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8 yr relationship/dumped/6 months later ex wants me back, after rebound.
Hey, Newbie here,
Ill try to keep this short...
Met in high school, both lost virginity together. We are both 24. Our relationship was rocky near the end. We fought alot over small things. Was my first real realtionship so maybe I didnt know how to deal with problems well. We were always faithful and we loved each other more than anything...Her love grew faster then mine, but I knew I still loved her. We both wanted a future together.
We were both stubborn and always wanted our way. Our last argument was stupid but blew up big time. I ignored her while she was crying cuz I was dealing with my own feelings.
She decided we had enough and wanted to break up for good. For the next 1.5 months I desperately tried to talk her out of it. I suddenly stopped (used NC) cuz she was saying hurtful things purposely to push me away. I felt like dying. 3.5 months in, she texts me "I miss you" at 3am. Week later I respond and said "dont drunk dial me please, It hurts." We talk for abit and she says that she misses me but still think that we should continue separated. I said "don't contact me unless you know you want to be with me." Back to NC....
I was a complete wreck up until about 4.5 months into it (mainly because my birthday, valentines day and our anniversary was not spent with her). I have not been with anyone else, just single and adjusting with friends. Then at 6 months mark (yesterday), she tells me she made a huge mistake letting me go. She wants me back but tells me that she was in a rebound relationship while we were apart. She had sex with another guy. I was shocked more than mad. She promises me that she will never let me go again and that she has learned a lot about herself. She WANTS to marry me and start a family with me, but the fact that I know that she slept with another dude is really clouding my judgment. Its hard right now to forgive her cuz its so fresh.
What should I do? I still love her but don't trust her right now. What I have waited for for so long has finally come, but with baggage. Should I go explore with someone else before I commit to her again so I don't regret it later in life? I don't know what to do.....she is basically waiting for my answer now...Opinions/questions/answers please....
I think since you are still confused and you are conflicted, that you need to take more time to yourself before any decision can be made. You need to have a clear head and heart before you decide whether or not you want to get back together with her.
And my personal opinion is that most people who post on this forum have terrific insight and give the best advice out there. In the end it is your decision on what you will do, but we can only make you THINK.
I think your confusion speaks in volumes. Just because she wants you back doesn't mean anything... she still LEFT you to begin with! Like others have said, who's to say she won't do it again?
Take the time to yourself to find clarity... without her.
It's your choice whether to take her back or not. It's time to reflect back and view the relationship for what it really was and see if it is worth going for round 2 or not.
I will tell you one thing, 6 months is not enough time for a person to change. It takes a lot longer than that to "change". From what it looks like, her relationship with this guy didn't work. She is running back to you, because she knows you still love her.
You are playing second fiddle my man, because I guarantee, if her and this other guy worked out, she would be nearly as "wanting" of you as she seems to be now. It didn't work and she is scared to be alone. She needs to learn that with choices come trade offs and consequences.
I don't think enough time has passed for either of you to have learned anything about yourselves.
Don't be her security blanket, she needs to know what its like to live out in the cold....just like how she left you when she was on a fling with that other guy.
Take more time. Nothing has changed. You have not learned how to communicate better with each other. You will just do a repeat performance the next time another fight ensue between you both.
I think your confusion speaks in volumes. Just because she wants you back doesn't mean anything... she still LEFT you to begin with! Like others have said, who's to say she won't do it again?
I totally understand why she left though. She didnt leave just to find another man. Its because we started having alot of problems lately, and I couldnt be there for her emotionally. She also agrees that she wasn't perfect either...
What she did while you were apart is not really the main thing here. You speak of trust? Is that related to her having a relationship after you or that she may leave you again and behave the same way?
While her actions are not ideal post break-up it almost sounds as if she cheated on you, which she did not.
As for going out and having sex, that's really not going to do much of anything. Would you be doing it to get back at her? Again, it almost sounds as if you were suggesting you'd go out and do to her what you think she did to you. How doesthat make you any better than her (seeing as how you do not approve of what she did). Also, you both seem to think you'll be there when the other wants, her flip-flopping and you suggesting a fling before making a decision.
I know it must sting like heck to know she was with someone else, it would hurt anyone. However, she did what alot of people do, if you see a future with her than that is your decision to try and make things work. It isnot a question of forgiveness, she really did not do anything that would require that.
Sit down and think about this long and hard. Focus on the real issue here, not what might makeyou happy in the short term. If you can get past her relationship with this other guy than perhaps this can go somewhere if your comitted to fixing what caused the relationship to break down in the first place. If you can't get it out of your head, this problem you speak of now will be like a swedish massage compared to what you'll face in the future.
It's your choice whether to take her back or not. It's time to reflect back and view the relationship for what it really was and see if it is worth going for round 2 or not.
