Hi everybody,

So, I am feeling incredibly despondent and depressed at the moment over the whole situation with my pregnant ex-girlfriend.

I have been brooding over a few things lately and the whole thing has gotten on top of me.

On the one hand, I have heard reports that her friends believe she WILL get with me after baby is born. I have cautiously disregarded it, and don't believe it and I am grateful for manys' advice on here on being wary of what I hear through the 'grapevine.'

On the other hand there has just been a continuation of the coldness toward me and total and utter diregard for my feelings and concerns. Do I not count? Am I just a sperm donor who is to be given no respect??

So the latest in a huge series of hostile and disrespectful events toward me, was only last week in which I was told by her older sister that the baby's head is not in the right position to be born and that the hospital is highly concerned about this development.

Why was I not even informed, it is not much to say. It would not have overly worried me.

I think a minimum courtesy would be to keep me posted, even just the briefest of updates would be nice. What makes it hurt and sting even more is that I tried calling (before I knew about this) just to be polite and say 'how are things.' The reply to me was 'why do you want to ring me.'

I simply replied that 'it doesn't matter i was just wanting to say hi and see how things are going, hope you are ok.'

So, she still didn't feel the need to inform me.


Baby is due in 2 weeks. I get the feeling somehow (and my intuition is seldom wrong) that when she goes into labour I am not even going to be informed. I feel that the whole thing is going to be conducted totally behind my back.


So the speculation by her friends that it is 'just her hormones' and that she will get with me after baby is born seems totally unfounded and wide of thE mark.


Here is my theory on what has happened, after mulling it over: I really suspect the following has happened; and this would explain her behaviour:

• She may have been sleeping with me and another person at the same time
  
  She is unsure of whose this baby is. Cannot pinpoint merely by the dates
  
  Hence the dumping me and given me no opportunity to sort it out
  
  The nastiness toward me despite my being nothing but helpful at every given opportunity. And I have done exactly what she wanted and backed off.
  
  She insisted this baby is mine and on one occassion (when drunk) kept repeating it despite me not questioning it once.
  
  Possibly she is gambling on the chance that it is mine. Keep me at arms length in case it turns out to be not mine. I've already been distanced in case of this eventuality.
  
  If it is mine, lucky escape for her, then she may try to get back with me, and simply claim that she was messed up with hormones.
  
  

I canno think of any other explanation for this. Our relationship was not hideously bad. It had its downs, which were solely caused by her cheating when she was with me.

I have had 8 months of hell, and for absolutely nothing that I have done.



I am absolutely fed up, depressed and sick of this situation.


Whatever her reasons, whether my little theory is right or wrong, her behavour towards me has been disgusting and appaling. I can see this clearly.


The most depressing part is there is no possible happy ending here, is there? I'm not claiming that I am the most unfortunate person in the world, but my situation is abject.

I'm so low about all of this. Can't see the positivity at all. Even of we dont get together I will be a good dad to this baby (if he is mine) but I can only see her doing her utmost to prevent me from being a good dad.


I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT AT ALL.

Yours, severely depressed

Snuffy

talaniman

Hey Snuff, glad to see your starting to see things in a clear logical way, as there are to many assumptions, and unknowns to have a really clear course of action, until this child is born and given her attitude, and actions leaving her alone is the wise course of action.

No excuse for this behavior, but pregnant women are.....................(no known word to describe them)

If its yours, the courts will make you an awesome responsible father, thats a very happy ending.
Until the child is born and paternity is established, you may be in limbo and a little afraid of the unknown, but if you leave her alone and relax some, you'll be okay. Your to good of a guy not to be.

tjplayer

There could be many reasons why she is acting like this. She is about to have a baby, she may be thinking of how she will support this child, will she be a good mother, should she put it up for adoption, who's the father if you are right or many other things. How is her family treating her? She also has hormones and is probably getting scared as time gets close. You may be right, but you may be wrong. if you go making a scene you may ruin your future with her, since you really are not sure whats going on. If I were you I would chill, quite worrying about your feelings and start thinking about her and your child, because right now there is nothing saying it is not yours. You said her sister had told you about the head, well maybe you could talk to her and see if she knows whats up and also see if she would let you know when she goes into labor. After the baby is born, then you can try and see whats going to happen, but also remember that she will still have crazy hormones then to. If all else fells you can get a lawyer and request a paternity test and go from there. I hope this helps and please remember this is just my opinion. Also you have made it this long why not stick it out and keep the waters calm for a few more weeks. Good luck and best wishes to the baby.

alwaystrue

You mainly need to worried about the baby and when the baby's born get a test, that all.

snuffy

Hi TJPlayer,

First of all thank you for replying and taking the time to offer your opinions and advice, I really appreciate other people giving me a perspective.

What is unescapable is the fact that over the last 8 months I have indeed had nothing but caring thoughts about this girl and tryed to empathise with what she is going through being pregnant. I fully understand that the hormones and changed psychological and physical state will make her feel awful and mixed up.

I have, on every given occassion, showed this girl that I care deeply about her and her unborn baby and showed her the utmost respect that she deserves for (1) being a young human being and (2) a pregnant girl at a delicate, young age [18].

A read through all of my previous posts will show you that I have offered her a full guarantee that I will be wholly supportive, helpful , loving and caring and most of all, deeply respectful to her and for what she is going through.

I have thought every possible scenario and every possibl reason for her repeated nasty behaviour toward me, and I am afraid that I do not buy it that it is merely down to age and hormones. It goes much deeper than that.

