Ok, never done this posting thing but you all give good advice - and I need some opinions outside my own logic! Sorry in advance for the length…

I've been dating this guy for 2 years and recently he asked for time off to reconsider things. (That is, break up and then talk in a month and half.) We both agreed that we're still in love with each other, but we've been fighting a lot (not even about particular topics) and the frustration has been building. I wanted to work things out, but he wanted time off.

I told myself that it’s over and to move on. What's strange is that I kept waiting to be completely devastated... and frankly, I wasn't. I don't know if it's because it didn't sink in, because I was busy, or what... although I did think a lot about us. Maybe it was a relief to get away from the fights, and to find myself again.

But then he called a few times and said he missed me. I didn’t initiate any calls and avoided talking about 'us' to give him that 'space'. He then asked to meet up and I said no, we should wait out the time off period. But later I thought, why not, why wait. We should try to make it work now, or just end it completely and move on. So we met up (few wks after the breakup) and he wanted to get back together... and so we’re supposedly back together now.

We’ll still have to work through our issues, and I told him that it's a two-way effort (in our breakup talk he pointed all blame on me... which he now says isn't what he meant). But does he really understand this? That it's not just a 'fix ME' solution and it will all be solved? I believed that if you’re really in love, couples can work through the arguments and communication issues, even if it’s a lot of work. Have other couples been through this where it did work out in the end?

Another thing, he's 7 years older (and closer to settling down than me). He says though, that this isn't as much of an issue as our fights... But I think perhaps the 'breakup' was his way of trying to figure out if this is worth the fight, or a waste of his time when he’s looking to settle down.

I've been thinking a lot, but in a logical, analytical way. I don't feel emotional (angry or ecstatic) and don’t have a strong gut feeling either way... I guess I can go back and say I need more time, but I think that's just delaying the decision. It's not that I've stopped loving him (I can still see the future with him). Should I ask again, does he really get that it’s a two-way issue? Or should I just go for it and see what happens?

DJ 'H'

ummm this is quite a complex situation. You are both at different stages in your life. He is at a point where he wants to settle down and do the whole Married life, Kids etc and you appear to be happy living your life without such responsibilites. Marriage, Children etc are all very big steps to take and you both have to be ready to take thpse steps together.

Relationships are all about compromise and what you both need to do is look at the bigger picture. I am only 22 and my boyfriend (Pete) is 21. We love eachother and recently had a mishap but have worked through it. We grow closer and closer each day because we make an effort and truely love eachother.


I really want to go travelling for a few months and have wanted to do so for ages. I was all set and doing everything neccssary to get the money together to go when Pete walked into my life. After a while I realised that I could not leave (even though it was for a short period of time) because I could nmot bear to be apart from Pete. (I fell in love - he makes me happy) - so I casually dropped into conversation the idea of us going travelling together. He pointed out that because of his job he couldn't, but suggested just going to one place at a time for a holiday. I sat there and knew instantly that he meant more to me than travelling the world and that I would get around each place I wanted to visit eventually and with him at my side. I do have dreams but without pete it would not seem right. So that was a compromise.

This is something you and your partner need to look at. How important are you to eachother and what lengths are you prepared to go to for eachother? You both know the answer already, you just need to find away to communicate it to one another.

fredg

Hi,
I was divorced the first time, after 7 years. Then, I remarried three years later, now for 29 yrs.
I do agree with the other answer about "compromise". Relationships, especially marriage are all about compromise; working things out together.
If he always points his fingers at you in an argument or misunderstanding, then that is not a good sign at all. If he isn't willing to accept at least to some extent, that he is at fault, too, then you have a very large issue here.
Living with someone who never accepts fault is going to be very tough.
Ask yourself: "Would I marry this person tomorrow, Wednesday?"
If your answer is "no", then you have to realize that this will take some time before you get to the answer of "yes".
If he can't answer "yes", then the relationship needs a lot more work.
I do wish you the best, and if you can't talk with him, and have him understand that half of the relationship is his responsibility, then it might be time to try moving on.

blueiman

yes move on and find yourself. time apart is good. if it was meant to be you will get back together and appreciate each other more. but, remember actions speak louder than words.
you where smoothering each other so you fight.
him calling you is like leading you on. unless his intentions are to start a new dating thing.
i would not talk to him unless you feel you need to for yourself just to see what is going on with him. but, be warned not to jump back into a relationship to soon. give it more time and you will see his true colors. good luck.

Wildcat21

I don't think it's difficult at all. It was broke for a reason.

Sounds like he wants ALL the control and power - bad for business!!!

What's up with his hot and cold?

You should stayed apart the whole time. This guy is playing games.

Too much drama - and he blames you?????

It was broke for a reason and now you are finding out. Move on. You're the mature one. He sounds like a controling, insecure sap.

kp2171

just gives me the wrong vibes.

we can all get a little nuts sometimes... but he sounds unsure, and you sound like you care for him but could walk away.

unless you both have some great moment of enlightenment, i'd say you probably need to rethink things.

it does get tough in relationships, and there are times when you feel more "in love" than others... fights happen, rough spots appear... but not only should you be willing to work through it, but you should feel some passion about it as well.

i might be wrong, but it seems like you may love him, but you can walk away from him as well. not sure thats enough. i hope thats not enough.

s_cianci

The answer to your question depends on how you feel. Do you want to try again? If so then go for it and see what happens. If, however, you're unsure and feel that you still need some time alone to finish sorting things out then tell him that. It sounds like you are very firmly rooted in reality and that's a good thing. You suggest that he's ready to "settle down." What about you? You seem a little more ambivalent about that prospect in your post. Perhaps that's actually what's become the stumbling block in your relationship ; perhaps the two of you have different needs and goals right now. That's something that has to be carefully considered as well as the other issues you've mentioned.

phillysteakandcheese

Your apathy is a clear sign that you have no future with this fellow.
No passion = No future.


DJ'H' is right on - I wanted to approve your post, but could not...

DJ 'H'

Cheers phillysteakandcheese!! I don't see afuture between them either - if anything you need to ask yourself "what do I want? Out of this relationship & out of life? Once again you already know the answer, you justhave to be brave and tell your partner the truth. It may hurt him in the short term, but n the long term he will respect your honesty.

006girl

Thanks for your thoughts & advice, helps to see others' opinions.
So I guess I really need to find out what I want for ME, but honestly, I am not sure sometimes. I didn't mean to seem apathetic about him in my last posting – although it's true that I’ve never felt completely devastated like I expected.... But, even though I keep telling myself it's over, it’s over, it’s over, I think a small part of me still believes that we'll get back together.

I told him over the phone that I don’t know if getting back together was the right decision, that I’m not completely convinced he wants to get back together for the right reasons (i.e. I want to him really put in the effort to win me back and prove that he wants me back. I think it was too easy for him to get back together. Although I didn’t say it to him this way).

I wasn’t prepped for this talk at all, so I don’t know if I made the right points or not… Now he says “I thought of it as a break”, and I said no, you specifically said let’s break up. I told him that I was doing ok during the break, going out, keeping busy, but that I hadn’t met anyone still with the same connections as we have had (yikes, I was talking on the fly and perhaps shouldn’t have said that?). I think his ego stepped in because his response was pretty lame (“yeah, I was surprised I was doing ok too”, and didn't fight for us much at all). But then he says “I still think we have something special.” And why was he calling me constantly during that time off and saying he missed me and wanted to see me?

I guess I need more time for myself… but if in the end I did want to get back together with him in the end (of course, he’d have to really work for it and win me over), what do I do? Give us space/time? The call ended abruptly without a real definite conclusion. I’m not going to call him, but should I avoid his calls?