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    Noname1's Avatar
    Noname1 Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Mar 21, 2008, 06:49 PM
    After 2 Years she needs a break - What do I do?
    Hey Everyone,

    I just wanted to start by saying I've read some posts about this already and you all seem to give really great advice so I thought everyone could possible help me out too.

    So here is the situation.

    Me and my girlfriend met over 2 years ago (she was 15 and I was 17) and we are now 20 and 18. The relationship was great and we never had any problems we always communicated and never had any ridiculous fights or any big problems. We are great at solving problems and now this one just seems too much for me to figure out.

    We celebrated our 2 year anniversary not too long ago and the anniversary went down without a hitch. It was perfect. A few days later she went away on vacation to another province for march break and she came back acting weird (before anyone suggests it was cheating it wasn't that just continue to read on). I tried acknowledging the problem for several days since she got back and there was really nothing I could do or say to get her to open up (which is weird of us/her). So finally on Tuesday I managed to get it out of her and she said that she is really unsure of what she wants anymore and she needed a few days not to think about it (I originally thought it WAS cheating but I didn't accuse or make assumptions).

    She came down yesterday we had a real good talk, she even slept over but it just didn't feel the same, she seemed a little distant. So she went home the following morning and we had a really good talk over msn. It turns out that she was feeling that she was feeling as though she was missing out on something and that while she was in quebec she almost broke out of her shell or something along those lines. To cut a long story short she basically said that she doesn't know if she can figure out the person she is with someone else but the thought of losing me is so painful for her.

    I mean I'm so torn up about this, I don't even know what to think or feel. We decided on msn that we would take another break until this Monday so she can clear her thoughts and think what she needs in her life. I really support her but its so hard to support someone when you fear they're going to break you heart.

    Anyway, I know there probably isn't anything I can say or do that would really change her mind at this point but I just want to know if something like this is at all recoverable and just wanted to see your guys thoughts about the whole situation.

    Thanks
    Leonstryfe's Avatar
    Leonstryfe Posts: 31, Reputation: 4
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    #2

    Mar 21, 2008, 06:51 PM
    She's not telling you the whole truth... If you can, you need to talk to her face to face. You have ot becareful, those words are serious.. at least prep yourself emotionally just in case so you don't get caught off guard.
    Noname1's Avatar
    Noname1 Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
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    #3

    Mar 21, 2008, 06:55 PM
    We have talked face to face since she's gotten back from vacation. I know she didn't cheat or anything like that.

    That being said I sure she got a lot of attention and such considering she is a really gorgeous girl and I was thinking that maybe she thought there was someone else out there for her.

    We talked and talked and she's just scared because high school's ending for her and it's a confusing time (I remember how confusing it was for me at least) and she's scared that she's TOO into the relationship and that scares her. She said that she wants to grow and learn what she likes/dislikes and all that jazz. I mean it does seem understandable I know how girls are but I mean this whole situation just seems rough. I've done about just about every emotionally preparation you can think of and she said she's just too torn up to decide.

    She wants to grow as a individual but she said she's so scared to lose me that she doesn't want to make any mistakes
    Leonstryfe's Avatar
    Leonstryfe Posts: 31, Reputation: 4
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    #4

    Mar 21, 2008, 07:03 PM
    How long have you been together with her first of all? This problem seems to revolve around uncertainty... and it's really a bad feeling. I too had it in the past.. but the thing is, is that, if she truly loves you... then she definitely will choose you above anyone (guys) else. I know it's going to be tough... but I guess for now support her on what she feels... be confident, loving and try not to show that you are greatly afftected and panicking.. basically be calm... and loving... If she does decide to take a break, at least you left her good memories before you guys did so... which she will start to miss immediately and think about you all the time... It works.. because right now she does feel confuse.. What is it that's making her confuse about your relationship?
    Noname1's Avatar
    Noname1 Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Mar 21, 2008, 07:13 PM
    We've been together for 2 years and like I said I don't think its cheating. Im just saying that I think that she probably did get a lot of attention that maybe she started to question things and us.

