Hi, Can you help with some advice.

I began seeing a girl (18) who is bisexual and who I really liked. When I started seeing her she told me she was going to university in a month. Because of this I thought it would be nothing serious. We had a month of great times and became really close. (honeymoon period). When she left for uni, she wanted us to continue together as a couple.

During her first week away. She missed me and i travelled down to see her. Everything was great. We used to talk all night on every subject. However the subject came onto sexual fantasy and 3 sum sex. We discussed a role play fantasy situation in which another man was involved. After wards she told me she had already done this with a previous partner and a friend of his that she did not know. A stranger! The girl had previously made a huge effort to tell me that she did not know how anyone could sleep with a stranger, she could not do it and thats why I could trust her.

When I heard this, I questioned around the subject of it being a stranger, but instead of discussing and reasuring me she closed off and stonewalled me. This lead to me doubting the type of person I was with. I subsequently lost my temper and said some horrible things about her. She ended the relationship. I had not just stopped to listen to her side of things.

I have since then tried to get us back together but she just wanted to remain friends. Every time we talked or texted each other we ended up in an argument. I got angry at this, frustrated and lashed out, saying again some horrible things. She is now not speaking to me.

I really love this girl and i am angry at my reaction and want her back. However she is not speaking to me at the moment.

Can you advise on how I get this girl back into my life and also how I deal with what she has done!

If she had done this as two couples experimenting in their sex lives I could accept this. But to be uses as a sex object from a man who will brag about this as a trophy and her ex partner who has clearly shown her no respect is disgusting to me. How can she let herself be used like this, especially when she acts and gives off the impression she is totally different.

She is now saying that this action was a mistake, evan though she did not say this at the time. She is friends with all her ex's and says I have treat her with more disrespect than any other partner. ( I did not let my friends use her? ). This hurts.


I am very confused as to where to go now, how to proceed. Can you helpl

CincyOhioGirl

Sorry that you are hurting. My first impression here is that the two of you may just be incompatible in your sexual beliefs and practices. If so, you may just want to consider being friends only. If you do decide to be friends or if you do get back together you will have to figure out a way to forget the past and move on in the present together. If you can't trust somebody, you shouldn't be with them. Since she isn't speaking to you anyway, give her space and leave her alone. If she gets over her anger and misses you, she will contact you. Maybe then start out slowly and try to be friends if you like and see if it leads to more if that's what you want. May be a mistake though because as I said before, you may be sexually incompatible leading to an even uglier breakup in the future if you can't deal with certain things. Nothing wrong with it if you can't. You know what is right for you or not. Just proceed with a lot of caution. Probably best to just leave it alone and find a more compatible girl though in my opinion.

moyra

You are confused because you are in a confusing relationship with a woman who is confused. I don't know this womans background but I feel she has a lot of issues to work through on her own. I know this is hard to hear but I feel that she has done you a favour by ending this relationship and you should not try to get back with her as she is emotionally very immature.

pilarchl

wow, what are you doing? , .Don't things like that you know it is not correct, what about diseases? what about feelings? so it just about sex? you want a person just for sex or to have a relationship? I always say the same , you know the answer better than anyone

Geoffersonairplane

First things first, what happened in her past has nothing to do with the relationship you were in with her. You cannot dwell on someones past, everyone has a past and you should always look to the future.

There is also a possibility that she was lying about what she had done and yet was using this to fulfill her own fantasy you describe. When you questioned her about what she said, she may have just closed off because she did not want to dive deeper into the lie. That is a possibility but not necessarily the truth.

She may have closed off because she had done what she described as a fantasy yet did not want to discuss it because it made her feel substandard in the opinion of yourself, someone she was then in a relationship with. This again is a possibility but not necessarily the truth.