Even prior to her becoming pregnant, I posted on here about her having an ex boyfriend appearing ather doorstep for no apparent reason at 2am on a saturday morning, and other bizarre behaviour as well as her cheating on me at least on ne occassion that she admitted.

So, in view of the fact that I have continued to take all of this bull, and I am not exxagerating about the extent of it, despite me being dumped, despite me being graceful in the face of everything, despite being told baby is not having my name, despite being told that i will not se ethe baby after he is born (totally unprovoked) as well as countless other things I have posted here.

Something does not add up. At all. I am being treated as if it were me doing all the nasty stuff to her, and as if it were her that had been whiter than white and good to me; which was patently NOT the case.

I know various people who have been pregnant and even every woman I speak to who has been pregnant has said that while they were y at times, they would never have acted the way she has done toward me. Not in a million years.

snuffy

I agree, fully.

But, when I propose taking this DNA test, which I am sure you agree is necessary just to be sure, I know the kind of reaction i will get.

And assuming it is mine, which may be more luck than judgement if shes been playing around, then I will have more hell to look forward to. Even though it is nothing other than reasonable that I question the paternity.

After all, if he is my baby it makes no difference to my relationship with the ex, and I will be a great father.

But she will not see it quite the same way will she?

What intrigues me, is why the hell I have had this persistent crap from her. It is not acceptable in any way shape or form, and hormones do not make the EXTENT of the abuse in any way justifiable.

ordinaryguy

What I'm getting from all your posts is that what's uppermost on your mind is the persistently crappy way she's treating you. I encourage you to change the focus of your attention away from her and how she's treating you, and toward the baby. Your relationship with your child (if it turns out to be yours) is the only one that really matters.

Ultimately, it doesn't matter why she's being so unreasonably crappy to you. She is, and you might as well accept it, because the chances that you will be able to convince her to treat you better are slim to none. Just accept that you may have to work out co-parenting arrangements with an unreasonable and hateful woman. Yeah, it sucks, if that's what happens, but in that case, family court and the legal system is the protector and enforcer of your paternal rights, so you need to get good at using it.

It doesn't matter what kind of fit she throws about the court-ordered paternity test, she'll have to comply. It doesn't matter what kind of fit she throws about having to allow you court-ordered visitation rights, she'll have to comply. It doesn't matter what kind of fit she throws about the court-ordered level of child support you pay, she'll have to accept it. Yes, if she's determined, she can make your life a lot more unpleasant than it would have to be, but the only thing you can control is your own behavior. The best you can do is to stay focused on being the best father you can, while giving her as little attention as you can.

If you don't already have one, get a lawyer who specializes in family law immediately and have a court order for the paternity test ready to serve on her the minute the baby is born.

talaniman

This is a long on going story,
http://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search....archid=2829148

bigbird213

Snuffy,

I'm not sure I read all of your story, but I have seen a good amount of it (I believe).

The first thing I want to say is that I am impressed with the maturity and caring that you seem to show. You come across to me as a very intelligent and well rounded individual and I am sure that you will come out on top. You have put a lot of thought and effort into this and whatever happens will be for the best.

That being said, No matter the outcome of the situation, I think you need to agree that you need to distance yourself from this woman. A few questions that I have (and I apologize if they have been answered) are:
Do you really think this woman will be a good mother for the child?
If she had a 'change of heart' would you consider getting back together with her?

The way I see it, she does not deserve you. You have put so much time and effort and your own blood sweat and tears into this and got nothing in return. You deserve much better.

I do agree though, the baby is the most important thing at this time and you need to wait until it is born, find out who the father is then continue from there.

As for asking for the DNA test, who is she to say anything. She broke up with you, so it isn't as if she can get angry with you.

guttedone

Ok Snuffy,

You need some straight talking and a bit of guidence in the right direction. . . . so here goes.....

Basically as i say to all the guys on here in similar situations 'you must always remember the golden rule and that is 'They only get one chance' Should your partner lie or cheat or generally make you feel and show you lack of respect then they are gone. RESPECT being the key word here !!!

If you stick to this rule your life and your situation will all of a sudden become alot clearer and very simple!!

Without going into details i would say that your ex has lied alot, cheated and shown you absolutly no respect whatsoever!! YOU DONT NEED THIS IN YOUR LIFE .... END OF !!!

Whats worse is that you moping around being all depressed and wallowing in self pity is basically showing yourself no SELF RESPECT !!!!

You must always have self respect and that means you must ALWAYS stick to the golden rule 'they only get one chance' SIMPLE. your ex has basically treated you like a doormat and you have let her and whats even worse is that you have such little self respect that you allow her to still effect your life and are even talking about her getting back with you like thats what you want!!!

Right heres what you do-

You dont give her the time of day again, people like her you dont need.

You wait till the baby is born and get a DNA test and see if its yours, if it is arrage to be able to see the kid if you want to, however you dont want to have anything to do with your ex just be polite and remember only the kid matters not her, she had her chance and showed what she thought of you. . . DOORMAT !!

You climb out of this black hole that you are currently wallowing in and snap out of it!!!! you show alot of self respect and always demand respect from others and ALWAYS stick to the golden rule. You will find that your life becomes alot more simple.

Snuffy that is your situation sorted. . . . see how easy it is.??? That is what i would do and basically its because after all the bad things i've gone through i now have masses of self respect and demand self respect from others and ALWAYS ALWAYS stick to the golden rule !!!

Just to clarify the golden rule is 'THEY ONLY GET ONE CHANCE' !!!!