    About the confusing and uncertainty...

    She says it's a bunch of things.

    First of all this IS a long distance relationship but we do see each other every weekend (its like a 60km drive) and sometimes for a day or 2 during the week. Secondly, this is the end of high school for her and she doesn't want to regret being in a relationship if it fails. She said that she sees us together in the future and that there is no question that she will end up with (we're so compatable) but she has fears because her parents are in a pretty love less marriage and she doesn't want that to ever happen to her.

    I guess it's a combination of a lot of things that are outside forces. I mean I know we're young and I know that those comments are already going to flood in that's why Im so understand of her uncertainty. I would never want her to think she made a mistake with who she is with nor would I want her to feel like she missed out on her prime years when responsibilities don't overly matter.

    She went from a girl to a woman right in front of my eyes and I think that she's thinking she needs to discover who that woman really is.

    Another thing that she mentioned is that sometimes we wouldn't see each other on certain weekends because of her or my plans with friends. She mentioned how when she wouldn't see me even for one weekend she would become so upset and such and it scared her that when only being 18 that someone (me) could have so much power over her emotions.
    Leonstryfe's Avatar
    Leonstryfe Posts: 31, Reputation: 4
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    #6

    Mar 21, 2008, 07:20 PM
    Sorry, how long have you known her other than the 2 years dating? Has she ever... dated anyone before you or are you her first real relationship? I think... she is really confuse right now, or at least scared of the future... being that she was young when she went into the relationship... Since you say it isn't cheating... then that's a load off your back man... and just give her some support on what she feels. What does she exactly want? Time..
    Noname1's Avatar
    Noname1 Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
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    #7

    Mar 21, 2008, 07:27 PM
    We've known each other for 2 and a half years and dated for 2. She dated one person before me and it was "serious" if you want to call it that but it was for like 6 months while she was 15 (she broke up with him was single for like 5 months) and then we met.

    She said she needs time to think about what SHE needs for herself right now. I told her that I can support her while she searches for what she needs but then again I can't keep screwing around with my emotions in the process. I ultimately need clossure whatever the result. This whole fiasco has only gone down for like the past week so I can give her more time then a week or two, but I mean I am in college, I have things myself that I have to worry about so I don't want her to start getting selfish either.

    I don't want to rush her I just want her to decide what is best for her. I really love this girl a lot and she still tells me she loves me, just she's at a place in her life where I guess it makes a lot of sense to question your life, your family, and who your with. She's a really smart and mature girl (we're both really mature for our ages I guess) and I know she's *NOT*EDIT* trying to "rebel" or anything retarded like that but I just think it seems like genuwine thought of... what if... what could... what about...

    I just wish this didn't have to happen but I don't ever want anyone to live a life of regret... espically with me
    Leonstryfe's Avatar
    Leonstryfe Posts: 31, Reputation: 4
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    #8

    Mar 21, 2008, 07:32 PM
    Yeah... you don't want to be waiting because to wait and to expect really does hurt a lot and it's going to drive you nuts. Talk to her and ask her if there is any other way. Then tell her, what does she want to do during this time off.. What is her goal... Find her true intentions. I can't really tell you to let her off your heart because you guys aren't really breaking up... If you love her a lot... then give her time and keep yourself busy too, and at the same time... protect your emotions just in case... Cause if she's feeling this way and you try to persuade her not to feel that way... then it'll just get worse. If she loves you, she won't do anything stupid. I'm in somewhat in a similar situation cept... I waited then I found out my ex is dating another guy now... waiting is tough and its going to hurt... that's why I'm telling you to prep yourself...
    Noname1's Avatar
    Noname1 Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
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    #9

    Mar 22, 2008, 01:08 AM
    That's really great advice Leonstryfe.
    I really appriciate it... thanks!