I will tell you one thing, 6 months is not enough time for a person to change. It takes a lot longer than that to "change". From what it looks like, her relationship with this guy didn't work. She is running back to you, because she knows you still love her.
You are playing second fiddle my man, because I guarantee, if her and this other guy worked out, she would be nearly as "wanting" of you as she seems to be now. It didn't work and she is scared to be alone. She needs to learn that with choices come trade offs and consequences.
I don't think enough time has passed for either of you to have learned anything about yourselves.
Don't be her security blanket, she needs to know what its like to live out in the cold....just like how she left you when she was on a fling with that other guy.
Take more time. Nothing has changed. You have not learned how to communicate better with each other. You will just do a repeat performance the next time another fight ensue between you both.
She says that this guy was sooooo "perfect" but she just couldnt commit to him because she was still in love with me...She is a really sweet person and anyone would be lucky to be with her....
I agree that maybe there hasn't been enough time apart to really change but I have never heard her say out loud that she will never leave me again....FRIGGG...relationships....
In a way I do want to leave her out in the cold but, I REALLY do love her, even if she is my first love.....
What she did while you were apart is not really the main thing here. You speak of trust? Is that related to her having a relationship after you or that she may leave you again and behave the same way?
As for going out and having sex, that's really not going to do much of anything. Would you be doing it to get back at her? Again, it almost sounds as if you were suggesting you'd go out and do to her what you think she did to you. How doesthat make you any better than her (seeing as how you do not approve of what she did). Also, you both seem to think you'll be there when the other wants, her flip-flopping and you suggesting a fling before making a decision.
Sit down and think about this long and hard. Focus on the real issue here, not what might makeyou happy in the short term. If you can get past her relationship with this other guy than perhaps this can go somewhere if your comitted to fixing what caused the relationship to break down in the first place. If you can't get it out of your head, this problem you speak of now will be like a swedish massage compared to what you'll face in the future.
Im just scared that when things get rough again, and there is a gaurentee about that, nothing is perfect, that she might just run out again. That is the main thing. I will admit that we both tried to work on the relationship for a longtime and maybe she couldnt handle it enough.
The only reason why Im saying for meto go out and have sex or see what else is out there is because once I get back with this girl, thats it. We are gonna be together forever, and I dont wanna regret missing out on what I could have experienced since she got to experience life a little. She Is going back in the relationship with experience and Im just going back in with nothing really. I dont want to have to urge to cheat on her in the future....its sad I know, but im only human, and she did smash my heart....
First loves are always the hardest ones to let go of. I just got out of that myself not too long ago.
You will always remember her and love her. However, you cannot compromise you own self worth in order to attempt to get something back that will never be the same again.
Life works in strange ways. People come in to our lives, just as easily as they leave. Sometimes, people come back in our lives when everything has changed and you both are different people. That doesn't usually happen until good amount of time has passed. No matter how much time has passed, you always remember your first love. They had the biggest impact on your life....that is why it is SO difficult to let go.
It's tragic events like this where you actually grow, learn, and become the person you are.
You have gained a TON of experience and knowledge from this and in turn will learn to apply these things you learned in future relationships you will have with others.
That, my friend, is the hidden blessing we all receive when we experience our first heartbreak.
Sorry Speedy, but going out to have sex in order to get it out of your system or "get in" on what your missing is in stark contrast to saying you love this girl. Basically your saying I want to let loose a bit before I commit to the love of my life.
Also, even if you were able to go out and "get it", it's not something that goes by one and done. You'll be tempted in the future no matter what you do.
Women my friend, they do not stop looking great and driving us mad...EVER!!!
Man, I went back to my first "love" so many times, after she cheated on me, would take "breaks" the same time we had breaks from school so she could hook up without any guilt and each time I thought "she changed" and "this is true love" not even close.
Of course she is going to tell you EVERYTHING you want to hear, why would she tell you this "I'm only back because this is familiar and when things get hard again I'm going to spread my legs for another bloke" when she wants to get back with you?
First loves are always the hardest ones to let go of. I just got out of that myself not too long ago.
You will always remember her and love her. However, you cannot compromise you own self worth in order to attempt to get something back that will never be the same again.
Life works in strange ways. People come in to our lives, just as easily as they leave. Sometimes, people come back in our lives when everything has changed and you both are different people. That doesn't usually happen until good amount of time has passed. No matter how much time has passed, you always remember your first love. They had the biggest impact on your life....that is why it is SO difficult to let go.
It's tragic events like this where you actually grow, learn, and become the person you are.
You have gained a TON of experience and knowledge from this and in turn will learn to apply these things you learned in future relationships you will have with others.
That, my friend, is the hidden blessing we all receive when we experience our first heartbreak.
I agree with everything you said. I want to see if there is something better out there for me, even though I still love my ex.....This is one decision that will affect the rest of my life so im very cautious with me actions right now....
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