I am not surprised she ended the relationship. You were questioning her past too much and if it is true about what she did, personally I would not judge her as a substandard person. Like one of the previous posters said, she may have different sexual beliefs at this stage in her life with her being so young. I am not condoning this type of sexual practice yet before she was with you, it was her choice to experiment in this way if she felt that this was fulfilling part of her self discovery. What you must remember is that she was with you in a relationship and I see no sign of her indicating that she wanted you to take part in this kind of practice and yet you judge her by what she indicates she has done in the past. When she told you this:
She may have been feeling that she must make a huge effort to say this to you to avoid the very critical opinions you have now placed on her.


You have pushed her away through the way you have judged her and now perhaps made her feel substandard. She does not want to be with someone that sees her this way.


I cannot help but feel that this has more to do with your own insecurities and whether you feel that you can live up to her expectations based on the things she says she has done. Be honest with yourself here because it may explain the reason you reacted in the way you did. I am sure you care and you would not like to think of the one you care about being used like that but the PAST IS THE PAST!! I could be wrong but insecurity can disguise itself in many forms and sometimes we can project our insecurities onto others, a kind of denial so that we don't need to deal with them. I am not a psychologist and I can't read minds but it seems logical that this could perhaps explain why people behave in certain ways.

You must also realise that sex is only a small part of a relationship with another person. It is a physical bond that is surrounded by the emotional bond that you have together. There is so much more to a relationship than dwelling on someones sexual past and for a successful relationship to work, there needs to be trust from both sides.

Personally, I think she is too young anyway to be in a serious relationship and perhaps you may be too??

You are probably going to meet other women in your life who you develop an emotional attachment to who have a past. Try not to judge someone too much by their past but look at how they have improved and developed as a person. It all takes time!!

Nothing more I can say, except good luck with whatever happens and I wish you well!

valinors_sorrow

This "relationship" is a little over a month old???

Too much + too fast = crash and burn. Usually fatal too.

You are essentially acquaintences acting like a married couple!! YIKES, how is that supposed to work??

Next time slow down, slow waaaaaaay down. Try dating instead of jumping into a relationship that won't hold up because its too fast.

phillysteakandcheese

I see two issues here: Your anger, and your conflict over this girl's past.

You've written that a few times you've lost control and "said some horrible things". It's okay to be angry or upset, but you cannot be malicious or hurtful. You can't let your anger turn you into a monster. This is something you need to address with yourself.

It understandable that you're confused by the difference between this girl's words and her actions. Have you considered that maybe she feels as she does about "sex with strangers" as a result of her 3-way experience? You can't really know the entire story and background, so to jump to a conculsion would be a mistake.

I suspect you have more feelings of jealousy than of mis-trust for this girl. She's done the things you've only fantasized about. By speculating about how "she allowed herself" to be "used as an object ... or trophy" is doing nothing but poisoning yourself and feeding the anger.

I don't think she's engaging on very healthy behaviour either - but then again at 18, we all make bad decisions.

talaniman

Temper, temper, If I were her, I would have kicked you to the curb also. For now forget everything else, and work on controlling your anger and expressing your self in a more mature positive way. Your temper will ruin any relationship with anyone, even your dog if you don't get a grip.

Geoffersonairplane

Yeah, I agree with tal (again)..

Mind you, if you lose your temper with a goldfish, you may just get away with it and still maintain that bond. Don't they have a 6 second memory or something?...

No, on a serious note, I agree, you perhaps have anger problems in addition to what I said previously and perhaps need to work through these to adjust to a more healthier YOU!

4answers

THANK YOU GUYS.

Thank you guys for all your advice, some of hit was harsh reading but that is what I needed. I am looking at anger management at the moment, as this is an issue for me.

As for the girl, all the comments made are right. I have found out she is a self harmer, so my comments and actions would not of helped her, especially if she cannot express her own emotions. Doh! I would like to however make up for the hurtful, judgemental comments I made. I do not like the thought of someone thinking that is the real me.

I know I will never be back with her, to much to work through for that to happen. But I would like to part on a friendly basis.

Any suggestions?