    Any other input would be greatly appriciated as well.

    I'm going to take your advice and ask her what she hopes to achieve and what not (with the best of intentions Im not going to come out like a jerk or something along those lines) and I hope that she finds whatever she's looking for.

    Im pretty nervous about what will happen on Monday (or tuesday) but I guess Im coming to terms with the whole situation. I mean if we are REALLY meant to be together then this will just be another stepping stone in the process, we all know how hard life can be at times, so maybe a break or breakup (depending on the results) will be the best thing for both of us.

    That being said, I don't want to just throw in the towel either. I think the most important thing I can do is just be there for her, but I do have to stay true to myself and how I feel as well.


    I would love a woman's opinion on this situation if anyone would be willing to throw in their two cents.

    Thanks
    Noname1's Avatar
    Noname1 Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Mar 22, 2008, 11:35 AM
    Hate to keep nagging people for opinions but Monday is coming up soon and I really want to have my game plan figured out by then.

    Any other suggestions would be greatly greatly appriciated
    SJB1701E's Avatar
    SJB1701E Posts: 164, Reputation: 30
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    #11

    Mar 22, 2008, 09:08 PM
    This really is about her. The one BEST thing you can do is be OK with WHATEVER decision she makes. If she wants a break tell her OK and you support her. If she want to break up right now and be single, say OK and you understand what its like to be in her shoes. Don't fight it. Don't fight her. If you do break up, and I am trying to prepare you for the worst, you don't have to be happy about it, but be supportive. Leave her last memory of you a happy one. If you do, that last thing you do is what she'll be thinking about after the breakup. Now if you two are "meant to be" then this will give you the best chances of her coming back. BUT there is a catch. You can't be waiting around for her. Grieve for her silently. Go no contact for several weeks to a month. This means don't initiate contact. For your own healing, don't respond to her contacting you for at least several weeks. If/when you do start talking again, preferably after several weeks to a month keep everything pleasant and don't talk about the relationship unless SHE brings it up. Make her laugh, be the YOU she is in love with. Don't argue or try to reason with her. She has to figure things out on HER OWN. You can't help her except by being supportive. Even if she jumps to a rebound (bound to fail) tell her you are happy for her. Don't argue with her that she "wanted to be single" or anything like that. Just tell her you are happy for her NO MATTER WHAT. And again I'm going to say, if she breaks up with you, treat it like it is over because it IS. Any future relationship you would possibly have with her would be a brand new one and should be treated as such. If she breaks up with you accept it and try to move on. Oh and BTW in my opinion "Closure" is an illusion. You never really get closure, you just have to let time heal your wounds. All that being said I'm still hoping for the best for you, but this is just in case of the worst.
    SJB1701E's Avatar
    SJB1701E Posts: 164, Reputation: 30
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    #12

    Mar 22, 2008, 09:26 PM
    https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

    This is a really good guide on helping you heal and giving you the best chances of her coming back.
    girlagogo's Avatar
    girlagogo Posts: 17, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Mar 23, 2008, 04:26 PM
    Hey there,

    First of all, I'd like to say that I think you have handled the whole situation with your girlfriend incredibly well and maturely. For that reason alone (and although this may not seem like much of a consolation right now) there'd be so many girls out there who wish their boyfriend were as patient and understanding as you have tried to be. So don't change!

    The best advice I can give is to wait at least until Monday and allow her the time to decide what to do. She does sound generally unsure about the two of you but she's being honest and upfront about how she feels. So, I don't think she's cheating on you as when people do cheat on their girlfriends/boyfriends, they tend to come up with really stupid excuses for splitting up.

