Hi

Hoping I can get some clarity for my confusion here, as quite honeslty, I am going round in circles.

The history...

I met and fell in love with the girl of my dreams about 8 years ago. The relationship was great for about 4 years, and then I started to suspect things were wrong. Now I have been hurt in the past, so I was quite quick to suspect... but as they say, there is no smoke without fire... especially since things were starting to change within the relationship.

The short version is that she did actually cheat on me (admited it to me after I found a telling text message... yes I know it was wrong to check... but I could not help myself after it arived at 8am, the night after she had been at her male "Just a friend - dont worry")

With hindsight... from that moment the relationship was doomed to fail. I thought I could get past it, and we could try again. After 3 rocky years of ups and downs... all related to my issues with trust and her unwillingness to provide any kind of real affection towards me... it ended with her walking out after a huge argument about another "just a male friend" (this time, with hindsight... probabaly was Just a fiend... but at the time I could not see that)

She said we needed some time apart, and moved out.

Now despite what she saif about it bieng a "break" I convinced myself that it was actually over, and so I tried to move on whilst having little contact with her.

A couple of months after she left, I started seeing a new girl. We have tons in common, and have both been hurt in the past so agreed to be 100% up front about everything all the time. We were getitng on brilliantly, and we fell for each other.

And then, I get contact from the ex telling me she found out I am seeing someone else, and that she thought we were meant to be getitng bacjk together, and that she wants me back, and has changed. Kids / Marriage the whole lot. She now apparently realises that her lack of affection was reinforcing my feleings of distrust and that she can stop that happening again.

I seriously doubt she can give me what I want, yet I can't seem to get the urge to want to try again out of my system. I can see a future with my new girl, but this constant "niggle" is starting to ruin things (I have been 100% honest with her, and told her about the feelings that are reoccuring for my ex - understandably this upsets her, and its killing me to think that I am causing her pain)

I need some outside perspective on this please... Why can't I let go of someone that I am almost certain cannot give me what I need,

Why can't I move on with someone who I am sure CAN give me that and WANTS to give me that?

<sigh>

We all like what is familiar and cling to things long after they have outlived their usefulness,like a child with a ninny blanket.Its comfortable.
You still have some feelings but your head is telling you it is not a good idea.
Some would say,follow your heart but I think your heart can lead you astray.
Listen to the voice of reason,it rarely steers you wrong.

You probably could have used more time between the two relationships to reflect, learn more about yourself, and grow. Maybe then you could see this for what it is. You really never got to close that chapter. Your urge to return to a unheathy past could be because you need to prove something, maybe that it wasn't your fault. I really don't know... But I do know she didn't love you enough to stay faithful the first time, and you could never trust her again. For good reason. Don't go backwards move forward. This is possitive and healthy.

It's the lure of her coming crawling back and wanting you after all the $hit she gave you in the relationship. It's irresistible because it sounds as if she wants you back, but she just can't stand seeing you with someone else - that's all.

Disaster beckons - avoid the temptation at all costs! Think about it logically - you know in your heart and mind that it would not work - how will your Ex suddenly discover feelings of affection for you that she never showed when you were actually together?

Tell her thanks but no thanks and get on with being in a healthy relationship. You know that you won't regret it.

And, stop having contact with the Ex. It's over - so finish it.

Can't rep you but that sounds right to me. One of those I don't want you but I don't want you to be with anyone else kind of games.Uh huh that's it!

Thanks for the perspective. What your saying makes sense. I just have to persuade that little part of me that is holding on, now...