I was so used to seeing this person every single day all day and all night, but funny enough not WANTING that at the time after awhile... It was very possessive on her part..

Follow the advice. You're smart
Probably handsome and you don't need this woman in your life.

Use that brain.

Thanks kitkat for the reply. I consider myself a good looking guy, hygenic and in pretty good shape and pretty intelligent. I don't like to toot my own horn though as I hate conceited and cocky people, but self esteem does help.

The problem is that I use my brain too much, and use it in the wrong way. I dwell constantly from sun up to when I go to sleep about this person and the relationship. I knew it was ending and as I said even thought about ending it myself shortly before it happened... With that being said I still let it phase me so so much its ludicrous. I can't seem to focus on anything...

I built up a giant barrier in the past emotionally and mentally and kept her out of my life altogether... and it was easy for me because I was angry due to how it ended. This time it didn't particularly end bad, there was no insults between each other or negativity or BS... There was no cheating or scandelous behaviour... nothing, so this time I have no things to use as material to build that wall back again. I can't be angry at her or about the situation because it was a pretty clean break up...

I'm also having worries of, well... last time, as I said there was a huge gap where I had nothing to do with her and I made a promise to myself back then that I'd never have anything to do with her again, not in any capacity, not even just simple talking (even though, hypocritically, in a lot of ways I figured we'd get back together again because the book didn't feel truly 'closed' back then)... but I broke that promise to myself in stages, first by talking to her when she called from a private number, then agreeing to meet with her to hang out as friends, then getting back into a relationship again... She hasn't tried to contact me and hasn't showed signs of wanting to be friends, but she didn't last time either until about a year later... maybe a little less... I am not saying it will happen... but I'm afraid if this person in the future, be it a month, a year or 3 years down the road, gets in touch with me... that I will once again break the promise to myself... I was very strong with it last time, even when we first started hanging around again, I said to myself I would never be in a relationship with this person again or "do things" with them, and I broke every single part of what I said to myself... How do you deal with private number calls or anonymous messages (say the person has a new cell number later, and texts you from that out of nowhere, curiosity would typically get you to reply with "whos this?") I am trying to be future prepared to avoid this disaster again... as it has completely ruined me emotionally

Be polite, but busy, and unavailable, for any long deep conversations, when she catches you by surprise. On the phone, or in person. Texts are deleted without response.

I've read your posts and just want to make a simple suggestion. It sounds like you had a very passionate relationship - which is like a drug in itself. I had a relationship like that when I was aged 22-24. We remained friends for an additional 3 years after that. While we didn't get back together, the feelings were very deep. What I finally realized last year, when he told me he could no longer talk to me, was that I was hurting him. I knew I couldn't be with him forever. We couldn't remain friends because the passion was too deep. We had gone for periods of months not talking, and then would falsely think we could be "friends" again. This last time, a year ago, I finally realized how much he was hurting. There were several times in the 3 years I was tempted to get involved but didn't because I knew how it would end and that he'd be more deeply hurt. I finally realized that even being friends hurt too much. I was obsessed with him for 5 years, and vice versa, but we had to go cold turkey. What stopped me in the last year from e-mailing, calling or texting was knowing how selfish a move that would be. As long as we were in contact, he would not move on or feel better. You've already had the talk with her that you can't have contact. Stick to that. Do it for both of your sakes, and think of it as the humane and ethical thing to do. That's what kept me from making another mistake.

But I find myself reliving every moment in my mind... the more I try not to think about it, the more I do think about it. Even when I've exhausted all the "what ifs".. and negative thinking, I go back over the same things over and over again... It was the right thing, there was no way we were ever going to last forever in that way... I like to believe that she was sincere and honest in her feelings towards me and likewise I was about her... I am trying not to harbour any resentment about the whole situation and just put it behind me, I'm just having an incredibly difficult time.. the issue with when we were 'friends' was that it was so hard for us not to physically do things with each other, from kissing to the whole shabam... we would be able to hang out for a little while just normally and do normal friend things but that old familiar feeling would kick in where you stomach just feels like it drops to the ground inside... and things would lead to a relationship again... I guess I need to face it in my mind that I cannot have this person as a part of my life in any way, ever again... I hope it will get easier

It will get easier. I felt like I was going crazy the first year, but I wasn't helping myself either. I'd still listen to "our" music, read our old e-mails, look at pictures, follow him on MySpace. I thought it was okay as long as he didn't know. He was so intuitive that he did know, though. It takes real conscious effort on your part. If you haven't already, get rid of the things that remind you of her. Train yourself to change your thoughts. I remember literally shaking my head when thoughts of him came into my mind - shaking my head and then getting up to do something else. I am a runner and I'd take off for a 4 mile run - I think it was symbolic in a lot of ways. I also remember a lot of dreams and fantasies. When I realized I was doing that, I'd cut them short... but I also realized that they were my mind's way of cleansing itself, which allowed me to accept it and think about something else. I remember several times where I'd be driving and one of our songs came on - and I'd break down. Again, I just had to realize that I was still getting over my feelings, but I did get over them. You will, too.

I should also add that I have no doubt in my mind that I did the right thing. It was a wonderful experience in a lot of ways, but it wasn't meant to be my life. Trust yourself. You already know the truth of what you need to do.

Very true.

"What ifs" are in the past.

"I guess I need to face it in my mind that I cannot have this person as a part of my life in any way, ever again"

Yes. That's realization.

Now you can grow & learn from this. To better yourself.
Don't deny yourself anything now. Have some fun.

It takes time & effort, to learn to not dwell so hard.

What's done is done. On to tomorrow.