    Sometimes, a trip to a new town/country can put things into perspective and make a person think hard about where they are now in their relationship and where they want to go in life as new experiences and people change how they see things. Don't worry, whatever your girlfriend decides I think you'll both know that you can be open and work through your questions and her doubts. I think deep down you know the answer though - she's being distant because she has probably already made up her mind and although she still loves you, she doesn't want to hurt you and is conscious of it. Give her space though, and try not to worry until you next see her.
    confused25's Avatar
    confused25 Posts: 319, Reputation: 98
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    #14

    Mar 23, 2008, 07:56 PM
    I think your girlfriend is actually being very honest about her feelings. At such a young age a lot of individuals are unsure of what they want in life and as a result they want to experience the world being single.

    Sadly there isn't much you can do besides allow her to do what she wants. Don't try to convince her to stay with you because I can tell you from experience it doesn't work. If she chooses to extend the break another week or so just go along with it... for now. If she chooses to end the relationship, well, you just have to go along with it. Let her know that you have really cherished the time you spent together and that hopefully some day your paths will lead you back to one another.

    Above all, stay calm and kind. When all is said and done than initiate No Contact. Meaning don't call, text, or IM her. If possible, avoid running into her. The reason you do this is (1) to heal your heart and (2) because if you try to stay in her life by constantly calling her than you'll only push her further away.

    Let us know how things go. Good luck.
    jolienoire's Avatar
    jolienoire Posts: 917, Reputation: 166
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    #15

    Mar 23, 2008, 08:09 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Noname1
    Hate to keep nagging people for opinions but monday is coming up soon and I really want to have my game plan figured out by then.

    Any other suggestions would be greatly greatly appriciated

    Speaking with all honesty and experience there is really no game plan, you see we can map up a plan when we are alone, and can think of all the things we want to say and how we should feel, but the reality is when faced in the presence of our loved ones our outcome can be completely different. I mean personally and truthfully I never can understand why people, have a date or set a date to think things through almost as if it was a business arrangement. I really don't see how a few days can effectively give anyone an accurate decision, besides, I think she is pretty much confused, and there is nothing you can do or say to make her stay if she wants out of this relationship. "loving is defined as loving someone enough to accept their decision whether it be with or without you. Of course she will tell you she love you but the reality is loving someone is not a guarantee that you will be with that person. I really think you should just listen, and speak exactly what you feel, and try not to get upset. If in fact this becomes a long term break, then you will experience some emotions of heartbreak, and it will be tough days to follow. But you will be fine, and you can definitely talk to many people in the forum who experienced the same situation as you are going through now, Including myself. One thing I would suggest is that if she wants a break, and she makes that clear you then need to follow the No Contact rule, for your own sanity. AGAIN there are many people on here who are willing to listen and talk to you about what you are going through,


    Good luck
    Noname1's Avatar
    Noname1 Posts: 11, Reputation: 2
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    #16

    Mar 23, 2008, 10:55 PM
    Hey guys,

    Just wanted to give you all on update as of Monday 2am (talking to her after I go to bed tonight)

    So one of her dear friends pasted away and I noticed her name on IM when I came online and wished her my condolences. I avoided talking about the situation with us and merely said what I needed to hopefully to help her during this time. (this happened saturday)

    Also, I was at a friends house when unexpectedly she messaged me wishing me a Happy Easter. I messaged back with a simple happy easter and said I hope hers was good. (this happened Sunday 10pm-ish)

    I mean this does seem good but I feel like Im getting mixed signals or something.

    Anyway, I want to thank everyone for their best wishes and great advice. I've been playing it really cool and really supportive because in all honesty I do want what's best for her.

    Any no matter what the result, I know that I'll be okay. I am a great guy, I'm understanding, warm hearted, caring, handsome, and very mature. So I know that no matter what happens I will never be living the life of regret.

    Well tell you guys the outcome tomorrow.

    Night
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,327, Reputation: 10855
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    #17

    Mar 24, 2008, 12:21 PM
    I feel your confusion, and apprehension. No matter what the results are, just know we all have gone through the same growing pains. Yes, you will cope with it one way or another, as we all have had to do. Good Luck, and it will be okay regardless if you get what you want, or not.

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